The Insecurity in Codependency

A few weeks ago I came across a post on Instagram about this topic, and I have been doing a lot of soul searching and research since.

Often times, we attribute codependent relationships to an unhealthy dynamic with a partner. This puts a lot of focus on the partner or friend that you are in a codependent relationship with. There is some merit to this, as it takes a certain kind of reaction and personality to create an unhelpfully codependent relationship. However, I realize that when I started to do work with myself, the need for the codependent relationships fell away.

I’ll briefly, and vaguely, start with my history of codependent relationships. Since early adulthood/late teens, I have been in romantic relationships that were very long term. My first serious relationship dragged on for four years. During year number two, I realized that being with this person was not great for me or him. We did the on again off again thing mainly because I (maybe even we, but I can’t speak for him) were terrified of what it meant to be without a partner. Not long after that relationship ended, I was in a relationship that 5 years long. It ended when I realized that it wasn’t the person that I was in the relationship for, it was the security of having a significant other that kept me there. Yikes, right? You’d think I had learned my lesson… but I didn’t.

I hopped into another relationship in which I developed severely codependent habits. If you’ve been following along for a while, you may recall mention of this relationship. Now, it was, for the most part, a great relationship in terms of personal growth. I learned so much about myself during the (comparatively) brief time I spent with my former partner. The greatest lesson being how the major theme in all of my relationships is that there were severely codependent habits that I developed during them. I was part of the problem.

I needed to step back and take a good, hard look at how I contributed to the problems in my past relationship. I, now, truly believe that it takes two people to fuck up a relationship. We can spend our time hating our exes. We can also spend time hating ourselves. Neither are productive. I chose to spend time getting to know myself in the hopes of never having to work through the same issues that caused me stress and trauma in previous relationships. Here are some things I realized about my codependent habits.

1. I always needed someone. It didn’t matter if they were a friend or a significant other. I always had someone. Between relationships, I would lean heavily on my friends and my siblings to fill up my time. There was a period of time where I wouldn’t go anywhere without my sister. I did not realize that this was a symptom of my social anxiety. I hated being in public. I hated being with strangers and being with someone that I was close to helped me cope with this. It became a necessity.
2. I only felt safe leaving a romantic relationship that was not healthy if I was fully surrounded and supported by friends. I never felt “strong enough” to walk away from dysfunctional relationships. On again off again, I’d feel so lost and tormented dealing with my own intrusive thoughts that I’d get sucked right back into resuming a relationship that was not working. It usually took a lot of tough love from close friends and family members for me to feel supported enough to walk away. This isn’t necessarily bad. This doesn’t mean I am or was weak. This just means that the symptoms of GAD were so severe that I resorted to coping with it by leaning on family and friends. I will never regret doing this, but I will say that with a lot of work, I have been able to make decisions on my own and self soothe effectively.
3. My self-soothing skills were nonexistent. I had no idea what to do with intrusive thoughts or negative emotions that popped into my brain. I had no idea how to channel negativity. Instead, I poured my efforts into my relationships or codependent friendships. People-pleasing is something I have struggled with since childhood. Because people-pleasing is so familiar to me, it became a coping mechanism to deal with my negative self-image. “If I can make people around me happy, then I am less worthless than I think I am.” My lack of self-soothing skills is the reason why I had so much trouble dealing with turbulence in previous relationships. I didn’t have healthy ways to make myself feel better.

It became abundantly clear to me that a lot of codependent habits I had was a reflection of my relationship with myself and my anxiety. I viewed Anxiety as a monster I needed to run away from. I viewed my negative thoughts as flaws that plagued me. The distraction and comfort of having a person, any person, at my side to comfort me, to divide my attention to was “easier” than dealing with the constant feeling of self-doubt and panic.

Am I all better? Am I a recovered toxic codependent partner? No. I struggle with codependent behavior patterns all the time. In my current relationship, I am continuing to work on effective and productive conflict resolution, trust, and maintaining personal space. I am more purposeful and aware of my tendencies and am able to recognize how my reaction to cognitive distortions affect my relationship with myself and others. However, one major difference between past me and present me is that I now have a relationship with myself.

I am able to rely on myself for comfort and friendship. I am able to embrace my own company and truly make the most out of introspective reflection. I no longer approach myself with fear. Instead, I approach myself with curiosity and understanding. Wanting to understand why I do the things I do was key.

For anyone that is or has struggled with codependency, remember that you are not responsible for how the other person was in your relationship/friendship. You are only responsible for you and your actions. Take time to look at your own actions without judgement, and hopefully you’ll find avenues of growth through that.