For people that don’t have an anxiety disorder, it is often very difficult to understand that those of us that have anxiety don’t really want to think these things. The worries that pop into my mind are 100% involuntary. On top of that, I do not necessarily believe in every single thought that has ever popped into my head. It sounds wild, I get it. If this is not part of your human experience, it’s really hard to wrap your head around a thought flying into your brain and invading it. Having no control over what “conclusion” your thought patterns end up having isn’t something that everyone experiences. However, I aim to enlighten and help people understand those around them.
So what are intrusive thoughts? It’s like a fucking conquistador trying to claim your brain and sense of self as it’s own. They can be triggered by any kind of stimuli or image. They come in and they seep into your thoughts and try to convince you that it’s true. Eventually, your anxiety tries to convince you, “Hey, girl, you should probably just believe it so that you can prepare yourself for the worst. You know what your history’s been like. You know how shit just keeps happening. Be prepared.” Do I want to believe the intrusive thought? No. Do I just passively let it consume me? Also, no. It takes a lot of goddamn work to fight an intrusive thought.
So, what is the loudest intrusive thought I’ve been having? “You’re going to die alone because you’re not a person that’s made for long-lasting relationships.” *Cue all of the people trying to tell me how wonderful I am* So why is this so distressing to me? Well, it’s because I’ve learned from life that my intrinsic value is linked to how people perceive me. Should that be what determines my value? No. Does that stop me from feeling like a sack of shit? Also, no. So how do I work through this thought? Well, I ask myself if my personality really is the reason why I am not meant for “lasting relationships” or if it’s my past relationships that have worn away at my sense of self. I realize it’s the baggage I’m carrying from my past relationships that weighs me down from healthily developing new relationships. Now, if it’s the baggage, then it’s not a problem that’s permanent. That’s good! Then, I have to challenge the fear of whether or not I’m actually afraid of being alone, or if I’m afraid of what people will perceive me as due to my history with relationships. Working through that thought takes time and emotional energy that drains me. In the end, I’m left irritable and very, very vulnerable to emotional distress.
So… next time you’ve got a buddy or a partner that is having a moment with their anxious thoughts, try to encourage them to challenge the thoughts rather than tell them to “stop being so negative” or berating them for being a “pessimist.” We really… really don’t want to be like this. We just are.
Turbulent Mind 