uncertainty – Turbulent Mind

July 16, 2020

Invasive Thoughts

For people that don’t have an anxiety disorder, it is often very difficult to understand that those of us that have anxiety don’t really want to think these things. The worries that pop into my mind are 100% involuntary. On top of that, I do not necessarily believe in every single thought that has ever popped into my head. It sounds wild, I get it. If this is not part of your human experience, it’s really hard to wrap your head around a thought flying into your brain and invading it. Having no control over what “conclusion” your thought patterns end up having isn’t something that everyone experiences. However, I aim to enlighten and help people understand those around them.

So what are intrusive thoughts? It’s like a fucking conquistador trying to claim your brain and sense of self as it’s own. They can be triggered by any kind of stimuli or image. They come in and they seep into your thoughts and try to convince you that it’s true. Eventually, your anxiety tries to convince you, “Hey, girl, you should probably just believe it so that you can prepare yourself for the worst. You know what your history’s been like. You know how shit just keeps happening. Be prepared.” Do I want to believe the intrusive thought? No. Do I just passively let it consume me? Also, no. It takes a lot of goddamn work to fight an intrusive thought.

So, what is the loudest intrusive thought I’ve been having? “You’re going to die alone because you’re not a person that’s made for long-lasting relationships.” *Cue all of the people trying to tell me how wonderful I am* So why is this so distressing to me? Well, it’s because I’ve learned from life that my intrinsic value is linked to how people perceive me. Should that be what determines my value? No. Does that stop me from feeling like a sack of shit? Also, no. So how do I work through this thought? Well, I ask myself if my personality really is the reason why I am not meant for “lasting relationships” or if it’s my past relationships that have worn away at my sense of self. I realize it’s the baggage I’m carrying from my past relationships that weighs me down from healthily developing new relationships. Now, if it’s the baggage, then it’s not a problem that’s permanent. That’s good! Then, I have to challenge the fear of whether or not I’m actually afraid of being alone, or if I’m afraid of what people will perceive me as due to my history with relationships. Working through that thought takes time and emotional energy that drains me. In the end, I’m left irritable and very, very vulnerable to emotional distress.

So… next time you’ve got a buddy or a partner that is having a moment with their anxious thoughts, try to encourage them to challenge the thoughts rather than tell them to “stop being so negative” or berating them for being a “pessimist.” We really… really don’t want to be like this. We just are.

December 23, 2019

Insomnia – The Master of my Emotions

I’ve talked about comorbidity between Anxiety and Depression a bit in earlier posts, but I’ve got a third little friend to discuss today. Insomnia. For as long as I can remember, I have had interrupted sleep. I always wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, and it can take some time to get back to sleep. I never really knew how important sleep was to my moods and my emotional well being until recently. That day that I hit Rock Bottom was another one of those days where I had almost zero sleep. A lot of my internal conflicts come from when I spend the entirety of a night worrying/ruminating about some thought or some event that happened that day. It carries on to the next day, and completely weighs me down.

I never thought myself to be one that would become dependent on sleep aids in order to function. Unfortunately, I have started down the road of quite a dependence on my prescribed sleep medication. I have read up on these medications and know that there’s a high rate of dependency and addiction toward them, but I still take them anyways. Sleep is so important to my mental health and the way that I process emotions that I will take the risk of having to have to recover from weaning off of these addictive substances so that I can sleep and learn to manage my emotions with a more level-head.

A lot of people I’ve talked to with mental health issues are also fellow insomniacs. I cannot stress how important getting enough sleep is in order to manage the things that life throws at you. If at all possible, build a bed time routine that will train your brain to get sleepy. I use only warm lighting at night and I try my absolute best to keep my things clean before settling into bed.

These last couple weeks I’ve been going through a bad time in regards to sleep, and it’s gotten beyond the point of Ambien helping me.

December 4, 2019December 8, 2019

The First Step Toward Better

As a foreigner in a country that doesn’t quite get mental health quite yet, I was terrified. I had sent an e-mail on a Sunday, and didn’t expect any reply from the office until the end of the next work week. I didn’t know how it would work, since their office was based out of Seoul, and I didn’t know if I would be able to get on their Saturday schedule. Thousands of questions swirled around in my brain: Would I be able to afford it? Am I able to get to Seoul for treatment? Will I like the therapist they assign to me? If this doesn’t work out is there another option for me? Do I go home if I can’t find relief?

That Monday morning, I get a call from a number in Seoul, and it’s the office I had e-mailed. I didn’t expect an answer so quick, and my voice was shaking as I answered the questions the woman on the other line was asking. They wanted to see me in Seoul and in person first, but they were willing to take me on a sliding fee scale. Relief swept over me, but not for long. Having had experience “shopping” for a therapist before, I knew it could pan out to be a long and frustrating process. I knew I might not get it right the first try, and that I could start from square one again. I knew all this, but I was so desperate to at least try.

The day of my appointment comes, and I am over preparing myself. I book a train ticket to Seoul which would arrive hours before my appointment. I remember arriving at the station to the image above this post. A massive herd of people getting off of the train and heading toward the main level of the station. Everyone knowing exactly where they were going. I remember feeling spikes of panic and anxiety as I thought about all that could go wrong. My boyfriend comforted me by telling me he would be available to through messaging the entire train ride.

Anxiety does some funny things. It makes you over prepare for events like, going for a job interview, a dentist appointment, or meeting a friend at a restaurant you’ve never been to. Basically, anxiety brought me to Seoul 4 hours before my appointment, I had no plans other than to just find the place and stay around the area until my appointment. I find out that the office is 2 stops away from Seoul Station, and I glued myself to a bench in the station until time came to go to the office. I overthought what time I should get there as I read and re-read the instructions on how to find the office in this giant 30+ floor building. Panic swept in and out of me, as my Apple Watch reminded me to breathe every few minutes. I was a mess. I could already tell that, emotionally, I didn’t and couldn’t really be in Seoul for much longer than the appointment.

When the time finally came, I carefully followed the instructions up to the office, and checked in. I was offered refreshments, but wasn’t in the mood for anything. I could feel my body trembling beneath my light sweater. When I was finally asked to meet with my therapist I shook even harder. That first session I will always remember as the first moment I knew I had to be completely honest with myself and with my therapist if I ever hoped to be better.

I wish I could say this was the point where everything started improving in a linear fashion. But these sessions were just the beginning

November 18, 2019November 19, 2019

The Certainty of Uncertainty

Earlier in the week, I had a discussion about how one of the scariest concepts for me, with Generalized Anxiety Disorder to wrap my head around is uncertainty. For those that do not experience anxiety in this way, I know it seem so simple to wrap your head around. “Life is life, you can’t predict it, you just live it.”

What started this slow descent into a panic freak-out about mortality? Well, I am living my life without any concrete deadlines or dates that I wish to go back to my home country by. I am currently acclimating to life here alone. I’m receiving great care, and I’m making huge strides in recovery despite being thousands of miles away from my family and friends. So what’s the problem? Things are going good! The problem is I don’t have a plan. What’s next? What do I work for? What if it doesn’t work out? And if it does work out, then what if it changes my plan?

Uncertainty has become a sure-fire way to send me through an unending chain of “what ifs” and “do you think it will happen?”

I decided to get a tattoo done of my oldest family dog’s face after coming down from a bit of a cycle of insecurity and fear of the unknown. “When will I get to see my Yuuki again?” I thought, well… I better tattoo her face to my arm so I can have, at least, a piece or essence of her on me forever.

I still wake up frozen in fear of the uncertainty. I don’t know when I’ll go home to see my family. I don’t have any trips back to Minneapolis planned, and, as far as I know, no one has trips planned to see me. The uncertainty is making me restless and makes me go overboard with lists of things that I want to achieve. It could be simple, like, “Get a new recycling bin” or “Finish that game you were playing on Switch.”

Right now, almost every facet of my life is uncertain. My job is uncertain because… I don’t know if I want to stick around after 2020. My relationship is uncertain because we don’t know if we’ll be able to grow together in the way that will help us as a couple. The only thing that is certain for me, is that I need to keep doing this job that I enjoy, save money, and meet my financial goals. While reaching my financial goals and all that are uncertain, the most certain thing about my life situation is that I will survive through the anxiety of being in an uncertain situation and I will, hopefully, flourish under the pressure of it.