As a foreigner in a country that doesn’t quite get mental health quite yet, I was terrified. I had sent an e-mail on a Sunday, and didn’t expect any reply from the office until the end of the next work week. I didn’t know how it would work, since their office was based out of Seoul, and I didn’t know if I would be able to get on their Saturday schedule. Thousands of questions swirled around in my brain: Would I be able to afford it? Am I able to get to Seoul for treatment? Will I like the therapist they assign to me? If this doesn’t work out is there another option for me? Do I go home if I can’t find relief?
That Monday morning, I get a call from a number in Seoul, and it’s the office I had e-mailed. I didn’t expect an answer so quick, and my voice was shaking as I answered the questions the woman on the other line was asking. They wanted to see me in Seoul and in person first, but they were willing to take me on a sliding fee scale. Relief swept over me, but not for long. Having had experience “shopping” for a therapist before, I knew it could pan out to be a long and frustrating process. I knew I might not get it right the first try, and that I could start from square one again. I knew all this, but I was so desperate to at least try.
The day of my appointment comes, and I am over preparing myself. I book a train ticket to Seoul which would arrive hours before my appointment. I remember arriving at the station to the image above this post. A massive herd of people getting off of the train and heading toward the main level of the station. Everyone knowing exactly where they were going. I remember feeling spikes of panic and anxiety as I thought about all that could go wrong. My boyfriend comforted me by telling me he would be available to through messaging the entire train ride.
Anxiety does some funny things. It makes you over prepare for events like, going for a job interview, a dentist appointment, or meeting a friend at a restaurant you’ve never been to. Basically, anxiety brought me to Seoul 4 hours before my appointment, I had no plans other than to just find the place and stay around the area until my appointment. I find out that the office is 2 stops away from Seoul Station, and I glued myself to a bench in the station until time came to go to the office. I overthought what time I should get there as I read and re-read the instructions on how to find the office in this giant 30+ floor building. Panic swept in and out of me, as my Apple Watch reminded me to breathe every few minutes. I was a mess. I could already tell that, emotionally, I didn’t and couldn’t really be in Seoul for much longer than the appointment.
When the time finally came, I carefully followed the instructions up to the office, and checked in. I was offered refreshments, but wasn’t in the mood for anything. I could feel my body trembling beneath my light sweater. When I was finally asked to meet with my therapist I shook even harder. That first session I will always remember as the first moment I knew I had to be completely honest with myself and with my therapist if I ever hoped to be better.
I wish I could say this was the point where everything started improving in a linear fashion. But these sessions were just the beginning
Turbulent Mind 