The Certainty of Uncertainty

Earlier in the week, I had a discussion about how one of the scariest concepts for me, with Generalized Anxiety Disorder to wrap my head around is uncertainty. For those that do not experience anxiety in this way, I know it seem so simple to wrap your head around. “Life is life, you can’t predict it, you just live it.”

What started this slow descent into a panic freak-out about mortality? Well, I am living my life without any concrete deadlines or dates that I wish to go back to my home country by. I am currently acclimating to life here alone. I’m receiving great care, and I’m making huge strides in recovery despite being thousands of miles away from my family and friends. So what’s the problem? Things are going good! The problem is I don’t have a plan. What’s next? What do I work for? What if it doesn’t work out? And if it does work out, then what if it changes my plan?

Uncertainty has become a sure-fire way to send me through an unending chain of “what ifs” and “do you think it will happen?”

I decided to get a tattoo done of my oldest family dog’s face after coming down from a bit of a cycle of insecurity and fear of the unknown. “When will I get to see my Yuuki again?” I thought, well… I better tattoo her face to my arm so I can have, at least, a piece or essence of her on me forever.

I still wake up frozen in fear of the uncertainty. I don’t know when I’ll go home to see my family. I don’t have any trips back to Minneapolis planned, and, as far as I know, no one has trips planned to see me. The uncertainty is making me restless and makes me go overboard with lists of things that I want to achieve. It could be simple, like, “Get a new recycling bin” or “Finish that game you were playing on Switch.”

Right now, almost every facet of my life is uncertain. My job is uncertain because… I don’t know if I want to stick around after 2020. My relationship is uncertain because we don’t know if we’ll be able to grow together in the way that will help us as a couple. The only thing that is certain for me, is that I need to keep doing this job that I enjoy, save money, and meet my financial goals. While reaching my financial goals and all that are uncertain, the most certain thing about my life situation is that I will survive through the anxiety of being in an uncertain situation and I will, hopefully, flourish under the pressure of it.