work – Turbulent Mind

Growing up, you are always encouraged to do something that you love. “If you do you what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.” I truly believed this when I entered the mental health and social services field at age 22. I loved the idea of helping people and learning about their stories. I loved watching clients and families that I worked with make progress. I loved it so much I was putting in 50+ hours a week.

Needless to say, at age 23, I was pretty done with social services. I thought, “I must not love this enough” and I moved on. As I realized that the nature of this work was not for me (and I was 100% right), I decided to “take a year off” and teach abroad. After all, I knew plenty of university friends that went down that path upon graduation and they seem happy and well adjusted. I took a year to go through a graduate TEFL program and do some volunteer ESL teaching in my community before I got on a plane on October 31st, 2014 for South Korea.

I really only intended for it to be a year, and I made a solid attempt to re-integrate myself back into life in the United States in 2017. Every single day I spent behind my fancy new corporate job desk, I thought about my students in Korea. It wasn’t long until I ended up with a new contract in hand and heading back to the city I started in back in 2014.

I haven’t looked back, but that isn’t to say that I haven’t been burnt out in this job that I do feel is the job I love. Burn out happens and is normal. It really doesn’t mean that I need to reconsider all of my life decisions and pick myself back up and move again.

I have realized that I must view my job as what it is. It’s a job. It is work. It is not my life. To reduce myself to the identity I take on at work, Teacher, is to take energy away from all of the other identities I have. I am first and foremost, me. I am not just a tool for the corporate machine (and in my particular position as a teacher in a private academy, I accept that my services are used for profit). I must give equal energy and attention to taking care of all aspects of me. In order to work through burn out, remember that you are not just what your job title is. You’re an amazing human being with people that love you. The best parts of your life are spent away from your work environment.

Work-life balance is extremely important. As a teacher, it is so easy to bring work home. Getting behind on grading? Bring it home! Need to write student reports? Bring it home! It took me a long time to learn not to do this. Maximize your time in your work space and finish those tasks during the time you have allotted for work. Does this mean that I give up scrolling on my phone during a down period? Yep. Because my home is a sacred space where I am no longer “Teacher.” Unfortunately, for many people this can be impossible. In this case, designate a physical space in your home to work on work stuff. Keeping it confined to a space will keep your private space sacred.

Use weekends & holidays to properly rest. Rest can look like a lot of different things. Whether it be sleeping in, going for a hike, taking a weekend trip to getaway, or just getting things done around the house, it is important to take a step away from work and rest. This means turning off notifications for work e-mails. Prioritize your tasks and complete them before periods of rest. Leave your work at work and fully embrace your holiday.

Reorganize your workspace. I honestly do not believe that humans are designed to thrive in a constant. Take some time to change things up a little bit in your workspace. It could be as simple as adding a fun decorative piece to your desk or putting in an organizer in the drawer. It could even be something as big as a change in wardrobe for work! Bringing a bit of change periodically can help keep you excited about the little things in your job.

Make sure you are unwinding after a day at work. Nothing is worse than feeling riled up hours after the work day has ended. One of the ways that I keep things separate at home and at work is having an unwinding routine. My routine entails getting out of my work clothing immediately. I take off my work clothes and put on my “home” clothes. I then settle down with a quick light dinner and a cup of tea. a wind down routine helps the brain disengage from work and give yourself real “me” time.

There is a difference between being burnt out from a job that no longer serves you, and simply being burnt out from an unhealthy balance between work and life despite trying to put in plenty of boundaries and balance, it may be time to reconsider your job or workplace.

I have been mulling this over and thinking about it a lot. How much do I have to push myself professionally or academically until it is too much? Looking back on a lot of the situations I put myself in, I probably pushed myself past my limits habitually and current me is paying the price. I am paying the price for all of the times I thought “It’s just my mental health… at least I’m not physically sick.”

When Simone Biles pulled out of the all-around gymnastic finals in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, a lot of people started having this conversation. People rallied behind her in support for her brave decision to take care of her mental health. This conversation, though painful for me partake in, was necessary. How many champions have sacrificed every bit of their mental wellbeing and their physical wellbeing in order to bring glory to their country, their family, and their fans? Much of the time, we forget that these decorated athletes and celebrities are people. They have struggles and emotions. They have ups and downs. Yet they are expected to be perfect in the eyes of the world. Every move of theirs is measured and judged. No respect or understanding given.

It got me thinking about some of the decisions I have made that have been unhealthy (to say the least). It’s stuff that I didn’t realize until over half a year and lots of personal distance. My previous job was toxic beyond belief.

I have been reserving myself from writing much about it. I have deleted and re-written dozens of versions of this post, because I still feel a bit of emotional attachment to the time I spent there. I mean… after all, I spent over 4 years emotionally invested in the success of my old workplace.

TW: Mentions of suicide and suicidal ideations

For context, I worked at a private English academy that focused on test prep. It is a competitive environment and teachers are expected to deliver results. I can proudly say that, over the years, I delivered decent results and have tried my hand in curriculum development, staff management, and immersion camp organization. I will always cherish the skills I gained there. I learned to be a competent instructor despite how… non-educational much of the environment at this academy was.

My academy was understanding of the the difficulties I experienced during 2019-2020. I was struggling with severe depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I was given a week of paid sick leave and lots of encouragement to be better by upper management. When I returned from sick leave, I was met by coworkers that felt I was being irresponsible. No one ever said it to my face, but I learned later that it was said behind my back. I guess, perhaps, I should have explained that I was driven to the brink of suicide. I, perhaps, should have mentioned that I was hospitalized at one point so that I could get proper rest since my anxiety would wake me up hourly with panic attacks. But I know that, in reality, I really shouldn’t have to explain all of that to people to get them to take mental health seriously.

I was so well supported by the management staff at my academy that I felt I owed it to them to “stick it out.” The environment was toxic. Despite having a great group of friends, the toxic ones were enough. My expectations at this job were as follows:

I teach unless I’m ready to drop dead. Some of my colleagues would proudly proclaim never having taken a sick day. They work through their physical ailments and definitely power through the mental ones. Taking my mental breakdown sick leave showed everyone that I “couldn’t even handle a bit of emotional hardship.” I realized that it wasn’t just emotional hardship I was experiencing. I, quite literally, experienced kidney failure due to my body’s inability to properly process antibiotics that were being used to treat a kidney infection. On top of that, this expectation of powering through physical illness meant that I did not rest more than a regular night’s sleep before teaching full 3 hour courses 2-3 times a day. Eventually, my kidneys experienced infection so many times in 2019-2020, that it was just a regular occurrence for me to have flank pain and lingering fatigue.

Shouting at each other was how things got done. This is definitely something that was limited to a few colleagues. As a person with anxiety and a deep dislike for confrontation, I could not handle the shouting and verbal abuse. It was my first sign that something was horribly wrong with the dynamic at this workplace. I would shut down, get defensive, and snarky. It wasn’t pretty and I learned really toxic communication habits that I painfully unlearned through thousands spent on therapy.

5 days of paid vacation was more than enough at this company. For years, we were not granted national holidays unless it was Chuseok or Lunar New Year. We then maybe got to go on our 5 days of paid vacation that are randomly placed during times that every other colleague or academy teacher would be working. On top of that, summer and winter holidays were a no-go because we would be doubling down on work during those seasons. Last week, I experienced my first summer vacation while working in Korea. It was 5 full days, no weekend make-up lessons, no conditions of coming back to make up your classes on the weekends preceding and following the vacation week. It was blissful. It was restful. It was much needed. I apparently get two of these a year plus all national holidays. So we’re already more than double the number of days off.

Any misbehavior from students is automatically the instructor’s fault. Kid acting out in class? Why didn’t you control them better? Kid do poorly on standardized test? Why didn’t you prepare them for the test better? Cheating? Broken tablets? Kids speaking Korean in class? Why aren’t you being the child’s mother while also being their teacher? The expectations were ridiculous.

How many of us are suffering and struggling with their mental health while going into a workplace that plunges us deeper into that hole? Probably more than society cares to count. I did myself a favor by getting out of the situation, but I know many of us are not nearly as fortunate during these times.

As I reflect on how I have been doing since removing myself from this soul crushing environment, I realized that I have made heaps of progress by simply not allowing myself to be in a situation where the system preys on my general desire to meet and exceed external expectations. I am still so tired and in recovery from the time I spent there, but it has gotten a little bit easier as time has passed.

Tag: work

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