wellbeing – Turbulent Mind

April 8, 2020

Mental Health Challenge – Day 7

Day 7 – Clean our your social media feed

I did this a few weeks ago when the COVID19 situation was at its peak here in Korea. I was getting so much negative news, so much dismissal from people back home in the US. “Stop spreading panic, you’re young and you’re going to be fine.” My social media was flooded with racist, Asians eating bats, and anti-Chinese “jokes.” It hurt.

As an Asian-American currently living in Asia, I am not experiencing the first hand discrimination that my fellow Asian-Americans must be feeling back home. I am very thankful the government here acted upon the outbreak immediately, and that people are mostly cooperative in the social distancing movement.

Back to social media. I have completely cut Facebook out, and I use only the Messenger function. I stick to Instagram and have begun to really narrow my feed down to people, things, and topics I truly enjoy. It has truly helped my mental health and helped me keep myself in a mostly good headspace. It wasn’t really challenging, just sort of sad. Even with Instagram, I’ve been trying to limit the endless scrolling. I know that during this time of lockdown, it’s hard not to dive deeply into the Internet and scroll through other people’s lives endlessly… but taking a look at what type of information you follow can help make that scrolling a more uplifting experience.

January 27, 2020January 27, 2020

One day at a time…

Today has been a little bit of a journey for me. I’ve been feeling very physically ill, and terrified that it was the Wuhan Coronavirus. I know, I know… health anxiety is a real thing and I should stop Googling symptoms. I stopped by the hospital to get checked, and they don’t seem to concerned. Of course, that’s not how anxiety works. I’m still terrified.

Aside from taking care of myself, I have also been sorting through a lot of thoughts this evening. I had planned on doing this, as I mentioned in my last post. It’s my last day of a long holiday weekend and I have been thinking and sorting through a lot of the anxiety, sadness, and fears that I’ve been setting aside because I have been too tired, overwhelmed and anxious to deal with my stuff. Here are some things I’ve sorted through, and some things that I have realized through the last few weeks.

The winter months are packed full of holidays, and I’ve been experiencing some serious sadness and loneliness on an almost monthly basis. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Lunar New Year are all holidays I enjoy spending with my family and friends. I missed out on so many things and I know it’s my own damn fault. I chose to come out here, why? Why did I choose to come out here if I get so sad when I can’t be with people that I love on important days. My anxiety kind of overflows during this time, as my family and loved ones are too busy to communicate and update me. I feel like their lives are flying by while my life is sitting at a standstill waiting for news and updates about their lives. I am justifiably sad/down in the dumps. Even though I have been feeling a little bit sad about things like missing my family, significant other, and friends. I understand that being far apart doesn’t mean that I am not loved and not important. Realizing this and working through the rationalizing has helped me feel a lot less anguished.

Another feeling I’ve been working through is absolute exhaustion from work. It’s really hard to stop myself from criticizing my decisions to come back to a job that does get extremely busy during the winter and summer seasons. There is a fine line between being extremely busy and burnt out. I could feel everyone around me slowly cross that line and enter “burnt out.” And, to be honest, I was getting secondhand burnout and anxiety. “Did I make the right choice to come back?” and “Is this a toxic environment for me?” are thoughts that I actively tried to avoid thinking about during the busy times for self preservation. I know that I enjoy my work immensely. Seeing the kids learn makes me happy. The environment can be what I make it, and I can choose to let the energy of others ruin the experience for me, or I can choose to focus on my own emotions and how I feel.

There have been a lot of days where I did not want to wake up in the morning. I go to bed hoping that I won’t have to wake up the next day. I think about all of the other days to follow and I’m overwhelmed by the weight of the future. I think about all of the things I want to do but haven’t. Before I have even begun the day, I’ve already set myself up for failure. I’ve already set myself up for a day of hopelessness and sadness.

Now that I’ve spent the entire day contemplating what to do with some of these negative and unhelpful emotions and thoughts, I definitely need an action plan to deal with some of the negative and intrusive anxious thoughts. Recently, I’ve been really enjoying a Podcast that brought me a lot of strength today. The Tablo Podcast has helped me see a lot of things about dealing with depression. I really need to take each day, one day at a time. I need to complete thought processes and dealing with my feelings one day at a time. As much as I’d like to just push some of the things off for an “easier” or another day, I really do need to address the day’s feelings on the day so that I don’t carry the day’s weight on me.

Through listening to the podcast I’ve felt a little less alone, as there have been so many moments of “Ahah! I’ve felt exactly the same!” As he describes moments in his life and his own struggle with depression.

A lot of things have been difficult these days, and I know that they can continue being a challenge, but I’m determined to make the best of things and to better my mental health. Every New Year, people make “New Years Resolutions” to be a better version of themselves. I’ve said before that setting a resolution for the year can often mean setting yourself up for failure. So, like Tablo says, I’m gonna make a day resolution for every day of something attainable.

For tomorrow, Tuesday, my resolution is to wake up at a decent hour and do some work around the house before heading to work. And each day, I will need to take all of the emotions and events of the day, and properly address them. No more putting it off for later.

January 20, 2020January 21, 2020

Late Night Thoughts – Insecurity

I’ve spent a lot of time today ruminating on why I have so much insecurity in my life at the moment. I wondered where it was coming from and how it could be addressed. What I realized is that I feel unstable because self care has been almost impossible. I do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. And the rest of the time I spend time trying to make my dogs happy.

Where do I factor into my daily care? Have I stopped to ask myself how I’m feeling? Have I properly dealt with negative emotions? No. No. And no. Being busy and working 6 day weeks has made it difficult to truly recharge from the weekends. I feel tired, alone, and desperate for rest. Not just physical rest but mental rest from work.

They say you have to start with your basic needs to be able to start addressing your mental needs. I have decided to focus on how to live with the weight of my fears. There really is no one i can count on other than myself. I neee to be my own best friend, caretaker, and source of love.

December 31, 2019

Weighted Blankets are the best

I have heard so many good things about weighted blankets for people with GAD or Panic Disorder. I’ve heard that they help calm nighttime anxiety and help with falling asleep. I didn’t really believe all of this until I got Dobby. I like to call her my weighted pillow. She often sleeps on top of my legs or stomach, easily putting on an extra 14 pounds to my body. I sleep really well with her laying on me. And this may just be a coincidence, but she often hops on top of me when I wake up in a panic and kind of knead her paws on my chest, arms, or stomach. While my boyfriend was visiting he remarked on how she’s kind of like a weighted blanket, which must have inspired my Christmas present this year. It has done wonders to my sleep and mood. I’ve said before that my insomnia has a huge influence on my moods. So, of course, with better quality sleep, I’ve had more stability in my moods.

First of all, I have a 15 pound Queen sized blanket from Weighted Idea. This is pretty ideal for me since I often find myself underneath my dogs as well, which easily adds another 15 pounds. I believe he bought it on Amazon. The best thing about it is that it looks great with or without a duvet cover! It can be machine washed, air dried, and it’s just the right size for my bed.

Now, enough raving about the blanket itself. My sleep has gotten significantly better. Within 15 to 20 minutes after getting under the blanket, I begin to feel drowsy. The weight feels kind of like a hug and it just makes me feel safe and tucked in. I sleep more pleasantly, and the weight seems to calm me as the thoughts race.

Panic attack wake ups have dropped significantly in the past few weeks. Previously, I would have several panic attacks a night while sleeping, but, I’ve seen less and less of that with my blanket. I wake up feeling more refreshed, and I wake up less often during the night as well. The last panic attack I had was when I didn’t have the weighted blanket on me, because one of the dogs vomited on it during the day. The difference between having it and not having it was significant.

I know there may be a possibility for a placebo effect but if you’re struggling with falling and staying asleep, investing in a weighted blanket may really help. But I always suggest people to see a doctor about any symptoms of sleeplessness. Many people that I’ve spoken to have expressed their frustrations on how they do not get enough or good quality sleep. It’s a frustration that I share, and admittedly, must be medicated for. Prolonged sleeplessness or poor sleep quality was so detrimental to me, that I wasn’t able to handle the slightest amount of stress or difficult emotions.

Another way that I have improved my sleep quality is applying blue light filter

December 23, 2019

Insomnia – The Master of my Emotions

I’ve talked about comorbidity between Anxiety and Depression a bit in earlier posts, but I’ve got a third little friend to discuss today. Insomnia. For as long as I can remember, I have had interrupted sleep. I always wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, and it can take some time to get back to sleep. I never really knew how important sleep was to my moods and my emotional well being until recently. That day that I hit Rock Bottom was another one of those days where I had almost zero sleep. A lot of my internal conflicts come from when I spend the entirety of a night worrying/ruminating about some thought or some event that happened that day. It carries on to the next day, and completely weighs me down.

I never thought myself to be one that would become dependent on sleep aids in order to function. Unfortunately, I have started down the road of quite a dependence on my prescribed sleep medication. I have read up on these medications and know that there’s a high rate of dependency and addiction toward them, but I still take them anyways. Sleep is so important to my mental health and the way that I process emotions that I will take the risk of having to have to recover from weaning off of these addictive substances so that I can sleep and learn to manage my emotions with a more level-head.

A lot of people I’ve talked to with mental health issues are also fellow insomniacs. I cannot stress how important getting enough sleep is in order to manage the things that life throws at you. If at all possible, build a bed time routine that will train your brain to get sleepy. I use only warm lighting at night and I try my absolute best to keep my things clean before settling into bed.

These last couple weeks I’ve been going through a bad time in regards to sleep, and it’s gotten beyond the point of Ambien helping me.