update – Turbulent Mind

November 30, 2021November 3, 2021

Gratitude – Part Two

Man, I did not intend to have an entire post just about my cat. But I really couldn’t condense how thankful I am for his addition to the fur family.

Like I said in that post, adopting him was the beginning of a lot of really great things.

It wasn’t long after I decided to adopt him that I met my current partner. I had called it quits with my ex 7 months prior, and I was just getting back into the swing of socializing. I have learned so much from my partner about how it feels to not have your relationship as one of your top stressors. Despite a “language barrier” (he is a native Korean), I have never found communicating to be so simple.

I have met a partner that saw me for me and not just a “potential” for who I could be. He accepted me at the state I was in on my mental health journey. He held my hand through the tough bits, and patiently walked with me through it. I am so grateful to have a person that wasn’t pushing me to transform and heal at that moment. He is in this with me and experiencing growth just as I am.

Most importantly, my partner has helped me re-discover fun. Even the most mundane of things is fun when we’re together. Going to Costco, eating burgers at a local burger place, taking the dogs to the cafe, or just hanging out at home doing our own thing while sharing the same space can be fun. I’m looking forward to the time we will have together in the future, however long that may be.

Yes, even that time my cat almost severed tendons in my hand became something we laugh about.

This past year, I fell back in love with my job. That isn’t to say that I do not have periods of burn out, but I had spent so much of 2019-2020 completely disassociated from my work. I no longer remembered why I came back to teach in the first place.

I am so thankful to have a job that doesn’t abuse my willingness to help out. While the hours and the work can be tough, I have never really felt like I was nothing but a body. Over the last year, I have had a few situations (see photo above) regarding my physical health that have required understanding and extra care. I was accommodated and cared for during those times, and I am so grateful to have an upper management team that is actually attentive and caring about my wellbeing.

It’s been good to be able to focus on teaching the best that I can without worrying about abusive colleagues. We get in, we teach, we have some fun, and we clock out at the end of the day. This is how a job should be.

This isn’t to say it’s perfect, but it is just what I needed after years of not having the right environment to thrive in.

November 23, 2021November 3, 2021

Gratitude – Part One

‘Tis the season to think about what you’re grateful for!

Of course, Thanksgiving isn’t the only time you should be grateful for what you have in life. However, I realized that I haven’t really written about gratitude in 2 years. So much has changed since the last Thankfulness and Gratitude post. Well, mainly the fur family, significant other, and job. Today, my focus is on how grateful I am that those things have changed.

My fur family saw a major change last year when I welcomed Butterscotch to the family. He is my first and only cat. He is my biggest foster fail. He is the perfect addition to our little family. Butterscotch popped into my life during a time of hardship. It was the beginning of the pandemic 2020, and I had just called it quits with my then-boyfriend. I honestly felt like my world had been turned upside and that shit was the lowest it will ever get. What I didn’t know, was that this was about to turn into one of the best years of my life. It all started with Butterscotch.

He was a dirty little thing, and so needy. I was lucky that my boss, at the time, loves cats and she allowed me to have him in his carrier at my feet while I taught online. He had a kitty cold and needed a lot of TLC before he could go to a forever family. I was intent on finding him one. The pandemic made it hard, but I had friends back home that were so interested in adding him to their family. I got on a waitlist for flights heading to Chicago, and got estimates for him to fly.

Despite the promising forever home, I just couldn’t let him go. I was overly protective of him and nothing felt quite right if he wasn’t at home with us. So, after a few foster homes… and friends of mine running away screaming (he’s a bit of a troublemaker), he ended up in my home again in September of 2020. This time, it was for good.

I had to break it to the potential adopters that I wouldn’t be sending him over. I felt horrible, but I would have felt worse if I had taken him away from Misha and Dobby. They were attached. We moved houses quite a few times in this last year, but he has adjusted well each time. I’m so grateful I stumbled on him last year. I can’t imagine what my little family would be like without him.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, adding him to my life was the start of one of the best years I have had in a long time.

July 19, 2021July 19, 2021

Update on Life

The last few months have flown by and I can’t believe how much summer has already passed. I’m a few days shy of my first ever summer vacation while working in Korea. It’s absolutely wild to think that I had normalized getting 5 working days of vacation + Chuseok + Seollal every year for almost 5 years.

My dear friends and long-time readers probably know that I started a new job in March (well, technically mid-February… but officially I was supposed to start in March). So far, this job has been such a positive change from where I was before. I have established a steady schedule that balances work and life outside of work well. I don’t feel as if my non-work hours are consumed by work drama anymore. This could be due in part to me having an established social life outside of work and there is not nearly as much drama as my previous workplace.

Life’s been treating me well. The battles I have with anxiety and depression are no longer as daunting as they were a year prior. I recognize that I have come such a long way from the place I was in last summer. I barely recognize the person that I was then. Getting to a better mental space has done so much for so many aspects of life. Here are a few that I have noticed drastic differences in.

Sleep has always been difficult for me. With diagnosed insomnia, I used to rely on an Ambien prescription to get me to sleep. In Korea, doctors really do try to shove a pill in every problem. They have a long way to go until they reach effective mental healthcare. However, getting me the Ambien prescription saved my life. I was on it for over a year. With the guidance of my doctor, I no longer take any prescription sleep medication. I will say that the number of hours of sleep has gone down to maybe 5 or 6 hours, but I know the quality of sleep and the way I feel when I wake up are drastically different. I wake up feeling mostly refreshed and like I can tackle a day. Before, on Ambien, I would feel dread and absolutely no energy to get ready or even walk the dogs.

Physical activity has gone way up! There was a period of about 10 months in 2020 where I didn’t track any of my physical activity or wear my Apple watch. Depression is a real bitch and it just makes you stop caring about those basic things that keep you healthy. I started wearing my watch again at the end of 2020 (around November) and have noticed a general upward trend in physical activity. I have been meeting my exercise, movement, step, and stand goals every day. This may not seem very difficult to the disciplined gym goer, and I admit that old me (pre-COVID me) would not have found this impressive. But I’m proud that I’m moving my body enough every day.

My pets also seem happier because I am spending more time being present with them. During the worst of the depression, I would take them on walks where I would be completely detached from what I was doing. I went through the movements, picked up their shit, and came back inside. I can’t say every walk isn’t like that, but I am experiencing so much more awareness while I am outside with the dogs. I have also begun to work in structured play time with the cat!

There are still difficult days and days where I don’t feel like I’m all the way present. I continue to work through those days and I try my best not to believe that little voice in my head telling me all of this work is for nothing.

August 10, 2020

Late Night Thoughts: Breaking Point

Over the last few weeks I have had some severe ups and downs. I fluctuate between being a hopeful and optimistic person that is shaking with excitement of what the future has to offer and a person that is paralyzed by the fear and anxiety of uncertainty. While dealing with this uncertainty, my work has been going through the “Intensives” period for summer. What is this, you ask? Well, it’s basically where we, the teachers, teach anywhere between 6 to 9 hours non-stop for at least 4 out of 5 days a week. To add a dash of salt to the wound, COVID-19 has shortened my students’ summer vacation with public school, and we had to cram all 4 weeks of a normal 4 week vacation intensive camp into 3 weeks. Yep. Saturday classes required.

I have been expending my energy, both physical and mental, in order to do my job well. I know that I have previously discussed having High-Functioning Anxiety/Depression. I am recently coming to terms with the fact that being this way may has driven me to the point I am at today. I care so much about “doing well” and being “put together” that I forget that I get to be upset about things and be on the lookout for something better.

A few months ago, I had a meeting with my direct supervisor and the director of the school on the direction that I hoped to go in. I asked to be a regular teacher and to remove my title as a Head Instructor. Of course, it wasn’t that easy, and there were stipulations. I suppose I felt like I owed it to work to allow for stipulations because I wanted to continue to be a useful worker. For the first time in my life I wasn’t continuing to claw my way up because that’s what I “ought” to do. For the first time, I decided what’s best for me as a whole human being. It was terrifying. I was overcome with guilt for “disappointing” my supervisors. I berated myself for not being useful, and a little voice in my head reminded me that the reason why I couldn’t “handle” being HI was because I was weak and stupid.

You see, telling the self-loathing part of me to just shut the fuck up and let me live seems to be an easy thing to do. After all, you’re supposed to be able to control your thoughts. Or at least that’s what the world tries to make you think. Individuals with anxiety or depression end up wondering how the hell you’re supposed to just… “control” these thoughts. While people will just say, “Just don’t think about them.” It’s the most excruciatingly frustrating conversation. I have had these conversations so many times. “Well, I can’t really do that, because these thoughts are intrusive,” I’ll say in reply. The reply I usually get is, “Well, just try a bit harder to block that out.” This reply makes me not want to make another human acquaintance again. Like, ok, cool. You cured me. The thousands I’ve spent on therapy, medication, and specialized treatment. Useless. I should have just blocked the damn thoughts this whole time. Easy.

Clearly, as you can tell by the little rant, stopping myself from hating myself and blaming myself is something that is hardwired into my brain. Not sure why. I’m still digging for it. But I know it has a lot to do with culture, upbringing, and habits I’ve formed since I was a child. My willingness to unlearn these habits is the only strength I have right now. The hope for a better future is one of the few things I can hang on to.

As I’m laying in bed having a mini breakdown because: I hate work, I’m sad, I’m lonely, I hate myself, etc., I have to remember the one universal truth. The only certainty in life is uncertainty. Nothing is permanent.

July 9, 2020

Battling Progress

I have struggled to find the energy to write over the last couple of months. With the current events, the social atmosphere, and the change in dynamics due to COVID-19, I haven’t been able to articulate how every day has felt. I’ve made a lot of big choices in my life in order to uplift and push me on to a path of healing. I’ve also made some questionable choices that appear to have set me back. To say I’m feeling back to square one would be an exaggeration. But to say that I’m still trying to see the “progress” I’ve made has made me feel as if I’m not expressing myself in a genuine way.

I know that my progress has come in small waves. I’ve gained more independence away from my friends, and especially away from the me that I wasn’t so fond of at the beginning of this year. In half of a year, I’ve grown into a me that I’m proud of. I’ve taken this entire year of uncertainty and learned to cope without devastation. I’ve made one decision after another that completely changed my life without ending up certain that it would destroy me.

On the other side of this, I do see myself self-sabotaging. I put a block on progressing and moving forward by putting on a heavy coat of armor. Shielding vulnerable self from emotional connections. I see myself berating my vulnerability by telling it to “suck it up” or to not “let it show” that I’m struggling. I plaster an emotionless face on top of a lot of sadness and worry. I overwhelm myself with social engagements and activities because I hate that feeling I get at the end of the day when there’s nothing left but to sit with my thoughts. I become passionate about social issues and overwhelm myself with news, media, and other content in order to keep my mind away from hurting about the stuff happening on a personal level. I justify it by telling myself that the little stuff isn’t important compared to all the big stuff happening in the world that is unjust.

While I want to say that I want to keep fighting, engaging in conversations about social activism, and making statements. I have found myself unable to keep up with my own basic needs. I wake up every morning dreading what I will face at work and hoping to get to the point where I can lay my head back down on the pillow and fall asleep. I often wonder who the hell am I, and what am I doing here? Do I like being alone? Or am I just so exhausted from everything I have been doing to care?

I’ve been told that this is what progress looks like. That it can feel as if nothing has really changed on a micro level. But if I take a step back and look at things at a macro level, there’s a world of a difference for me. I just have to step out and stop sabotaging my own progress. Easier said than done.

In order to focus on my progress, I’ll be taking on a little less. Resting a little more. Ruminating a little less. Being a little more vulnerable and letting myself cry a bit more. I’ll be cutting out the parts of my life that have drained me, and continue taking on what I can handle not what I “ought to” handle.