setbacks – Turbulent Mind

Today has been a little bit of a journey for me. I’ve been feeling very physically ill, and terrified that it was the Wuhan Coronavirus. I know, I know… health anxiety is a real thing and I should stop Googling symptoms. I stopped by the hospital to get checked, and they don’t seem to concerned. Of course, that’s not how anxiety works. I’m still terrified.

Aside from taking care of myself, I have also been sorting through a lot of thoughts this evening. I had planned on doing this, as I mentioned in my last post. It’s my last day of a long holiday weekend and I have been thinking and sorting through a lot of the anxiety, sadness, and fears that I’ve been setting aside because I have been too tired, overwhelmed and anxious to deal with my stuff. Here are some things I’ve sorted through, and some things that I have realized through the last few weeks.

The winter months are packed full of holidays, and I’ve been experiencing some serious sadness and loneliness on an almost monthly basis. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Lunar New Year are all holidays I enjoy spending with my family and friends. I missed out on so many things and I know it’s my own damn fault. I chose to come out here, why? Why did I choose to come out here if I get so sad when I can’t be with people that I love on important days. My anxiety kind of overflows during this time, as my family and loved ones are too busy to communicate and update me. I feel like their lives are flying by while my life is sitting at a standstill waiting for news and updates about their lives. I am justifiably sad/down in the dumps. Even though I have been feeling a little bit sad about things like missing my family, significant other, and friends. I understand that being far apart doesn’t mean that I am not loved and not important. Realizing this and working through the rationalizing has helped me feel a lot less anguished.

Another feeling I’ve been working through is absolute exhaustion from work. It’s really hard to stop myself from criticizing my decisions to come back to a job that does get extremely busy during the winter and summer seasons. There is a fine line between being extremely busy and burnt out. I could feel everyone around me slowly cross that line and enter “burnt out.” And, to be honest, I was getting secondhand burnout and anxiety. “Did I make the right choice to come back?” and “Is this a toxic environment for me?” are thoughts that I actively tried to avoid thinking about during the busy times for self preservation. I know that I enjoy my work immensely. Seeing the kids learn makes me happy. The environment can be what I make it, and I can choose to let the energy of others ruin the experience for me, or I can choose to focus on my own emotions and how I feel.

There have been a lot of days where I did not want to wake up in the morning. I go to bed hoping that I won’t have to wake up the next day. I think about all of the other days to follow and I’m overwhelmed by the weight of the future. I think about all of the things I want to do but haven’t. Before I have even begun the day, I’ve already set myself up for failure. I’ve already set myself up for a day of hopelessness and sadness.

Now that I’ve spent the entire day contemplating what to do with some of these negative and unhelpful emotions and thoughts, I definitely need an action plan to deal with some of the negative and intrusive anxious thoughts. Recently, I’ve been really enjoying a Podcast that brought me a lot of strength today. The Tablo Podcast has helped me see a lot of things about dealing with depression. I really need to take each day, one day at a time. I need to complete thought processes and dealing with my feelings one day at a time. As much as I’d like to just push some of the things off for an “easier” or another day, I really do need to address the day’s feelings on the day so that I don’t carry the day’s weight on me.

Through listening to the podcast I’ve felt a little less alone, as there have been so many moments of “Ahah! I’ve felt exactly the same!” As he describes moments in his life and his own struggle with depression.

A lot of things have been difficult these days, and I know that they can continue being a challenge, but I’m determined to make the best of things and to better my mental health. Every New Year, people make “New Years Resolutions” to be a better version of themselves. I’ve said before that setting a resolution for the year can often mean setting yourself up for failure. So, like Tablo says, I’m gonna make a day resolution for every day of something attainable.

For tomorrow, Tuesday, my resolution is to wake up at a decent hour and do some work around the house before heading to work. And each day, I will need to take all of the emotions and events of the day, and properly address them. No more putting it off for later.

One of the most discouraging things about this whole “recovery” process is how devastating a setback can feel. It can feel like nothing you did up to this point actually mattered. You still just end up back here with the thoughts that swirl around in your head. There could be absolutely no trigger. It could be something as simple as lack of sleep or just being a bit blue about saying good-bye to friends. Yesterday, it was both of those things that led me into some pretty dark territory. When I’m in the middle of a spin-out, my idea of my self worth isn’t very pretty. To be honest, sometimes it’s just my brain telling me things have been a little bit too okay for too long, and it’s about time that it stirs some shit up for me to overthink about.

On days like those, it’s really hard to see that path ahead of you. The path of healing seems to just be one of those track loops and you always end up in that rough spot again and again. Starting to feel hopeless that things never will work out. Or feeling like no matter what I do, I will always have this is one of the many discouraging and distressful thoughts that swirl around in my head during a spin out. Amidst my spin out, I knew that self soothing techniques wouldn’t work, and the longer I wait until I reached out to someone to talk about what’s going on, the deeper I’ll fall. In order to combat spin-outs and getting stuck in a loop, my therapist and I have actually devised a “plan” of sorts to help me sort through those emotions. I’m hoping that this can help someone out there who is also stuck in a negative feedback loop. Here are the steps I take when I feel myself spinning out of control with myself.

Behavioral Activation – If at all possible, engage in a behavior activating activity. These activities are any activity that can get you closer to feeling a sense of accomplishment by setting and working toward a goal. Sometimes, if I notice the signs that I am falling into a slump or into an overthinking loop, I give myself a task to complete in order to further myself away from the negative feelings of being in the slump and to distract the overthinking. Some tasks include walking my dogs, cleaning, organizing my desk or doing small administrative tasks for work.
Rationalizing – Often times, anxiety attacks/slumps come about due to a negative perspective or idea of yourself. Rationalizing that it is unrealistic to expect perfection from yourself. Or questioning any intrusive thoughts by asking what solid evidence do I have to support this irrational belief is very helpful in making disruptive thoughts less distressing.
Grounding Techniques – If the behavioral activation is no longer effective, this usually means that I am at a point where I will not benefit from setting a goal or thinking about “future me” is setting off my panic. Grounding works miraculously in helping calm the physiological sensations of panic and anxiety. Grounding techniques could include deep breathing exercises, body scan meditation, or just checking in with your senses.
Reach out to a friend – I always put this last, because I am trying to train myself to be self-sufficient. Sometimes things are so messed up and you’re so deep inside the spiral that you need another person to help you. Whether it be to just keep you company, to talk about the issue at hand, or just to get your mind off of things, another person can really help improve the mood.
Self Care – The feeling of hunger and anxiety are both very similar for me. Realizing that I may be spinning out because it’s my body’s way of telling me that I need to eat or I won’t be well was pretty useful yesterday. I often forget about meals because my depression has made it hard to recognize what is hunger and what is anxiety.

I’m hoping this post can help those that have been trying their best to live the best way they can while dealing with the effects of anxiety and depression. For now, I will celebrate that I got through today despite yesterday being difficult. I got through today and I will continue to make my way through the days. Remember, one of the acts of self-care and behavior activation is to make sure you reward yourself, even if it’s just a little bit, for making it through another day and another struggle.

Tag: setbacks

One day at a time…

Setbacks – Because Progress isn’t Linear