Tag: relationships

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“The Benefits of Heartbreak”

Now that I’ve started out the mood of the post with a song that puts together what the last few days have felt like to me in a nice and concise 3 minute and 30 second musical delight.

This week has felt like an entire month. It started out with a nervous Monday. My mind was all over the place and fearing all of the changes that are happening all over the world. I remember being told by friends and family back home that it’s ok, and I’ll be fine during this COVID-19 mess, but… I still didn’t feel fine. Now that it’s back home my brain went into overdrive. What if my parents get sick? My friends and loved ones? I couldn’t take care of myself. I couldn’t even feed myself. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I just couldn’t do anything productive. At this time, I managed to reach my partner, and something compelled me to ask “Do you still have room for this relationship?” While he had been busier over the last few weeks, an effort was still made to keep me in his life. I felt so disconnected and so afraid, I asked this question, that I knew the answer to.

Sadly, I could feel my mental health and control over my reactions unraveling. At times like these, my mind can often wander into the, “It would be nice to disappear” area of my brain. Or even scarier, “Who would I have to write letters to? I want them all to know it’s not because of anything they did. I was selfish and incredibly cowardly and useless” territory. I know that when these thoughts begin to invade my thoughts whenever I’m alone, it is often an issue with the medication I’m taking.

By Wednesday, I knew I had to visit my doctor. But, of course, my doctor could not see me. The hospital I visit has become the spot where Daegu city (the Korean city with the most cases) sends patients to get treatment and to keep their hospitals in operation for other conditions. It was shut down for non-COVID19 cases. I could not see my doctor. This is where being a foreigner that has limited ability to speak Korean becomes hard. I panicked, “What do you mean I can’t get support until this thing blows over?” Luckily, I have amazing support that helped me locate a new clinic that specializes in psychiatry. I’m so grateful for my friends this week.

The psychiatrist was compassionate and patient. He listened carefully to my struggles. Took note of what worked and didn’t work before putting me on a new combination of pills. 8 hours after taking my first dose, a sobering and heartbreaking realization hit me. “It’s not that my boyfriend doesn’t have room for me, I am projecting the fact that I can’t keep my head above the water in the situation and I don’t have room to be an understanding and secure person in this relationship. I needed to get back to feeling like myself, and it was no longer sustainable to try to do that while dealing with the pandemic, changed schedules, and our relationship.

I have spent the last few days regretting and then reassuring myself over making this move. Right now, to this moment, I still love him very much. But I know that he is happier and freer without the stress of having to help me maintain a level head and feeling secure in our relationship.

Why is it that it feels harder to say good-bye when it’s not because all of my love for the person has run out, but because I love them and don’t want to burden them any longer? Why is it that this remains difficult for me to process and fully accept?

Why the hell did I rip my own heart out and ghetto stomp it to pieces on purpose?

While the thoughts at the moment circle around a lot of negativity and sadness, I do want to list a few things I’m grateful for.

  1. I’m grateful for the memories that this relationship brought me. I have experienced, learned, and felt so much affection, love, and had so many adventures with a person that I truly enjoyed spending time with.
  2. I’m grateful for the support for my decisions, the compassion and love he showed me despite how difficult this was for me and maybe even for him.
  3. I’m grateful for my network of friends that are rooting for me, and consequently rooting for a small possibility that we may still have love in our future.
  4. I’m grateful for how much change, growth, and love I’ve shown myself over the last year. It hasn’t been easy, but my support system has done their best to hold me accountable.

I felt very reluctant about posting this, but I imagine some readers may have similar experiences they would like to discuss or ponder about.

I will make it a goal to update this blog more often. This is a formative period in my development and I hope to be able to write and record this journey.

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Misconceptions of Love

March 14th – White Day. Korea’s all about the holidays that focus on the couple. New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, White Day, Christmas Eve…. all of those holidays plus 100 day anniversaries, all the anniversaries. It’s enough to make one’s head spin. But one of the biggest things about Korea is how much their media is fueled by the same “boy meets girl” narrative.

One of the biggest misconceptions of love, that I am extremely guilty of feeling, is that love is intense, sweeping, and life changing. When you fall in love with someone that’s the single most life-changing thing you will ever experience. It’ll change your world, your perspective, and your life will be complete. At least that’s what all of these Hollywood movies, K-Dramas and love songs are telling us. While I’m not saying that love doesn’t ever feel like that, I am saying that often times people, including myself, are guilty of thinking that love will stay that way forever.

In every relationship, past or present, I have definitely fallen into the trap of questioning whether or not the fading of the intense, sweeping emotions of falling for someone is normal. The questioning often leads to anxiety that my relationship is “broken” somehow, and it may or may not become a self-fulfilling prophecy where it does end up breaking down due to unrealistic expectations.

Some of these unrealistic expectations are handed down to me from generations of the belief that being in a committed relationship equals sacrifice. I’ve watched as women in the generations before me sacrifice their happiness, freedom, and opportunities to “fall in line” with their roles “behind” the men in their lives. I’ve been taught that the biggest joy I will ever have in life is to find a partner to have children with and start a family with because the people around me will question and ask about when I will reach those landmarks. I come from generations of women that believed that their sole purpose was to raise and educate their children to be productive members of society and to fall into the same roles that they once have. Generations of men and women that sacrifice for the sake of creating that family. I come from a refugee family that left their home because they had no choice to raise a family in a country that never has and never will really accept them as their own.

I am very lucky to have parents that have the ability to change, learn, and understand my wants and needs. While I have felt the pressure to walk on that path, my parents ultimately understood that not everyone’s happiness will stem from meeting those expectations. Through a lot of growing and painful experience, I’ve learned that this is what unconditional love is. To love your child no matter the decisions they make because you just want their decisions to lead to their happiness. That is love. Loving me despite the fact that I have made mistakes and continuing to support my decisions as an adult is what true parental love is. Being a supportive force in the background and allowing me to always be the captain of my own ship is what parental love should be. While they haven’t always been perfect at this, they have shown me that people can change and learn even in adulthood. They continue to astonish me in their tolerance of me as their adult child.

Some of the unrealistic expectations I have for my own romantic relationships originate in my early experiences with what romantic relationships look like. Movies, music, television all told me love is a huge sweeping feeling and it’s the “end goal.” Few movies feature stories of maintenance and sustaining a healthy relationship. They just… fall in love… then what? As I grew older and experienced different relationships, I realize that I got stuck in the maintenance and sustaining part. It was always much more difficult than I ever imagined, and sometimes, even if I felt like things weren’t going great, I’d stick around “just to see” if it got any better. It usually didn’t because love is a choice. It takes work and it is a conscious decision you make. You choose the person that you’re with, but the most important thing that I’ve learned is that you should never choose your person over yourself. Likewise, you should never expect the other person to choose you over their own mental well being. The biggest takeaway that I have learned from therapy and from relationships, past and present, is that we must both respect each other’s need to have self-care. I don’t always practice this takeaway, and there are times when my anxiety influences me to selfishly push and disrupt my partner’s need for self-care so that I can quiet my fears. Ultimately though, this is a lesson I’m learning each and every day, as I try to sustain my own romantic relationship.

Another thing I have learned about sustaining a relationship is that, while your partner is here for you and wants to support you, they cannot be your therapist. They cannot be the only person you run to in your support network. If you find that your anxieties and emotions are wearing down the relationship, it’s time to expand your support network and, if possible, seek professional help. That is the single best thing I have ever done for myself and for all of my relationships romantic or not.

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Boundaries

I think one of the things I like the most about Korea is how distinctly different each of the four seasons are. I always feel a distinct mark that signifies the end of the winter and the transitions into spring. There’s never any confusion. The cherry blossoms will bloom in April, the leaves will start to come back on the trees and by the end of May, you will begin to hear the cicadas buzzing and feel the temperature rising. Every season has boundaries and there’s very little overlapping or confusion.

In contrast, in Minnesota, where I’m originally from, our seasons blend together into a sort of either cold or not cold. Even if you’re in the clear for a few weeks from the snow storms. Maybe even when you’re about to walk across the stage to graduate from college, a snowstorm could decide to show up and it would still be pretty “normal.” The boundaries of the seasons are blurred and it can often feel rather chaotic.

Much like the seasons the way I’m able to implement and follow through with personal boundaries has been vastly different. In Korea, I live independently and manage everything on my own with little to no help. Despite not speaking much of the language, I get by and have been able to live a happy and mostly healthy life. I draw boundaries between myself and my friends, family, and significant others. They do the same for me. I have learned here, that boundaries are important and necessary in any human relationship.

Back home in Minnesota, the boundaries get blurred. Growing up, boundaries were difficult for me. As the oldest child, I was always asked and expected to do things for my little sisters, even if it meant that I didn’t want to. In fact, I was taught that self-sacrifice or yielding to the younger siblings was my job. I was taught that I should be helpful and happy for my parents’ sake because they struggled so much day-to-day that the “least I can do” is to help them with certain tasks and projects I found to be unpleasant or not enjoyable. As I grew older, I became a confidant for both of my parents, and I didn’t mind, until, at some point, it became a matter of taking on their worries and burdens as my own and treating them as my responsibility. Cracking under pressure, I remember having several blow outs with my parents regarding my boundaries. I remember being upset about something that was, in hindsight, probably something I didn’t need to be upset about, but I was. I remember being told that I was “ridiculous” or “overreacting.” I remember feeling bad for expressing that what was said to me was not ok.

During this journey of healing and growth, I have found that many of my childhood experiences that have shaped me are products of a situation where my parents, as human beings, were learning as they were going. They were taught, through tradition, that hierarchy are important, and that the higher you are up on the scale, the more rights you have to blow through boundaries. This has made it rather difficult for me to understand that every human being needs to have boundaries. It’s made it difficult for me to ask for boundaries and it’s made it difficult for me to follow requests to give space and boundaries as well.

Recently, I realized that I have people in my life that do not need to continue to have a space in my life for. After many years of patterns and repeated behavior, I finally realize that not only need to place temporary boundaries on family members but I can also put up permanent boundaries around people that I do not wish to share my time with any longer. I felt cornered into making a decision to remove a long-time friend from my life. While I did it quietly and cautiously, I felt horrible. Horrible because I know that by not providing my explanation, I am supporting myself in putting up my permanent boundary away from them, but I am going to let this person continue living wondering or blaming me for putting her through an upsetting time. Losing and cutting out friends is never easy. And at my age, it’s even harder because I can only count the friends that I truly love and depend on my two hands.

I am grateful for the skills I have learned over the last year, and I’m thankful for all of the progress I’ve made. I’m proud of myself because I am able to respect boundaries that are placed between me and my significant over much more easily than before. I hope that readers that are struggling with feeling like they are always “taken advantage of” or that they’re the friend people only call when they’re “in trouble” can understand that putting up boundaries will save you from a lot of disappointment and heartache.

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One day at a time…

Today has been a little bit of a journey for me. I’ve been feeling very physically ill, and terrified that it was the Wuhan Coronavirus. I know, I know… health anxiety is a real thing and I should stop Googling symptoms. I stopped by the hospital to get checked, and they don’t seem to concerned. Of course, that’s not how anxiety works. I’m still terrified.

Aside from taking care of myself, I have also been sorting through a lot of thoughts this evening. I had planned on doing this, as I mentioned in my last post. It’s my last day of a long holiday weekend and I have been thinking and sorting through a lot of the anxiety, sadness, and fears that I’ve been setting aside because I have been too tired, overwhelmed and anxious to deal with my stuff. Here are some things I’ve sorted through, and some things that I have realized through the last few weeks.

The winter months are packed full of holidays, and I’ve been experiencing some serious sadness and loneliness on an almost monthly basis. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Lunar New Year are all holidays I enjoy spending with my family and friends. I missed out on so many things and I know it’s my own damn fault. I chose to come out here, why? Why did I choose to come out here if I get so sad when I can’t be with people that I love on important days. My anxiety kind of overflows during this time, as my family and loved ones are too busy to communicate and update me. I feel like their lives are flying by while my life is sitting at a standstill waiting for news and updates about their lives. I am justifiably sad/down in the dumps. Even though I have been feeling a little bit sad about things like missing my family, significant other, and friends. I understand that being far apart doesn’t mean that I am not loved and not important. Realizing this and working through the rationalizing has helped me feel a lot less anguished.

Another feeling I’ve been working through is absolute exhaustion from work. It’s really hard to stop myself from criticizing my decisions to come back to a job that does get extremely busy during the winter and summer seasons. There is a fine line between being extremely busy and burnt out. I could feel everyone around me slowly cross that line and enter “burnt out.” And, to be honest, I was getting secondhand burnout and anxiety. “Did I make the right choice to come back?” and “Is this a toxic environment for me?” are thoughts that I actively tried to avoid thinking about during the busy times for self preservation. I know that I enjoy my work immensely. Seeing the kids learn makes me happy. The environment can be what I make it, and I can choose to let the energy of others ruin the experience for me, or I can choose to focus on my own emotions and how I feel.

There have been a lot of days where I did not want to wake up in the morning. I go to bed hoping that I won’t have to wake up the next day. I think about all of the other days to follow and I’m overwhelmed by the weight of the future. I think about all of the things I want to do but haven’t. Before I have even begun the day, I’ve already set myself up for failure. I’ve already set myself up for a day of hopelessness and sadness.

Now that I’ve spent the entire day contemplating what to do with some of these negative and unhelpful emotions and thoughts, I definitely need an action plan to deal with some of the negative and intrusive anxious thoughts. Recently, I’ve been really enjoying a Podcast that brought me a lot of strength today. The Tablo Podcast has helped me see a lot of things about dealing with depression. I really need to take each day, one day at a time. I need to complete thought processes and dealing with my feelings one day at a time. As much as I’d like to just push some of the things off for an “easier” or another day, I really do need to address the day’s feelings on the day so that I don’t carry the day’s weight on me.

Through listening to the podcast I’ve felt a little less alone, as there have been so many moments of “Ahah! I’ve felt exactly the same!” As he describes moments in his life and his own struggle with depression.

A lot of things have been difficult these days, and I know that they can continue being a challenge, but I’m determined to make the best of things and to better my mental health. Every New Year, people make “New Years Resolutions” to be a better version of themselves. I’ve said before that setting a resolution for the year can often mean setting yourself up for failure. So, like Tablo says, I’m gonna make a day resolution for every day of something attainable.

For tomorrow, Tuesday, my resolution is to wake up at a decent hour and do some work around the house before heading to work. And each day, I will need to take all of the emotions and events of the day, and properly address them. No more putting it off for later.

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My Relationship with Depression

Comorbidity between Depressive Disorders and Anxiety Disorders is such a common thing. One would think they’re similar and work together to make a person feel like crap. But in all honesty, I think that these two are opposing forces that end up pushing people back and forth between not caring at all anymore to caring way too much.

I’ve known when my depression flares up because I won’t want to do anything. Like… anything. I don’t eat, don’t sleep, don’t check my phone, and I do the bare minimum for the dogs to be happy. I have had a much less turbulent relationship with this part of my mental health, because it’s like she’s always there. Depression is there to remind me that when I reach too far or stretch my resources too thin, I will feel like shit.

It certainly does sound like I’m saying my depression is a good thing, but that is anything but the truth. Depression has taken a lot out of my life, and many other people’s lives. Depressive episodes has caused me to miss weddings of my closest friends, good-bye parties of people I won’t see again, and after work drinks where coworkers bond together. Depression likes it when I isolate myself from everyone other than her, and depression loves it when I continue to pass up on behavior activating activities.

Luckily for me, depression rarely takes the driver’s seat of my life. She usually reserves that for Anxiety. I think it’s because my depression knows, that if she lets Anxiety run my life for long enough, I will get exhausted enough to run back to her. Anxiety is a state in which I overanalyze, care about, and worry about a lot of different things. The most triggering thought for my anxiety is the uncertainty of life. Depression knows that something is bound to pop up that will remind me that life is uncertain, and she knows that once Anxiety’s had enough of driving my life, she’ll park and have a full on panic attack break down. In swoops depression to tell me that I don’t need to do anything and I don’t need to care. I just need to lay in bed and let depression do her work. Like I mentioned in my last post, anxiety has her purpose and is a friend that has “helped me out” before. After a period of letting depression halt everything, anxiety always gets restless. Anxiety fuels my desire for perfection and starts to set impossibly high standards for me to reach. Of course, anxiety is setting me up for failure, but at least she’s got my back when depression’s being that destructive friend that doesn’t want you to do anything but commiserate with her.

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My Relationship with Anxiety

This post has been inspired by many people’s descriptions of what their relationship with their mental illness and their mind is like. Most notably, I am in love with this spoken word piece by Jae Nichelle.

This powerful description has inspired me to go on my own journey to try to define what my mental illness is to me. The best way to describe my anxiety is to describe it as my toxic bff that I can’t seem to get rid of.

For one thing, my anxiety is something that has never left me. From not being able to order a hamburger from a waitress at a restaurant, to spending entire summers not seeing my friends because I simultaneously had FOMO and felt that I would be too anxious to participate meaningfully with anything. My anxiety is a constant presence and fills in the spot that loneliness should be. If asked, “Aren’t you lonely living there by yourself?” I don’t think I can really define the feeling as loneliness. I’m anxious living on my own in a foreign country where I am not proficient in the language. Sure. But I made my own choice to do that, right? Right!

See, even when I was living in an area where the environment was familiar and the language was my native tongue, this nagging feeling of what felt to be “loneliness” was always there. As I have grown and moved through stages in my life carrying this “loneliness” with me despite being surrounded by human beings, I realize this was not loneliness that I carry. I am lugging around my dear old friend, anxiety. Anxiety is a friend that jealously protects me from everything that might hurt me. Every single “new” friend must go through the tests that Anxiety makes me put them through. A small slip-up and Anxiety tells me none of it is worth it. I start from scratch, and I keep whittling down the list of possible companions until there are none left.

Then, at the end of the day, Anxiety comforts me into sleep by telling me, “It’s ok, you’ve got me to keep you safe. As long as I’m around, nothing will get close enough to hurt you. I’ve thought of all the possible negative outcomes, and as long as you trust me, you won’t end up with any of them.”

This, theoretically seems great! Wow, I’ve got a built in friend that has my best interest at heart. It’s keeping me “safe” from all of the people and things that could hurt me. It’s making sure that I won’t end up with these horrible negative outcomes. But here’s the catch. Anxiety is also going to keep you from taking a chance where there is a slight chance you’ll meet a companion that will make you feel whole. Anxiety will try to stop you from connecting with this companion because they’re here to make sure you don’t take risks. With folks, like me, who have GAD, we overthink every single interaction, and even if our gut says, “go for it!” Our GAD will spend the next forever overthinking the interaction until you give in and say, “You’re right, I shouldn’t.”

And even after all this, Anxiety is still my friend. It’s what I count on to keep me from making stupid decisions, and it’s what I rely on to plan out how to get work done. Anxiety, you’ve done some awful shit to me. You’ve made me feel like I’m not deserving of certain people, things, and life events. You’ve fought with me to gain control of my decisions. You’ve even tried to get your buddy Panic Disorder in on it too to make me feel like my decisions will cause me to experience a heart attack of sorts. You’ve done so much shit to me, and you’re still my friend, because I know your intentions aren’t bad. I know, that you deeply just want to protect me. I just want you, Anxiety, to know, that I am going to protect you too. I have lived and learned skills that I can use to keep our heart safe, and I intend to use those skills. So you can relax and enjoy the finer things in life alongside me, because protecting me doesn’t always have to be your job.

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