Tag: relationships

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Season of Gratitude – Where I’m At

The last few years, I have written a series of posts during the month of November about things I am grateful for. It’s usually a collection of things, and sometimes it’s the exact same few things.

Here’s a listing of the last few years’ posts: Thankfulness and Gratitude, Gratitude – Part One, and Gratitude – Part Two.

November has come and gone, and it’s already Thanksgiving. There really isn’t enough time in a month, week, or day. I have had a lot of time to think about the things that I am particularly grateful in this season of life.

I am so grateful for a slow shift toward “normal” life. It has been an adjustment. Overall, Korea is still taking COVID-19 seriously, but it’s shifting slowly toward a “living with COVID” mentality. I didn’t realize how much I have missed. We went to a few festivals last month and have been visiting cafes and going out on dates more often than we ever did when we were still dating.

I am also grateful for continued good health. I have not come down with anything terribly severe this year. No ER visits! No crippling pain. It’s been a mild year. Despite getting COVID in March, I have been very well and strong.

I am so grateful for all of the time I have had to spend with my beloved pets. With the passing of Dobby in April, and then, more recently, Yuuki’s passing in October, I have been feeling so grateful to have had the opportunity to have such amazing animals in my life. It’s been a hard year, and I wish with every ounce of my being that I didn’t have to say good-bye to Dobby or Yuuki. Even so, I am so grateful for the years I have had with the both of them. I cherish every single memory, and I revisit them often. In addition, I have been making so many wonderful memories with the pets that are still with me today. Misha went to the Nakhwa Nori Fireworks Festival in Haman. She loves spending time outdoors and with us. We also made a stop in Changdong, an art neighborhood in our city, that has fake snow every hour in the evening on weekends. She wasn’t that excited about that, but we got some cute pictures.

I’m also so thankful for being able to reach the milestones that I have reached alongside my partner this year. First off, we moved into a small apartment together in August. It was a whirlwind of a move. Like I mentioned in Life Update + Grief Journey, between seeing the apartment and moving in, it was less than 10 days. Then, after the Chuseok holiday, we went and registered our marriage. At this time, we do not intend on having a wedding due to my family being so far and not feeling like we want to celebrate with a huge group of people. Nevertheless, this has been an exciting change and start to a new chapter in both of our lives.

I so very thankful that I will be seeing my mother at the end of the year. She is making a trip out to Asia and stopping in Vietnam first with my aunt. They will circle back to Korea and stay a little over a week with us. I am so excited to see her after 3 years of being stuck in Korea. It’ll be amazing to be with my own family again.

I am thankful for an amazing husband and in-laws. Over the last year, I have really been able to spend a lot of time with my partner and his family. They have been so welcoming and loving despite the language barrier. We went on a few wonderful trips this year to Jeju Island and a fishing trip in Masan. I am looking forward to having a family to spend major holidays with, and to feel more connected to others. Being a foreigner in a different country can be isolating, and I am so grateful that I am a little less lonely this year. And of course, I am so happy that I continue to be loved and cared for by the best husband. Thank you for meeting me where I’m at, and always thinking of me in everything that you do. Thank you for always making me laugh and becoming a crazy fur parent like me.

There’s a lot of gratitude to go around this year. It is a great reminder that I am fully allowed to feel more than one thing at a time. I am allowed to be heartbroken from grief, and appreciate what I have. I am allowed to celebrate accomplishments, milestones, and holidays while I hurt from loss. It’s been a very emotionally complex year. At times it feels like the worst year yet. At other times, it’s been the best. Looking forward to the next year with cautious optimism

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You Don’t Need To Be Better

During the first few days of a new year, I have been seeing so many “motivational posts” on how to “elevate” yourself in this new year. “Falling back” or “regression” is frowned upon in today’s culture of toxic positivity. “Good vibes only” going into 2022. All of these messages can be so harmful for those suffering from mental health issues or loss. The expectation to “grow” and “improve” your experience with mental health can be crushing. For those that are dealing with grief, the pressure to “move on” and “get over it” can feel so invalidating. I have seen so many people that I know experience one of the toughest years of their lives. If you are someone that is struggling… remember that you are allowed to take up the space and time that you need to process your emotions.

When I met my current partner, I was stepping into a phase in my life where I could recognize that I had made a lot of progress. In the last year, I have accomplished so much and my partner reminds me of how much I’ve grown regularly. Even so, I still feel an immense amount of pressure to become better.

On New Year’s Eve, my partner and I were having a late night heart-to-heart. He reminded me that he was so proud of me for overcoming so much and living so fully. It felt good to be recognized, but I immediately began putting myself down. “Well, yeah, but I still wake up feeling down often. I sometimes still wish I didn’t exist. I still find myself crying in the shower after a tough day. Many of these mornings have been spent dreading work and the day to come. I just need to keep becoming better. I need to get better.” My partner simply looked at me and said, “You don’t need to be better. You are already great. Your biggest problem isn’t that you are depressed or have anxiety. That is fine and just a part of your life experience. What is a problem is that you don’t recognize that you are amazing. You are everything you need to be for yourself.” I did not realize how much I needed to hear that.

Of course, it’s important to address and work on mental health issues. Healing is a work in progress that doesn’t always happen in a linear fashion. It’s ok to slow down and it’s ok to “regress” a bit. The most important thing is to recognize that you are enough. I am not sure where I’ve heard this, but: “You are somebody else’s goals.” The life you’re living, your personality, and your achievements are somebody else’s dream life. Try to look at yourself through the eyes of someone that looks up to you. You don’t need to be better.

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Goodbye 2021 – What a Year

Here we are! The last post of 2021. I can barely recognize the person I was when I wrote Goodbye 2020 – Please be nice 2021, and it really is a good thing! This year has been all about personal growth, fostering healthy habits, and continuing to apply the things that I have learned in therapy.

Things I Quit in 2021

  1. I quit therapy. I mean, I didn’t quit therapy because I thought it wasn’t working. I ended my regular therapy sessions because my therapist and I had reached a point in my journey where there wasn’t much I was actually working through in the sessions. The intention I had with therapy was that I would no longer need it to function. I realized that I was automatically using the skills that I learned in therapy and I was just reiterating things that happened in my sessions. It was bittersweet, because I did feel like my sessions were so productive. Now, I have skills that I can take with me. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll find myself in therapy again.
  2. Letting my job kill my joy. In my previous job, it was extremely hard to escape the soul crushing effects of my job. Even on weekends or days off, it was incredibly difficult for me to step away from my job and all of its draining effects. This year, I have put in hard boundaries for how I spend my time outside of work. I fill my personal time with joy and activities I enjoy. I fill the time with people that I love. I do not allow any of my work to spill into my space at home.
  3. Relationship anxiety. I have a severe case of relationship anxiety that has been much more prevalent in my life in previous years. This year has been noticeably different. I am not overextending myself in my relationships. Whether it be romantic or platonic, I am no longer allowing my relationships with others dictate how I treat myself. For instance, if a phone call to my partner doesn’t go through, I no longer allow my brain to spend time exploring the worst-case scenario. I am able to take a step back and rationalize the “what ifs” without allowing it to consume me.

Things I Gained in 2021

  1. A better understanding of what I need in my work/life balance. I began working in Korea in 2014, and have only worked for two different companies. In the past, this would have been normal. People used to get a job and stick with it for decades. However, in the ESL industry with foreign workers, this is never the case. The fact that I spent so many years at one job is a bit of an anomaly considering that the working conditions are not what I need in my life. With my current job, I got a little taste of a better work life balance. While it isn’t perfect, I now know what I’m looking for in an ideal position. I’m learning what is possible out here and not settling for less.
  2. A fun, new scar on my hand. This past summer was a summer of injuries. At the beginning of the summer, I had a bad sprain in my ankle that resulted in me wearing a boot for 3 weeks. Within a week, I was back in another cast on my hand. My cat, Butterscotch, was going through a lot of anxiety associated with our new house. For the first time in his life, he was able to clearly hear the street cats outside the window. He was on edge and began peeing and occasionally vomiting on my bed. One fateful night, he had made a mess in my bed. I needed to get the sheets and blankets off of the bed and bring them to the laundromat. I startled him as I attempted to pick him up to remove him from the bed. He left a very, very deep gash on the top of my hand and puncture wounds on my index finger that were extremely deep. When I went to the hospital, the doctor informed me that he very nearly sliced some of my tendons, which would have resulted in impairment in my hand. I came out of it with 15 stitches and an index finger that remained numb for months after the injury. Yes, I still love my cat.
  3. A deep appreciation for good health When I received my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine, I also had a UTI. I know that the combination of having a weakened body after the vaccine made the UTI flare up horribly. I have never been in that much pain in my life. I didn’t feel quit the same for several weeks after this. Then, both October and November, my dog, Dobby, experienced back issues that were caused by herniated disc that eventually ruptured. She underwent major surgery to remove the disc material from her spinal cord and spent several weeks paralyzed from the lower back to hind limbs. Then, a few weeks ago, I wrapped up the year with a mumps scare. I had swollen parotid glands that were cause for concern. The doctor swabbed me and on suspicion of having mumps. I was miserably sick and quarantined in my home until the results of the mumps swab came back. Luckily, I was clear! But I definitely have a deep appreciation for the days when my body is feeling well.

I, for once, have high hopes for 2022. There is so much that I have planned and hope to be able to follow through on next year. I can’t wait to update about new journeys and life.

2021 felt like an extension of the shitshow that was 2020. The pandemic is still no where near the end. I still haven’t seen my family in a long while. I am still trying to navigate life. For those that have been following along, thank you so much for reading. I’m hoping that 2022 will see as much consistent activity as I have been able to produce lately.

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How Empathy Hurts

This past week has been a very introspective week for me. I’ve spent a lot of time alone and thinking about my past. For whatever reason, I decided it was time for me to clean up my social media feeds a bit. This sent me down a bit of a rabbit hole of memories. As I scrolled past each name, I was reminded of a connection (or lack thereof) that we had upon making this digital connection. Some of them stung a bit, and I realized it was time that I let go of the connections that no longer served me.

This process got me thinking: What about the friendships that I had that were once really close? What did I do to cause the dissolution of this relationship? Why does it still hurt?

When I was in middle school and high school, I had a best girl friend. I confided in her with everything. We did so much together, and we found that we had a lot in common. When I reminisce about this relationship, I glaze over a lot of the toxicity and the discomfort that I felt while in this friendship. I felt so much pressure to be a supportive friend while experiencing so much frustration at how my needs weren’t being met in this friendship. Of course, teenage me did not realize that these frustrations should have been communicated directly with her. The most important thing for me was to not ever cause emotional distress to my friend, because I didn’t want to feel that distress through her. This twisted thought is led by empathy. In the end, our friendship exploded spectacularly in the most dramatic fashion. We haven’t spoken in 11 years, and we never will again.

I am an empathetic person, and I take on so much emotion in my relationships and friendships. I do this automatically. Some would say I do it voluntarily, but there are times when I “over-feel.” This is, by no means, a technical term. When I say “over-feel,” I really mean that I overthink the possible emotional reactions to my actions or words. It spins out of control, even when my mind is pleading for it to stop. I actively avoided conflict by bottling misgivings and my feelings in order to “shield” people from discomfort. I was taught that caring for other people’s feelings is the most important thing. Doing so made me a “good person.” But there was an overwhelming amount of angst and guilt that was generally looming around the person I was trying to shield. I didn’t understand this then as I do now, but I was hurting this person by shielding them. I think this was the biggest reason why our friendship ended so dramatically and so suddenly. I let too much boil up inside, I let it out inappropriately, and it hurt my friend.

The second part of how empathy hurts is that I tend to think about the situation in their perspective. Let’s take the above description of my part in the unraveling of a friendship early in my adult life. Due to empathy, I am constantly trying to live in the “what if” of being in the other person’s shoes. For years after the dissolution of my friendship, I would think of myself in the worst way possible. I saw myself as an insincere friend that I couldn’t trust, just as she had described me in our last conversation. This perception I had of myself hurt.

As I have been thinking about this ancient event over the last week, I realized that empathy and a lack of boundaries and self-love is what leads me into toxic friendships. I cannot discount the fact that our friendship, over the years that it lasted, was toxic. Toxic friendships are rarely one sided, and while my former friend may have leaned into my willingness to please and keep peace and crossed boundaries, I definitely did not respect myself enough to formally put up boundaries. My desire to alleviate every friend from discomfort or emotional distress was innately selfish. I didn’t realize it then, but I realize it now. I know that the reason why I did not wish emotional distress upon my friends was because, as an empath, I knew I would experience a piece of that distress myself.

My fellow empaths, remember that our ability to be empathetic is an asset only if we do not sacrifice our emotional wellbeing for it. The reason why you’re feeling uncomfortable with a relationship or situation is likely because you know that the other person is pushing your boundaries that you have not formally set. Remember, it is your responsibility to set those boundaries, but whether or not they react well or accept those boundaries aren’t your responsibility.

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Gratitude – Part Two

Man, I did not intend to have an entire post just about my cat. But I really couldn’t condense how thankful I am for his addition to the fur family.

Like I said in that post, adopting him was the beginning of a lot of really great things.

It wasn’t long after I decided to adopt him that I met my current partner. I had called it quits with my ex 7 months prior, and I was just getting back into the swing of socializing. I have learned so much from my partner about how it feels to not have your relationship as one of your top stressors. Despite a “language barrier” (he is a native Korean), I have never found communicating to be so simple.

I have met a partner that saw me for me and not just a “potential” for who I could be. He accepted me at the state I was in on my mental health journey. He held my hand through the tough bits, and patiently walked with me through it. I am so grateful to have a person that wasn’t pushing me to transform and heal at that moment. He is in this with me and experiencing growth just as I am.

Most importantly, my partner has helped me re-discover fun. Even the most mundane of things is fun when we’re together. Going to Costco, eating burgers at a local burger place, taking the dogs to the cafe, or just hanging out at home doing our own thing while sharing the same space can be fun. I’m looking forward to the time we will have together in the future, however long that may be.

Yes, even that time my cat almost severed tendons in my hand became something we laugh about.

This past year, I fell back in love with my job. That isn’t to say that I do not have periods of burn out, but I had spent so much of 2019-2020 completely disassociated from my work. I no longer remembered why I came back to teach in the first place.

I am so thankful to have a job that doesn’t abuse my willingness to help out. While the hours and the work can be tough, I have never really felt like I was nothing but a body. Over the last year, I have had a few situations (see photo above) regarding my physical health that have required understanding and extra care. I was accommodated and cared for during those times, and I am so grateful to have an upper management team that is actually attentive and caring about my wellbeing.

It’s been good to be able to focus on teaching the best that I can without worrying about abusive colleagues. We get in, we teach, we have some fun, and we clock out at the end of the day. This is how a job should be.

This isn’t to say it’s perfect, but it is just what I needed after years of not having the right environment to thrive in.

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Trauma Bonds – Why We Stay

When a third party is looking into a dysfunctional relationship, it can be easy to pick out what the problem is and to come to the conclusion that the “abused” should just leave. “There wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t in this crappy relationship.”

What exactly keeps people hooked onto an abusive relationship? Trauma bonds.

Trauma bonds have very real psychological and physiological effects on a person. These bonds create a codependent relationship in which the narcissistic abuser thrives off of the rewards of exerting control over their partner and the victim becomes hooked onto the rewards that happen after the turbulent punishment.

What is a trauma bond? It is a bond in which turbulent and hurtful periods are followed by extreme affection. This is a punishment and reward system that conditions the victim into becoming dependent upon the showering of affection that follows mistreatment.

One of the key characteristics of an abusive relationship is its cyclical nature. The narcissistic abuser inflicts trauma onto the victim in order to build them up again. These relationships are notoriously hard for people to get out of. It has taken me over a year and a half of self-reflection and therapy to realize that I was stuck in a relationship that was built off of trauma bonding.

So… why did I stay? Simply put, I was in a mental state that was vulnerable to getting caught in a trauma bond cycle. I didn’t have much confidence in myself and I didn’t feel great being alone either. It was the natural desire for companionship and love that kept me stuck in the low-lows and the dramatic highs. I thought to myself, “Well, the lows aren’t too bad compared with the love and affection I am shown once the drama is over.”

I have realized with healing and exposure to a healthy relationship that no fight with your significant other should ever feel like your entire world is being ripped to shreds. If someone can be in conflict with you so much that you feel like your world is being destroyed, that person does not care about your mental stability.

I have tried to explain away the cycles and I have tried to look deeply into what I did to contribute to this dynamic. They always say that it takes two to make or break a relationship. I searched, long and hard, for what I did to bring this upon myself. What did I do to get myself into such a dramatic and turbulent relationship? I convinced myself into believing that if I was different, or better, then the lows would stop. I put it on my own mental health issues and my anxiety disorder. I told myself, “All of this is happening because you can’t get your anxiety and depression under control. You are causing him to get short with you because you are anxious.” I blamed myself again and again. I apologized for being ill. The biggest thing I contributed to this dysfunctional relationship was putting the fault and blame in me and making myself responsible for “fixing” the relationship.

I still remember the first time I had an anxiety attack with my current partner. We were sitting in the car and I was frozen. I didn’t know what was wrong, but something was making me freeze up. I couldn’t figure out what triggered the anxiety. My partner looked at me and said, “Is everything okay? Do you need me to leave?” My anxiety began to heighten as I began to feel the familiar pressure of needing to explain myself and justify my anxiety or else he’ll leave. I needed to make sure that what I was feeling was “valid.” Was I “overreacting over nothing?” It must have been very apparent that I was freaking out internally, because what my partner said to me next was what I realized that I had needed all along. He said, “I don’t need to leave either, we can just sit together until your feelings pass. We have time.”

I remember sputtering and trying to justify why I was feeling this way. He laughed and said, “Sometimes, a lot of things can make you feel anxious. You don’t need to stress yourself out and figure out why right now. We can relax and just let this pass.” I was allowed to just work it out without him getting upset that I was not telling him everything. It was OK for me to just be anxious.

So why did I stay in this toxic relationship? Because I learned, through life, that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions were not right if they weren’t positive. I learned that I deserved the frustration and anger if I wasn’t able to back up my feelings because it inconvenienced the other person.

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The Insecurity in Codependency

A few weeks ago I came across a post on Instagram about this topic, and I have been doing a lot of soul searching and research since.

Often times, we attribute codependent relationships to an unhealthy dynamic with a partner. This puts a lot of focus on the partner or friend that you are in a codependent relationship with. There is some merit to this, as it takes a certain kind of reaction and personality to create an unhelpfully codependent relationship. However, I realize that when I started to do work with myself, the need for the codependent relationships fell away.

I’ll briefly, and vaguely, start with my history of codependent relationships. Since early adulthood/late teens, I have been in romantic relationships that were very long term. My first serious relationship dragged on for four years. During year number two, I realized that being with this person was not great for me or him. We did the on again off again thing mainly because I (maybe even we, but I can’t speak for him) were terrified of what it meant to be without a partner. Not long after that relationship ended, I was in a relationship that 5 years long. It ended when I realized that it wasn’t the person that I was in the relationship for, it was the security of having a significant other that kept me there. Yikes, right? You’d think I had learned my lesson… but I didn’t.

I hopped into another relationship in which I developed severely codependent habits. If you’ve been following along for a while, you may recall mention of this relationship. Now, it was, for the most part, a great relationship in terms of personal growth. I learned so much about myself during the (comparatively) brief time I spent with my former partner. The greatest lesson being how the major theme in all of my relationships is that there were severely codependent habits that I developed during them. I was part of the problem.

I needed to step back and take a good, hard look at how I contributed to the problems in my past relationship. I, now, truly believe that it takes two people to fuck up a relationship. We can spend our time hating our exes. We can also spend time hating ourselves. Neither are productive. I chose to spend time getting to know myself in the hopes of never having to work through the same issues that caused me stress and trauma in previous relationships. Here are some things I realized about my codependent habits.

  1. I always needed someone. It didn’t matter if they were a friend or a significant other. I always had someone. Between relationships, I would lean heavily on my friends and my siblings to fill up my time. There was a period of time where I wouldn’t go anywhere without my sister. I did not realize that this was a symptom of my social anxiety. I hated being in public. I hated being with strangers and being with someone that I was close to helped me cope with this. It became a necessity.
  2. I only felt safe leaving a romantic relationship that was not healthy if I was fully surrounded and supported by friends. I never felt “strong enough” to walk away from dysfunctional relationships. On again off again, I’d feel so lost and tormented dealing with my own intrusive thoughts that I’d get sucked right back into resuming a relationship that was not working. It usually took a lot of tough love from close friends and family members for me to feel supported enough to walk away. This isn’t necessarily bad. This doesn’t mean I am or was weak. This just means that the symptoms of GAD were so severe that I resorted to coping with it by leaning on family and friends. I will never regret doing this, but I will say that with a lot of work, I have been able to make decisions on my own and self soothe effectively.
  3. My self-soothing skills were nonexistent. I had no idea what to do with intrusive thoughts or negative emotions that popped into my brain. I had no idea how to channel negativity. Instead, I poured my efforts into my relationships or codependent friendships. People-pleasing is something I have struggled with since childhood. Because people-pleasing is so familiar to me, it became a coping mechanism to deal with my negative self-image. “If I can make people around me happy, then I am less worthless than I think I am.” My lack of self-soothing skills is the reason why I had so much trouble dealing with turbulence in previous relationships. I didn’t have healthy ways to make myself feel better.

It became abundantly clear to me that a lot of codependent habits I had was a reflection of my relationship with myself and my anxiety. I viewed Anxiety as a monster I needed to run away from. I viewed my negative thoughts as flaws that plagued me. The distraction and comfort of having a person, any person, at my side to comfort me, to divide my attention to was “easier” than dealing with the constant feeling of self-doubt and panic.

Am I all better? Am I a recovered toxic codependent partner? No. I struggle with codependent behavior patterns all the time. In my current relationship, I am continuing to work on effective and productive conflict resolution, trust, and maintaining personal space. I am more purposeful and aware of my tendencies and am able to recognize how my reaction to cognitive distortions affect my relationship with myself and others. However, one major difference between past me and present me is that I now have a relationship with myself.

I am able to rely on myself for comfort and friendship. I am able to embrace my own company and truly make the most out of introspective reflection. I no longer approach myself with fear. Instead, I approach myself with curiosity and understanding. Wanting to understand why I do the things I do was key.

For anyone that is or has struggled with codependency, remember that you are not responsible for how the other person was in your relationship/friendship. You are only responsible for you and your actions. Take time to look at your own actions without judgement, and hopefully you’ll find avenues of growth through that.

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What Happens When You Stop Struggling?

TW: Topics related to eating disorders and suicidal ideation.

I am trying to ride this wave of productivity by building up a queue of posts that I can put up on a regular basis! This is how real bloggers do it right? What started as something therapeutic for me has turned into something that friends, acquaintances, and strangers have told me is helpful! Thank you, all, for your encouragement and for spending time here.

What happens when you stop struggling? – This is a question I never would have dreamed of asking a year ago. I was at a point where struggling was something I had been doing for years… a decade even. What does it feel like to not be gasping for air? What does it feel like to not be treading water in the deep end? I had no idea.

Step by step, and with a lot of intention, I have found myself pausing and realizing that I wasn’t hanging onto the edge anymore. I was no longer stuck in survival mode. It was a long and laborious process, but here I was. This post isn’t about getting there. This post is about staying there.

Just because you aren’t struggling doesn’t mean it is easy… or even easier than before. Maintaining this state of mind requires a lot of intention. After a decade or more of struggling, I found myself falling into old patterns. The first pattern being doing the bare minimum to keep myself alive. Those that are close to me know that I have a complicated relationship with food. Aside from the allergies I have with nuts and various fruit, I have a tendency to avoid eating unless I feel like I “deserve” it. During really tough mental health days, I would reward myself with the most decadent and unhealthy of foods for getting through the day. It was something that my therapist had suggested I do in order to help with my tendency to punish myself by abstaining from eating. Because things weren’t too hard anymore, I found myself neglecting food because I didn’t feel that I “worked” enough to deserve it. I wasn’t hanging on for dear life and fighting the mind demons, so I wasn’t working hard enough to deserve food. When I realized what was happening, I had to focus on detaching basic nourishment from my rewards system.

Also, bad days can feel like a major failure. Once you realize you aren’t in survival mode anymore, it’s absolutely liberating. You notice that you’re coping with negative emotions much easier, and that intrusive thoughts aren’t so intrusive anymore. I noticed it and I felt awesome. Therapy was working! I learned so many awesome skills that I was no longer just surviving, but thriving. Then I woke up one morning and that familiar feeling of existential dread was creeping in. I was so familiar with that annoying little thought that said, “No one would really care if you disappeared today,” that I began to believe that all of the work was for naught. It’s an awful feeling of failure and I tried my best to hide it. Of course, that only imploded on itself at a fraction of the time it took for me to crack the first time. I realized that was progress in itself. How many years did I spend faking it? 11? How bad was it when I finally cracked? It took me a few weeks to crack and I felt better immediately. I knew this then, but it’s so easy to forget that progress isn’t linear.

Derealization is not exclusive to a very poor mind state. I have discussed Depersonalization/Derealization a bit in this very old post, and I intend to touch on it again, but it does not go away. Despite it being a coping mechanism for me during very low moods and mental states, it continues to be something that I battle on a day to day basis. Depersonalization still requires purposeful and proactive action in order to stay grounded. This means that I pause for breathing every day during breaks in my work day. This means that I take extra moments on my dog walks to check in with my five senses. This also means that I have to make the conscious effort to engage in yoga practice. This discovery was disheartening, but learning to live with it has been quite meaningful.

So, I guess these were just a few thoughts/discoveries I had once I realized I wasn’t on the struggle bus anymore. The takeaway lesson I have learned thus far: Be gentle with yourself, and choose yourself everyday even if you don’t feel like it will make a difference, because it does!

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Relationship Myths

Switching gears over here and taking a look at romantic relationships. Instagram-Land has so many interesting little tidbits/infographics that “promote” the “ideal” relationship. I can’t help but notice how many of these pieces of “advice” are so terribly misinformed and one-sided. Is this what people are expecting out of a relationship?

“Never go to bed angry” is the number one myth that I have seen floating around Instagram… and also have had it suggested to me. On the surface this seems like it’s promoting problem solving and conflict resolution. In practice, however, what ends up happening is frustrating miscommunication due to lack of sleep. I learned this the hard way in my past relationships. We would go in circles, deep into the night and never resolve anything. You can’t problem solve when your head isn’t thinking clearly. Bottom line: If you’re pissed at your SO, and it’s bedtime, then GO TO BED. Try saying something like, “It’s late and we’re both tired. Let’s figure this out together when we both are well-rested. I’m not brushing this off. I just want us to be in the best headspace to tackle this problem.” If there’s pushback… remember that the other person may be reacting as a response to prior trauma.

“A good partner will love you unconditionally” is perhaps one of the most toxic and harmful ideas that people have of romantic relationships. Unconditional means that there are no conditions/requirements that need to be met in order to receive love. This is what parental relationships to children should be (and, of course, are not always in practice). This is horrible for romantic relationships and platonic relationships. If your needs are continually not being met and you are not being respected as an individual, you owe your partner or friend nothing. You do not have to maintain a romantic relationship with a person that does not put in the effort for you. Bottom line: Adult relationships are and should always be conditional. You love and respect your partner on the condition that they love and respect you in a way that meets your needs. If they do not, or you do not meet theirs, both you and your partner have every right to leave the relationship.

“Happy couples do not fight” Is probably a no brainer and more commonly accepted as false, but you’d be surprised by how much judgement I’ve seen people pass when people talk about arguing or fighting with a significant other. I do take issue with the word “fight.” Fighting implies an intent to attack another person, physical or verbal. Fighting is not healthy. When a person sets out to attack their partner or to prove their partner is “wrong,” then the motivation of the debate is unhealthy. However, it is always healthy and encouraged to discuss and debate differences in opinions. This is healthy communication. Bottom line: Be diplomatic with your partner and always respect that they are a human being that has opinions and beliefs that may not be 100% in line with yours. This is OK and to be expected!

“If my partner loves me, they will know what I want and need” Is one of the #1 ways to set yourself up for disappointment. No matter how well-studied you are in psychology, body language, and interpersonal relationships… you cannot read minds. Your partner cannot read your mind either. Bottom line: If you need something out of a relationship, tell your partner. Better to be clear with your needs than to be frustrated with not getting your needs met because there is no such thing as a mind reader.

“Once you find ‘the One,’ you’ll have found your happily ever after.” Perpetuated by film, literature, and social media, finding ‘the One’ solves almost zero problems. In fact, it may bring up some unhealed trauma and attachment issues that require hard work on your part. Being in a committed relationship means you are constantly making a choice and putting in effort to hold up your end of the conditional relationship (see first myth). Shit doesn’t just fall in to place when you find someone you are compatible with. Being with the right person doesn’t mean that it’s “easy.” Bottom line: It still takes work, no matter how healthy and fulfilling a relationship is. When something involves another human being with their own set of emotions and experiences, it will always require work.

Don’t forget that it’s also 1000% OK to not have any desire to deal with any of this mess. At the end of the day, your relationship with yourself is the most important 🙂

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Relationship Anxiety

As I’m going through this period of self-reflection and rest before my new contract starts up, I am realizing that I have very specific triggers to my anxiety. One of them is relationships. It doesn’t have to be romantic relationships that get me feeling this way. It could be platonic relationships and even familial relationships. The idea that someone may be unhappy with me, really gets the nerves going.

More specifically, if I’m going to talk about one type of relationship that notoriously gets me anxious, it would be romantic relationships. There always comes a point in time in my relationships when I start to get either justifiably or unjustifiably anxious about what my partner really wants from me. I either get more clingy and anxious or cold and distant. I’m not sure what triggers which response, but I’ve definitely gone to both extremes in moments of uncertainty. I could be going through all of this unbeknownst to my partner, or it could be glaringly obvious.

Obviously, neither response is healthy for the relationship. But I have experienced disconnect and eventually a dissolution of the relationship from these responses, which I now understand to be ways that I cope with anxieties and uncertainties in my relationships.

One of the most helpful things I’ve learned in therapy is to question my negative thought loops. I’m not an expert, and I am by no means a love doctor, but here are a few questions I ask myself when I feel myself panicking and pulling away from my partner or getting crazy clingy.

“What specific action has my partner done that warrants this reaction? Often times I find that it’s something as simple as, “He hasn’t answered my texts all day today.” In today’s age, texting has become an important way to maintain communication, and unusual disruptions in any schedule or pattern you’ve developed can cause anxiety. But if you’re finding yourself thinking, “OK, well I guess I’ll pull away too,” then you may be reacting to this change by closing yourself off in order to protect yourself. Perhaps this is something you brought from a previous relationship, and it’s baggage you need to sort through. This brings up the next question…

Has my current partner behaved in a way that brings up past baggage? The answer may be “Yes.” Your partner may have a pattern of withholding or becoming “hot and cold” and it’s something that is triggering baggage from your past. In this case, a conversation about this behavior should be had. Understanding why your partner does this, and perhaps helping your partner sort through their own baggage could help you both grow as a couple.
“Hold on, but what if the answer is ‘no?'” Well, if your partner hasn’t behaved in a way that causes real concern, then this is likely a thought pattern that you have developed in order to protect yourself from hurt and disappointment with a previous partner. This is also known as baggage and is separate from your current partner.

Does pulling away/being clingy make me feel better about myself? This is usually the questions I ask myself that kind of brings me into understanding. Does the action that I am planning on executing to alleviate my anxiety help me feel good about myself? Perhaps pulling away makes you feel like you are “powerful” and “strong,” but does withholding yourself make you feel good individually and in this relationship? Probably not. Withholding emotion and information usually ends up breaking down communication and understanding. Being clingy often breaks down your self-esteem and fills you with regret.

So now that I understand my relationship anxiety as a product of my baggage, how do I make it “stop?” Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop. You only get better at questioning your negative thought patterns. By reasoning with your anxiety and bringing in logic, you can slowly develop good habits to combat the anxiety until it becomes a passing thought that you easily let go of as quick as it came in.

I remember a time when my anxiety surrounding my relationship was so intense that I was not able to function outside of my intrusive thoughts and fears. I would compulsively cling on to my partner or punish myself by withholding affection and disconnecting from them for days, weeks, and, one time, a month. When the anxious thoughts surrounding my relationship were too much, I did some of these things:

  1. Journal – I am a huge fan of handwriting my thoughts. Being able to see them on paper was a way for me to release the negative thought loops from my brain. Often times it was cathartic for me to just read and re-read the worries and thoughts that I had. Sometimes, after a few reads, I realize that my worry is not based on facts or action, but on a fear of abandonment or rejection.
  2. Postponement of Worry – There was a time when I scheduled a time to worry about things in general. This included my relationship. When a worry/negative thought popped into my head, I would jot it down on a notepad or in the memo app on my phone. I set an alarm every night for after work, and I would work through each worry. More often than not, giving the worry time without rumination helped make the worry either less of a worry or a non-worry. I also had a friend that did the same activity with me and we shared our worries together. It was encouraging to have a friend to keep me accountable for postponing, and it was great for me to hear feedback from my friend on how to deal with the worry.
  3. Leaves on a Stream – In 2019, my therapist introduced me to this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy method. I now find myself being able to go through this process without the “Leaves on a Stream” guide, but the guide was absolutely necessary in my worst throes of anxiety. Leaves on a Stream teaches you to acknowledge, accept, and embrace thoughts and feelings without judgement through mindfulness. Honestly, being able to accept some of the most negative and nastiest of thoughts without beating myself up over them and feeling guilty about them is a powerful way to regain control over your anxiety. Here’s a video that helped me through this exercise:

I still experience anxiety triggered by relationships on a day-to-day basis, but thanks to some of these techniques, I have really been able to take back control over my life in the last year. I hope that some of these things can help those of us that are a bit spooked by being with other people.

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