Tag: reflection

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Gratitude – Part One

‘Tis the season to think about what you’re grateful for!

Of course, Thanksgiving isn’t the only time you should be grateful for what you have in life. However, I realized that I haven’t really written about gratitude in 2 years. So much has changed since the last Thankfulness and Gratitude post. Well, mainly the fur family, significant other, and job. Today, my focus is on how grateful I am that those things have changed.

My fur family saw a major change last year when I welcomed Butterscotch to the family. He is my first and only cat. He is my biggest foster fail. He is the perfect addition to our little family. Butterscotch popped into my life during a time of hardship. It was the beginning of the pandemic 2020, and I had just called it quits with my then-boyfriend. I honestly felt like my world had been turned upside and that shit was the lowest it will ever get. What I didn’t know, was that this was about to turn into one of the best years of my life. It all started with Butterscotch.

He was a dirty little thing, and so needy. I was lucky that my boss, at the time, loves cats and she allowed me to have him in his carrier at my feet while I taught online. He had a kitty cold and needed a lot of TLC before he could go to a forever family. I was intent on finding him one. The pandemic made it hard, but I had friends back home that were so interested in adding him to their family. I got on a waitlist for flights heading to Chicago, and got estimates for him to fly.

Despite the promising forever home, I just couldn’t let him go. I was overly protective of him and nothing felt quite right if he wasn’t at home with us. So, after a few foster homes… and friends of mine running away screaming (he’s a bit of a troublemaker), he ended up in my home again in September of 2020. This time, it was for good.

I had to break it to the potential adopters that I wouldn’t be sending him over. I felt horrible, but I would have felt worse if I had taken him away from Misha and Dobby. They were attached. We moved houses quite a few times in this last year, but he has adjusted well each time. I’m so grateful I stumbled on him last year. I can’t imagine what my little family would be like without him.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, adding him to my life was the start of one of the best years I have had in a long time.

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The Conundrum of Burn Out From a Job You Love

Growing up, you are always encouraged to do something that you love. “If you do you what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.” I truly believed this when I entered the mental health and social services field at age 22. I loved the idea of helping people and learning about their stories. I loved watching clients and families that I worked with make progress. I loved it so much I was putting in 50+ hours a week.

Needless to say, at age 23, I was pretty done with social services. I thought, “I must not love this enough” and I moved on. As I realized that the nature of this work was not for me (and I was 100% right), I decided to “take a year off” and teach abroad. After all, I knew plenty of university friends that went down that path upon graduation and they seem happy and well adjusted. I took a year to go through a graduate TEFL program and do some volunteer ESL teaching in my community before I got on a plane on October 31st, 2014 for South Korea.

I really only intended for it to be a year, and I made a solid attempt to re-integrate myself back into life in the United States in 2017. Every single day I spent behind my fancy new corporate job desk, I thought about my students in Korea. It wasn’t long until I ended up with a new contract in hand and heading back to the city I started in back in 2014.

I haven’t looked back, but that isn’t to say that I haven’t been burnt out in this job that I do feel is the job I love. Burn out happens and is normal. It really doesn’t mean that I need to reconsider all of my life decisions and pick myself back up and move again.

I have realized that I must view my job as what it is. It’s a job. It is work. It is not my life. To reduce myself to the identity I take on at work, Teacher, is to take energy away from all of the other identities I have. I am first and foremost, me. I am not just a tool for the corporate machine (and in my particular position as a teacher in a private academy, I accept that my services are used for profit). I must give equal energy and attention to taking care of all aspects of me. In order to work through burn out, remember that you are not just what your job title is. You’re an amazing human being with people that love you. The best parts of your life are spent away from your work environment.

Work-life balance is extremely important. As a teacher, it is so easy to bring work home. Getting behind on grading? Bring it home! Need to write student reports? Bring it home! It took me a long time to learn not to do this. Maximize your time in your work space and finish those tasks during the time you have allotted for work. Does this mean that I give up scrolling on my phone during a down period? Yep. Because my home is a sacred space where I am no longer “Teacher.” Unfortunately, for many people this can be impossible. In this case, designate a physical space in your home to work on work stuff. Keeping it confined to a space will keep your private space sacred.

Use weekends & holidays to properly rest. Rest can look like a lot of different things. Whether it be sleeping in, going for a hike, taking a weekend trip to getaway, or just getting things done around the house, it is important to take a step away from work and rest. This means turning off notifications for work e-mails. Prioritize your tasks and complete them before periods of rest. Leave your work at work and fully embrace your holiday.

Reorganize your workspace. I honestly do not believe that humans are designed to thrive in a constant. Take some time to change things up a little bit in your workspace. It could be as simple as adding a fun decorative piece to your desk or putting in an organizer in the drawer. It could even be something as big as a change in wardrobe for work! Bringing a bit of change periodically can help keep you excited about the little things in your job.

Make sure you are unwinding after a day at work. Nothing is worse than feeling riled up hours after the work day has ended. One of the ways that I keep things separate at home and at work is having an unwinding routine. My routine entails getting out of my work clothing immediately. I take off my work clothes and put on my “home” clothes. I then settle down with a quick light dinner and a cup of tea. a wind down routine helps the brain disengage from work and give yourself real “me” time.

There is a difference between being burnt out from a job that no longer serves you, and simply being burnt out from an unhealthy balance between work and life despite trying to put in plenty of boundaries and balance, it may be time to reconsider your job or workplace.

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Too Much to Look Forward To

I never thought I’d be complaining about having way too much to look forward to. During 2019 and 2020, I was constantly working with having nothing to look forward to. I felt trapped in pattern of constant grind. I was treading water with my head barely above the surface.

I’m so happy and grateful to say that with the end of 2021 drawing near, I have a plethora of things to look forward to in these last few months and the beginning of 2022.

However… this has really triggered a bad case of anticipatory anxiety. No. This is not some new anxiety disorder. It is simply a common symptom of my Generalized Anxiety Disorder diagnosis. The main trigger of my anticipatory anxiety is the fear I have of the worst case scenario.

Many sufferers of GAD have trouble “turning off” their brain. I’ve been told that I have a vivid imagination, and a knack for imagining the worst of any scenario. It’s frustrating and terrifying to frequently be jumping to terrifying conclusions about the future. Here are some things that have helped me cope with my brain running off to “What If Land.”

  1. Talk it out with someone. I am so lucky to have friends and a partner that are able to objectively look at some of my thoughts and fears and gently help me through them. Sometimes, just saying the fear or distortion out loud is enough for us to recognize the flaws in logic that the anxiety disorder is creating. Having a trusted and level-headed confidant listen and help you through the logic can be even better.
  2. Work through your cognitive distortions. Often times, anxiety is convincing us of a very unrealistic or unlikely worst-case scenario. By simply asking, “How likely is this to happen?” we are able to start sorting through the distortion and give ourselves a more objective lens to look through the thoughts. This doesn’t just work for anticipatory anxiety, and is a great CBD method that I learned through therapy.
  3. Take a breath. Sometimes, our brains get a little too loud. Take a deep breath. Inhale for 5 counts, hold for 5 counts, and exhale for 5 counts. Repeat. Grounding does wonders to calm that inner dialogue and helps you focus on you and your body. I practice deep breathing several times a day as a habitual self-check. Obviously it doesn’t solve the problem, but it’s important to check in and recalibrate periodically.
  4. Take care of your body. This seems like a no-brainer, but anxiety can make it easy for a person to forget meals, skip out on sleep, and skip out on showering and exercise. Sleeping and eating properly is very important for our brains to keep our moods and emotions in check. When I get spikes of “doomsday” thought patterns or anxiety attacks, my partner has a habit of asking me, “How does your stomach feel? Are you hungry?” It seems silly, but my anxiety symptoms and my gut are very connected. A hungry stomach means that my brain starts thinking about survival and keys into the fight or flight mechanism.

So, yes. I’m very excited for what the coming months have in store. I’m terrified that everything is going to fall apart somehow. Sometimes, I wake up terrified of what the future will bring. This is all familiar territory and it sometimes feels like I really haven’t “gotten any better.” But I remind myself that the last time I felt this scared, I was ready to run away. I was ready to quit. This time, I’m scared but I still choose to get up every day and take on those fears. I still find things to be excited about. That is progress.

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Trauma Bonds – Why We Stay

When a third party is looking into a dysfunctional relationship, it can be easy to pick out what the problem is and to come to the conclusion that the “abused” should just leave. “There wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t in this crappy relationship.”

What exactly keeps people hooked onto an abusive relationship? Trauma bonds.

Trauma bonds have very real psychological and physiological effects on a person. These bonds create a codependent relationship in which the narcissistic abuser thrives off of the rewards of exerting control over their partner and the victim becomes hooked onto the rewards that happen after the turbulent punishment.

What is a trauma bond? It is a bond in which turbulent and hurtful periods are followed by extreme affection. This is a punishment and reward system that conditions the victim into becoming dependent upon the showering of affection that follows mistreatment.

One of the key characteristics of an abusive relationship is its cyclical nature. The narcissistic abuser inflicts trauma onto the victim in order to build them up again. These relationships are notoriously hard for people to get out of. It has taken me over a year and a half of self-reflection and therapy to realize that I was stuck in a relationship that was built off of trauma bonding.

So… why did I stay? Simply put, I was in a mental state that was vulnerable to getting caught in a trauma bond cycle. I didn’t have much confidence in myself and I didn’t feel great being alone either. It was the natural desire for companionship and love that kept me stuck in the low-lows and the dramatic highs. I thought to myself, “Well, the lows aren’t too bad compared with the love and affection I am shown once the drama is over.”

I have realized with healing and exposure to a healthy relationship that no fight with your significant other should ever feel like your entire world is being ripped to shreds. If someone can be in conflict with you so much that you feel like your world is being destroyed, that person does not care about your mental stability.

I have tried to explain away the cycles and I have tried to look deeply into what I did to contribute to this dynamic. They always say that it takes two to make or break a relationship. I searched, long and hard, for what I did to bring this upon myself. What did I do to get myself into such a dramatic and turbulent relationship? I convinced myself into believing that if I was different, or better, then the lows would stop. I put it on my own mental health issues and my anxiety disorder. I told myself, “All of this is happening because you can’t get your anxiety and depression under control. You are causing him to get short with you because you are anxious.” I blamed myself again and again. I apologized for being ill. The biggest thing I contributed to this dysfunctional relationship was putting the fault and blame in me and making myself responsible for “fixing” the relationship.

I still remember the first time I had an anxiety attack with my current partner. We were sitting in the car and I was frozen. I didn’t know what was wrong, but something was making me freeze up. I couldn’t figure out what triggered the anxiety. My partner looked at me and said, “Is everything okay? Do you need me to leave?” My anxiety began to heighten as I began to feel the familiar pressure of needing to explain myself and justify my anxiety or else he’ll leave. I needed to make sure that what I was feeling was “valid.” Was I “overreacting over nothing?” It must have been very apparent that I was freaking out internally, because what my partner said to me next was what I realized that I had needed all along. He said, “I don’t need to leave either, we can just sit together until your feelings pass. We have time.”

I remember sputtering and trying to justify why I was feeling this way. He laughed and said, “Sometimes, a lot of things can make you feel anxious. You don’t need to stress yourself out and figure out why right now. We can relax and just let this pass.” I was allowed to just work it out without him getting upset that I was not telling him everything. It was OK for me to just be anxious.

So why did I stay in this toxic relationship? Because I learned, through life, that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions were not right if they weren’t positive. I learned that I deserved the frustration and anger if I wasn’t able to back up my feelings because it inconvenienced the other person.

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My Shitty Relationship with Body Weight

Over the last three years, I have become very avoidant in having full body photos taken. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, and purposefully do not own a full length mirror. For a long time, the image of my body disgusted me. At times, it still does.

As a teen, I struggled with my body image and weight. Looking back on photos of high school me, I cognitively understand that I would be perceived as “tiny” by most of my peers. I stood 5’4″ and 115 pounds, but I was miserable. I came from a family and ethnic background where the women weighed in at 100 pounds until their mid or late 20s. Family members always had something to say about a girl’s body, especially mine. I was taller, built a bit more muscular, heavier, and still growing. The people I was surrounded with and media were really not helping me form healthy viewpoints of my body. I already had a lot of internalized self loathing at a young age.

Once I reached university, my mental health began to slip. As one life-changing event happened after another, my relationship with food and my body began to morph. I found that I could easily gain a sense of control by controlling whether or not I would eat food. Skipping meals and calorie counting was an obsession I kept under wraps. Finally, at the end of university, I hit an all-time low… and an all-time high for my weight.

I was in a co-dependent relationship with a person that did not particularly care for his health. Meals were “important” to him and he loved to indulge in food that I wasn’t used to eating much of. Paired with a generally sedentary lifestyle, both he and I gained weight. It wasn’t until I made the decision to take some time to work in Korea, was I able to work on my health, both physical and mental.

I was brought backwards when I started this blog at the beginning of my mental health journey. Overeating and overindulging became my way to cope with negative emotions. Depression symptoms were so exhausting that I couldn’t find it in me to get any exercise. This leads to more self-hate and less motivation to do anything about it.

I’m currently still on a journey with my body weight and the way I look. I have learned a lot about accepting my body the way it is but also encouraging myself to maintain healthy habits and work toward fitness. There are days where I still can’t look at photos of myself, but the motivation’s there. I am committed to being happy and healthy in my skin.

Some things that I have learned to do:

  • Be less concerned about the numbers. Whether it be on the scales or how much you can lift.
  • Focus on how you feel. It’s not worth it if you’re dieting and exercising but your body feels like it’s about to break down.
  • Remember: You are beautiful no matter what shape you’re in. Embrace the body you have now and care for it. With time, it will become the body you need it to be.

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Things No One Tells You

Some things I didn’t realize were part of my mental illness

When I first began to give some form of acknowledgement of my mental health issues in my mid-20s, I was a very different person. I thought that I was very self-aware and that I was properly dealing with my emotions and struggles. I thought that if I acknowledge that they were there and I “figured out” why I had these problems, then I’d be set. I was so very wrong. Acknowledging your issues and having self-awareness is only about 30% of the battle.

No one told me that I would have to take ownership and responsibility even when my mental illness was not necessarily my fault. Fault and responsibility, I learned, are two different things. I also had a skewed belief that many of my issues stemmed from external experiences and that once I “discovered” those, I’d somehow be cured. I learned, half a decade later, that the real healing comes from recognition of my part of the disordered thinking and behaviors. While I can’t just “choose happy,” I can choose to own my feelings. I can choose to be responsible for how I react in situations.

I didn’t realize that not being able to cry was worse than crying all the time. Rather than define depression as just being sad all the time, I would define it as a general low and apathetic mood that can lead to despair. During the worst of my depressive episodes, I would wish for tears. I would wish to feel something other than the desire to be nothing. I never would have thought that I would find relief in crying while in a bout of depression.

I also wasn’t expecting the memory loss I would experience. As my depression worsened, my dependency on the Calendar app on my phone increased. I would forget the day of the week, deadlines, and other important details that I normally would never miss. Eventually, whole days would pass by without me being able to remember any notable event. Being on autopilot was the default.

I also, sadly, learned that my tolerance for abuse increased the lower I felt. The more worthless I felt, the more mistreatment I allowed in my life. I suppose it makes a lot of sense, but I wasn’t prepared to look back and realize that I stayed in abusive situations because I did not have the willpower in me to make my life feel better.

You’ll hear people say that mental health is physical health, but I fully realized how important it was to take care of my mind. Having anxiety was one of the most physically taxing things to deal with. During the times when I had anxiety attacks daily, I would be left with the physical exhaustion the entire rest of the day. It doesn’t go away with a good night’s rest. Sleeping doesn’t actually bring any relief. Eventually, your body goes down from the common cold. I spent almost two years not knowing what it felt like to be without pain or illness. I didn’t remember what it was like to be healthy until earlier this year.

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The Insecurity in Codependency

A few weeks ago I came across a post on Instagram about this topic, and I have been doing a lot of soul searching and research since.

Often times, we attribute codependent relationships to an unhealthy dynamic with a partner. This puts a lot of focus on the partner or friend that you are in a codependent relationship with. There is some merit to this, as it takes a certain kind of reaction and personality to create an unhelpfully codependent relationship. However, I realize that when I started to do work with myself, the need for the codependent relationships fell away.

I’ll briefly, and vaguely, start with my history of codependent relationships. Since early adulthood/late teens, I have been in romantic relationships that were very long term. My first serious relationship dragged on for four years. During year number two, I realized that being with this person was not great for me or him. We did the on again off again thing mainly because I (maybe even we, but I can’t speak for him) were terrified of what it meant to be without a partner. Not long after that relationship ended, I was in a relationship that 5 years long. It ended when I realized that it wasn’t the person that I was in the relationship for, it was the security of having a significant other that kept me there. Yikes, right? You’d think I had learned my lesson… but I didn’t.

I hopped into another relationship in which I developed severely codependent habits. If you’ve been following along for a while, you may recall mention of this relationship. Now, it was, for the most part, a great relationship in terms of personal growth. I learned so much about myself during the (comparatively) brief time I spent with my former partner. The greatest lesson being how the major theme in all of my relationships is that there were severely codependent habits that I developed during them. I was part of the problem.

I needed to step back and take a good, hard look at how I contributed to the problems in my past relationship. I, now, truly believe that it takes two people to fuck up a relationship. We can spend our time hating our exes. We can also spend time hating ourselves. Neither are productive. I chose to spend time getting to know myself in the hopes of never having to work through the same issues that caused me stress and trauma in previous relationships. Here are some things I realized about my codependent habits.

  1. I always needed someone. It didn’t matter if they were a friend or a significant other. I always had someone. Between relationships, I would lean heavily on my friends and my siblings to fill up my time. There was a period of time where I wouldn’t go anywhere without my sister. I did not realize that this was a symptom of my social anxiety. I hated being in public. I hated being with strangers and being with someone that I was close to helped me cope with this. It became a necessity.
  2. I only felt safe leaving a romantic relationship that was not healthy if I was fully surrounded and supported by friends. I never felt “strong enough” to walk away from dysfunctional relationships. On again off again, I’d feel so lost and tormented dealing with my own intrusive thoughts that I’d get sucked right back into resuming a relationship that was not working. It usually took a lot of tough love from close friends and family members for me to feel supported enough to walk away. This isn’t necessarily bad. This doesn’t mean I am or was weak. This just means that the symptoms of GAD were so severe that I resorted to coping with it by leaning on family and friends. I will never regret doing this, but I will say that with a lot of work, I have been able to make decisions on my own and self soothe effectively.
  3. My self-soothing skills were nonexistent. I had no idea what to do with intrusive thoughts or negative emotions that popped into my brain. I had no idea how to channel negativity. Instead, I poured my efforts into my relationships or codependent friendships. People-pleasing is something I have struggled with since childhood. Because people-pleasing is so familiar to me, it became a coping mechanism to deal with my negative self-image. “If I can make people around me happy, then I am less worthless than I think I am.” My lack of self-soothing skills is the reason why I had so much trouble dealing with turbulence in previous relationships. I didn’t have healthy ways to make myself feel better.

It became abundantly clear to me that a lot of codependent habits I had was a reflection of my relationship with myself and my anxiety. I viewed Anxiety as a monster I needed to run away from. I viewed my negative thoughts as flaws that plagued me. The distraction and comfort of having a person, any person, at my side to comfort me, to divide my attention to was “easier” than dealing with the constant feeling of self-doubt and panic.

Am I all better? Am I a recovered toxic codependent partner? No. I struggle with codependent behavior patterns all the time. In my current relationship, I am continuing to work on effective and productive conflict resolution, trust, and maintaining personal space. I am more purposeful and aware of my tendencies and am able to recognize how my reaction to cognitive distortions affect my relationship with myself and others. However, one major difference between past me and present me is that I now have a relationship with myself.

I am able to rely on myself for comfort and friendship. I am able to embrace my own company and truly make the most out of introspective reflection. I no longer approach myself with fear. Instead, I approach myself with curiosity and understanding. Wanting to understand why I do the things I do was key.

For anyone that is or has struggled with codependency, remember that you are not responsible for how the other person was in your relationship/friendship. You are only responsible for you and your actions. Take time to look at your own actions without judgement, and hopefully you’ll find avenues of growth through that.

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What Happens When You Stop Struggling?

TW: Topics related to eating disorders and suicidal ideation.

I am trying to ride this wave of productivity by building up a queue of posts that I can put up on a regular basis! This is how real bloggers do it right? What started as something therapeutic for me has turned into something that friends, acquaintances, and strangers have told me is helpful! Thank you, all, for your encouragement and for spending time here.

What happens when you stop struggling? – This is a question I never would have dreamed of asking a year ago. I was at a point where struggling was something I had been doing for years… a decade even. What does it feel like to not be gasping for air? What does it feel like to not be treading water in the deep end? I had no idea.

Step by step, and with a lot of intention, I have found myself pausing and realizing that I wasn’t hanging onto the edge anymore. I was no longer stuck in survival mode. It was a long and laborious process, but here I was. This post isn’t about getting there. This post is about staying there.

Just because you aren’t struggling doesn’t mean it is easy… or even easier than before. Maintaining this state of mind requires a lot of intention. After a decade or more of struggling, I found myself falling into old patterns. The first pattern being doing the bare minimum to keep myself alive. Those that are close to me know that I have a complicated relationship with food. Aside from the allergies I have with nuts and various fruit, I have a tendency to avoid eating unless I feel like I “deserve” it. During really tough mental health days, I would reward myself with the most decadent and unhealthy of foods for getting through the day. It was something that my therapist had suggested I do in order to help with my tendency to punish myself by abstaining from eating. Because things weren’t too hard anymore, I found myself neglecting food because I didn’t feel that I “worked” enough to deserve it. I wasn’t hanging on for dear life and fighting the mind demons, so I wasn’t working hard enough to deserve food. When I realized what was happening, I had to focus on detaching basic nourishment from my rewards system.

Also, bad days can feel like a major failure. Once you realize you aren’t in survival mode anymore, it’s absolutely liberating. You notice that you’re coping with negative emotions much easier, and that intrusive thoughts aren’t so intrusive anymore. I noticed it and I felt awesome. Therapy was working! I learned so many awesome skills that I was no longer just surviving, but thriving. Then I woke up one morning and that familiar feeling of existential dread was creeping in. I was so familiar with that annoying little thought that said, “No one would really care if you disappeared today,” that I began to believe that all of the work was for naught. It’s an awful feeling of failure and I tried my best to hide it. Of course, that only imploded on itself at a fraction of the time it took for me to crack the first time. I realized that was progress in itself. How many years did I spend faking it? 11? How bad was it when I finally cracked? It took me a few weeks to crack and I felt better immediately. I knew this then, but it’s so easy to forget that progress isn’t linear.

Derealization is not exclusive to a very poor mind state. I have discussed Depersonalization/Derealization a bit in this very old post, and I intend to touch on it again, but it does not go away. Despite it being a coping mechanism for me during very low moods and mental states, it continues to be something that I battle on a day to day basis. Depersonalization still requires purposeful and proactive action in order to stay grounded. This means that I pause for breathing every day during breaks in my work day. This means that I take extra moments on my dog walks to check in with my five senses. This also means that I have to make the conscious effort to engage in yoga practice. This discovery was disheartening, but learning to live with it has been quite meaningful.

So, I guess these were just a few thoughts/discoveries I had once I realized I wasn’t on the struggle bus anymore. The takeaway lesson I have learned thus far: Be gentle with yourself, and choose yourself everyday even if you don’t feel like it will make a difference, because it does!

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Relationship Myths

Switching gears over here and taking a look at romantic relationships. Instagram-Land has so many interesting little tidbits/infographics that “promote” the “ideal” relationship. I can’t help but notice how many of these pieces of “advice” are so terribly misinformed and one-sided. Is this what people are expecting out of a relationship?

“Never go to bed angry” is the number one myth that I have seen floating around Instagram… and also have had it suggested to me. On the surface this seems like it’s promoting problem solving and conflict resolution. In practice, however, what ends up happening is frustrating miscommunication due to lack of sleep. I learned this the hard way in my past relationships. We would go in circles, deep into the night and never resolve anything. You can’t problem solve when your head isn’t thinking clearly. Bottom line: If you’re pissed at your SO, and it’s bedtime, then GO TO BED. Try saying something like, “It’s late and we’re both tired. Let’s figure this out together when we both are well-rested. I’m not brushing this off. I just want us to be in the best headspace to tackle this problem.” If there’s pushback… remember that the other person may be reacting as a response to prior trauma.

“A good partner will love you unconditionally” is perhaps one of the most toxic and harmful ideas that people have of romantic relationships. Unconditional means that there are no conditions/requirements that need to be met in order to receive love. This is what parental relationships to children should be (and, of course, are not always in practice). This is horrible for romantic relationships and platonic relationships. If your needs are continually not being met and you are not being respected as an individual, you owe your partner or friend nothing. You do not have to maintain a romantic relationship with a person that does not put in the effort for you. Bottom line: Adult relationships are and should always be conditional. You love and respect your partner on the condition that they love and respect you in a way that meets your needs. If they do not, or you do not meet theirs, both you and your partner have every right to leave the relationship.

“Happy couples do not fight” Is probably a no brainer and more commonly accepted as false, but you’d be surprised by how much judgement I’ve seen people pass when people talk about arguing or fighting with a significant other. I do take issue with the word “fight.” Fighting implies an intent to attack another person, physical or verbal. Fighting is not healthy. When a person sets out to attack their partner or to prove their partner is “wrong,” then the motivation of the debate is unhealthy. However, it is always healthy and encouraged to discuss and debate differences in opinions. This is healthy communication. Bottom line: Be diplomatic with your partner and always respect that they are a human being that has opinions and beliefs that may not be 100% in line with yours. This is OK and to be expected!

“If my partner loves me, they will know what I want and need” Is one of the #1 ways to set yourself up for disappointment. No matter how well-studied you are in psychology, body language, and interpersonal relationships… you cannot read minds. Your partner cannot read your mind either. Bottom line: If you need something out of a relationship, tell your partner. Better to be clear with your needs than to be frustrated with not getting your needs met because there is no such thing as a mind reader.

“Once you find ‘the One,’ you’ll have found your happily ever after.” Perpetuated by film, literature, and social media, finding ‘the One’ solves almost zero problems. In fact, it may bring up some unhealed trauma and attachment issues that require hard work on your part. Being in a committed relationship means you are constantly making a choice and putting in effort to hold up your end of the conditional relationship (see first myth). Shit doesn’t just fall in to place when you find someone you are compatible with. Being with the right person doesn’t mean that it’s “easy.” Bottom line: It still takes work, no matter how healthy and fulfilling a relationship is. When something involves another human being with their own set of emotions and experiences, it will always require work.

Don’t forget that it’s also 1000% OK to not have any desire to deal with any of this mess. At the end of the day, your relationship with yourself is the most important 🙂

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How Much is Too Much?

I have been mulling this over and thinking about it a lot. How much do I have to push myself professionally or academically until it is too much? Looking back on a lot of the situations I put myself in, I probably pushed myself past my limits habitually and current me is paying the price. I am paying the price for all of the times I thought “It’s just my mental health… at least I’m not physically sick.”

When Simone Biles pulled out of the all-around gymnastic finals in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, a lot of people started having this conversation. People rallied behind her in support for her brave decision to take care of her mental health. This conversation, though painful for me partake in, was necessary. How many champions have sacrificed every bit of their mental wellbeing and their physical wellbeing in order to bring glory to their country, their family, and their fans? Much of the time, we forget that these decorated athletes and celebrities are people. They have struggles and emotions. They have ups and downs. Yet they are expected to be perfect in the eyes of the world. Every move of theirs is measured and judged. No respect or understanding given.

It got me thinking about some of the decisions I have made that have been unhealthy (to say the least). It’s stuff that I didn’t realize until over half a year and lots of personal distance. My previous job was toxic beyond belief.

I have been reserving myself from writing much about it. I have deleted and re-written dozens of versions of this post, because I still feel a bit of emotional attachment to the time I spent there. I mean… after all, I spent over 4 years emotionally invested in the success of my old workplace.

TW: Mentions of suicide and suicidal ideations

For context, I worked at a private English academy that focused on test prep. It is a competitive environment and teachers are expected to deliver results. I can proudly say that, over the years, I delivered decent results and have tried my hand in curriculum development, staff management, and immersion camp organization. I will always cherish the skills I gained there. I learned to be a competent instructor despite how… non-educational much of the environment at this academy was.

My academy was understanding of the the difficulties I experienced during 2019-2020. I was struggling with severe depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I was given a week of paid sick leave and lots of encouragement to be better by upper management. When I returned from sick leave, I was met by coworkers that felt I was being irresponsible. No one ever said it to my face, but I learned later that it was said behind my back. I guess, perhaps, I should have explained that I was driven to the brink of suicide. I, perhaps, should have mentioned that I was hospitalized at one point so that I could get proper rest since my anxiety would wake me up hourly with panic attacks. But I know that, in reality, I really shouldn’t have to explain all of that to people to get them to take mental health seriously.

I was so well supported by the management staff at my academy that I felt I owed it to them to “stick it out.” The environment was toxic. Despite having a great group of friends, the toxic ones were enough. My expectations at this job were as follows:

I teach unless I’m ready to drop dead. Some of my colleagues would proudly proclaim never having taken a sick day. They work through their physical ailments and definitely power through the mental ones. Taking my mental breakdown sick leave showed everyone that I “couldn’t even handle a bit of emotional hardship.” I realized that it wasn’t just emotional hardship I was experiencing. I, quite literally, experienced kidney failure due to my body’s inability to properly process antibiotics that were being used to treat a kidney infection. On top of that, this expectation of powering through physical illness meant that I did not rest more than a regular night’s sleep before teaching full 3 hour courses 2-3 times a day. Eventually, my kidneys experienced infection so many times in 2019-2020, that it was just a regular occurrence for me to have flank pain and lingering fatigue.

Shouting at each other was how things got done. This is definitely something that was limited to a few colleagues. As a person with anxiety and a deep dislike for confrontation, I could not handle the shouting and verbal abuse. It was my first sign that something was horribly wrong with the dynamic at this workplace. I would shut down, get defensive, and snarky. It wasn’t pretty and I learned really toxic communication habits that I painfully unlearned through thousands spent on therapy.

5 days of paid vacation was more than enough at this company. For years, we were not granted national holidays unless it was Chuseok or Lunar New Year. We then maybe got to go on our 5 days of paid vacation that are randomly placed during times that every other colleague or academy teacher would be working. On top of that, summer and winter holidays were a no-go because we would be doubling down on work during those seasons. Last week, I experienced my first summer vacation while working in Korea. It was 5 full days, no weekend make-up lessons, no conditions of coming back to make up your classes on the weekends preceding and following the vacation week. It was blissful. It was restful. It was much needed. I apparently get two of these a year plus all national holidays. So we’re already more than double the number of days off.

Any misbehavior from students is automatically the instructor’s fault. Kid acting out in class? Why didn’t you control them better? Kid do poorly on standardized test? Why didn’t you prepare them for the test better? Cheating? Broken tablets? Kids speaking Korean in class? Why aren’t you being the child’s mother while also being their teacher? The expectations were ridiculous.

How many of us are suffering and struggling with their mental health while going into a workplace that plunges us deeper into that hole? Probably more than society cares to count. I did myself a favor by getting out of the situation, but I know many of us are not nearly as fortunate during these times.

As I reflect on how I have been doing since removing myself from this soul crushing environment, I realized that I have made heaps of progress by simply not allowing myself to be in a situation where the system preys on my general desire to meet and exceed external expectations. I am still so tired and in recovery from the time I spent there, but it has gotten a little bit easier as time has passed.

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