recovery – Turbulent Mind

February 5, 2021February 7, 2021

Productivity Shame

2020 was a rough year for a lot of people. A lot of us experienced disruptions in our professional and personal lives. This disruption has forced so many people to work in their homes. It’s also forced people out of their jobs. While I was lucky to not experience much of either of these things, I have recently caught myself in a negative feedback loop. In this loop, I constantly berate myself for a lack of “productivity.” This lack of productivity I’ve been experiencing has been through an active choice to embrace stillness by taking a school term off before jumping into a new job at a new school here in Daegu, South Korea.

I started out 2021 thinking of all of the changes that I have experienced in the last year. I thought about how many things I have completely turned around and I was able to give myself a few pats on the back. But why did I still end up feeling so shitty on most days? Why was I constantly feeling shame for not “doing enough” during my days?

I feel that the reason I am able to clearly see the mechanism in which productivity shaming truly brings a person down is due to the fact that I simply don’t have many obligations at this moment in time. Therefore, any “productiveness” that I perceive is necessary is actually not necessary at all. I literally have nothing that I have to do besides eat, walk the dogs, feed the dogs and cat, and clean the cat’s litter box. Technically, if I wanted to lay in bed all day and sleep, I had no obligations to stop me. Yet, I found myself feeling tired, hopeless, and full of self hatred.

I began to go into productivity overdrive a few weeks back. I scheduled every hour of my day to include some kind of activity. I started working out, studying Korean, walking the dogs 5 times a day, and reading. I even planned out exactly when I was going to prepare my meals and how long my meals must take. The first day was great. I finished everything. I felt this little high off of my accomplishments. I proceeded to try to pack the next day in the same way. While I succeeded, I found myself absolutely drained and exhausted from all of the hours I was devoting to studying and working out.

Ten or so days passed and I woke up this past Wednesday and felt absolutely hopeless. I was doing so many things, but I didn’t want to do any of them that day. I let my alerts on my watch and phone ring. Every time I swiped them away, I felt like a piece of crap. Feeling exhausted was getting to me. My insomnia was and still has been out of control. I was running on 4 hours of sleep every day and not allowing myself to rest was catching up to me. Yet, that Wednesday was not restful. I laid in bed, awake, frustrated and full of self-hate. Why couldn’t I just get my lazy ass up and do the stuff I’ve been doing every day?

I had completely depleted myself and instead of allowing myself to take a break on reaching these expectations, I mentally berated myself for being a “failure.” The guilt and the belief that you are not enough can be extremely taxing. That Wednesday stretched onto Thursday. Somewhere between Thursday and today, I finally figured out why I was “stuck” in this loop. I was setting expectations and goals that were so specific and grueling that I was setting myself up for failure.

You see, productivity shaming is an internal battle you fight with your perfectionist self. The self that sets these goals doesn’t have “happy, healthy, balanced” you in mind. It has the “cracked out, stressed, gotta survive” you in mind. It pushes you to the limit because perfectionist you was created under extreme scrutiny and stress. Your perfectionist self has served you well, and has likely helped you in many of your successes. However, the reality is that we can’t always be in “perfectionist” or “go, go, go” mode.

On Wednesday, when I woke up with the “fuck this and everything on the list” feeling, my mind and body was telling me, “Girl, it’s time to go easy on yourself today.” The checklists and reminders from perfectionist me were there to remind me of how I continue to set unrealistic goals for myself despite how badly I feel when I don’t meet them.

So, between Thursday and this moment, I’ve been working out how I can reconcile these parts of me. I reminded myself that it’s ok to not do everything on my checklist down to the amount of time I have allotted. I began to adjust my tasks from having allotted time slots to simply being a loose list of things that I’ll attempt during the day. I also broke down my list into “obligations” and “desires.” The obligations were simply to get out of the house twice a day for at least 30 minutes each time to walk the dogs. I tried to keep each of the lists manageable.

On Friday, I woke up in a pain flare-up from a condition I was diagnosed with a few years back. It’s called interstitial cystitis, which causes bladder pain/UTI-like symptoms in the absence of any actual infection. There’s limited knowledge on the condition and after many tests and scans, I was diagnosed with it based off of the fact that I was not diagnosed with other conditions that exhibit similar symptoms. I often have pain flare-ups during especially depressive/anxious times, and it’s just icing on the cake. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, is my body trying to tell me something?”

I recently saw a quote on Instagram that said something along the lies of, “If you’re guilting and shaming yourself while you are resting, then it isn’t really rest. If you feel exhausted after resting, then that’s a sign that you weren’t truly resting at all.” It’s definitely not the exact quote, but the gist of it is there. My body was telling me, “Girl, you aren’t resting enough. You aren’t giving your body what it needs while you can and your mind is making yourself feel like shit while you’re telling yourself to rest.”

If anyone else can relate to a chronic feeling of not “doing enough” please reach out. I’d love your insight on how you deal with this never-ending feeling that you should be busy with something at all times. How do I embrace stillness and rest? How do I get the most out of it when my mind/body seems to reject simple acts of rest such as sleep?

July 9, 2020

Battling Progress

I have struggled to find the energy to write over the last couple of months. With the current events, the social atmosphere, and the change in dynamics due to COVID-19, I haven’t been able to articulate how every day has felt. I’ve made a lot of big choices in my life in order to uplift and push me on to a path of healing. I’ve also made some questionable choices that appear to have set me back. To say I’m feeling back to square one would be an exaggeration. But to say that I’m still trying to see the “progress” I’ve made has made me feel as if I’m not expressing myself in a genuine way.

I know that my progress has come in small waves. I’ve gained more independence away from my friends, and especially away from the me that I wasn’t so fond of at the beginning of this year. In half of a year, I’ve grown into a me that I’m proud of. I’ve taken this entire year of uncertainty and learned to cope without devastation. I’ve made one decision after another that completely changed my life without ending up certain that it would destroy me.

On the other side of this, I do see myself self-sabotaging. I put a block on progressing and moving forward by putting on a heavy coat of armor. Shielding vulnerable self from emotional connections. I see myself berating my vulnerability by telling it to “suck it up” or to not “let it show” that I’m struggling. I plaster an emotionless face on top of a lot of sadness and worry. I overwhelm myself with social engagements and activities because I hate that feeling I get at the end of the day when there’s nothing left but to sit with my thoughts. I become passionate about social issues and overwhelm myself with news, media, and other content in order to keep my mind away from hurting about the stuff happening on a personal level. I justify it by telling myself that the little stuff isn’t important compared to all the big stuff happening in the world that is unjust.

While I want to say that I want to keep fighting, engaging in conversations about social activism, and making statements. I have found myself unable to keep up with my own basic needs. I wake up every morning dreading what I will face at work and hoping to get to the point where I can lay my head back down on the pillow and fall asleep. I often wonder who the hell am I, and what am I doing here? Do I like being alone? Or am I just so exhausted from everything I have been doing to care?

I’ve been told that this is what progress looks like. That it can feel as if nothing has really changed on a micro level. But if I take a step back and look at things at a macro level, there’s a world of a difference for me. I just have to step out and stop sabotaging my own progress. Easier said than done.

In order to focus on my progress, I’ll be taking on a little less. Resting a little more. Ruminating a little less. Being a little more vulnerable and letting myself cry a bit more. I’ll be cutting out the parts of my life that have drained me, and continue taking on what I can handle not what I “ought to” handle.

December 31, 2019

Weighted Blankets are the best

I have heard so many good things about weighted blankets for people with GAD or Panic Disorder. I’ve heard that they help calm nighttime anxiety and help with falling asleep. I didn’t really believe all of this until I got Dobby. I like to call her my weighted pillow. She often sleeps on top of my legs or stomach, easily putting on an extra 14 pounds to my body. I sleep really well with her laying on me. And this may just be a coincidence, but she often hops on top of me when I wake up in a panic and kind of knead her paws on my chest, arms, or stomach. While my boyfriend was visiting he remarked on how she’s kind of like a weighted blanket, which must have inspired my Christmas present this year. It has done wonders to my sleep and mood. I’ve said before that my insomnia has a huge influence on my moods. So, of course, with better quality sleep, I’ve had more stability in my moods.

First of all, I have a 15 pound Queen sized blanket from Weighted Idea. This is pretty ideal for me since I often find myself underneath my dogs as well, which easily adds another 15 pounds. I believe he bought it on Amazon. The best thing about it is that it looks great with or without a duvet cover! It can be machine washed, air dried, and it’s just the right size for my bed.

Now, enough raving about the blanket itself. My sleep has gotten significantly better. Within 15 to 20 minutes after getting under the blanket, I begin to feel drowsy. The weight feels kind of like a hug and it just makes me feel safe and tucked in. I sleep more pleasantly, and the weight seems to calm me as the thoughts race.

Panic attack wake ups have dropped significantly in the past few weeks. Previously, I would have several panic attacks a night while sleeping, but, I’ve seen less and less of that with my blanket. I wake up feeling more refreshed, and I wake up less often during the night as well. The last panic attack I had was when I didn’t have the weighted blanket on me, because one of the dogs vomited on it during the day. The difference between having it and not having it was significant.

I know there may be a possibility for a placebo effect but if you’re struggling with falling and staying asleep, investing in a weighted blanket may really help. But I always suggest people to see a doctor about any symptoms of sleeplessness. Many people that I’ve spoken to have expressed their frustrations on how they do not get enough or good quality sleep. It’s a frustration that I share, and admittedly, must be medicated for. Prolonged sleeplessness or poor sleep quality was so detrimental to me, that I wasn’t able to handle the slightest amount of stress or difficult emotions.

Another way that I have improved my sleep quality is applying blue light filter