progress – Turbulent Mind

January 27, 2021

Relationship Anxiety

As I’m going through this period of self-reflection and rest before my new contract starts up, I am realizing that I have very specific triggers to my anxiety. One of them is relationships. It doesn’t have to be romantic relationships that get me feeling this way. It could be platonic relationships and even familial relationships. The idea that someone may be unhappy with me, really gets the nerves going.

More specifically, if I’m going to talk about one type of relationship that notoriously gets me anxious, it would be romantic relationships. There always comes a point in time in my relationships when I start to get either justifiably or unjustifiably anxious about what my partner really wants from me. I either get more clingy and anxious or cold and distant. I’m not sure what triggers which response, but I’ve definitely gone to both extremes in moments of uncertainty. I could be going through all of this unbeknownst to my partner, or it could be glaringly obvious.

Obviously, neither response is healthy for the relationship. But I have experienced disconnect and eventually a dissolution of the relationship from these responses, which I now understand to be ways that I cope with anxieties and uncertainties in my relationships.

One of the most helpful things I’ve learned in therapy is to question my negative thought loops. I’m not an expert, and I am by no means a love doctor, but here are a few questions I ask myself when I feel myself panicking and pulling away from my partner or getting crazy clingy.

“What specific action has my partner done that warrants this reaction? Often times I find that it’s something as simple as, “He hasn’t answered my texts all day today.” In today’s age, texting has become an important way to maintain communication, and unusual disruptions in any schedule or pattern you’ve developed can cause anxiety. But if you’re finding yourself thinking, “OK, well I guess I’ll pull away too,” then you may be reacting to this change by closing yourself off in order to protect yourself. Perhaps this is something you brought from a previous relationship, and it’s baggage you need to sort through. This brings up the next question…

Has my current partner behaved in a way that brings up past baggage? The answer may be “Yes.” Your partner may have a pattern of withholding or becoming “hot and cold” and it’s something that is triggering baggage from your past. In this case, a conversation about this behavior should be had. Understanding why your partner does this, and perhaps helping your partner sort through their own baggage could help you both grow as a couple.
“Hold on, but what if the answer is ‘no?'” Well, if your partner hasn’t behaved in a way that causes real concern, then this is likely a thought pattern that you have developed in order to protect yourself from hurt and disappointment with a previous partner. This is also known as baggage and is separate from your current partner.

Does pulling away/being clingy make me feel better about myself? This is usually the questions I ask myself that kind of brings me into understanding. Does the action that I am planning on executing to alleviate my anxiety help me feel good about myself? Perhaps pulling away makes you feel like you are “powerful” and “strong,” but does withholding yourself make you feel good individually and in this relationship? Probably not. Withholding emotion and information usually ends up breaking down communication and understanding. Being clingy often breaks down your self-esteem and fills you with regret.

So now that I understand my relationship anxiety as a product of my baggage, how do I make it “stop?” Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop. You only get better at questioning your negative thought patterns. By reasoning with your anxiety and bringing in logic, you can slowly develop good habits to combat the anxiety until it becomes a passing thought that you easily let go of as quick as it came in.

I remember a time when my anxiety surrounding my relationship was so intense that I was not able to function outside of my intrusive thoughts and fears. I would compulsively cling on to my partner or punish myself by withholding affection and disconnecting from them for days, weeks, and, one time, a month. When the anxious thoughts surrounding my relationship were too much, I did some of these things:

Journal – I am a huge fan of handwriting my thoughts. Being able to see them on paper was a way for me to release the negative thought loops from my brain. Often times it was cathartic for me to just read and re-read the worries and thoughts that I had. Sometimes, after a few reads, I realize that my worry is not based on facts or action, but on a fear of abandonment or rejection.
Postponement of Worry – There was a time when I scheduled a time to worry about things in general. This included my relationship. When a worry/negative thought popped into my head, I would jot it down on a notepad or in the memo app on my phone. I set an alarm every night for after work, and I would work through each worry. More often than not, giving the worry time without rumination helped make the worry either less of a worry or a non-worry. I also had a friend that did the same activity with me and we shared our worries together. It was encouraging to have a friend to keep me accountable for postponing, and it was great for me to hear feedback from my friend on how to deal with the worry.
Leaves on a Stream – In 2019, my therapist introduced me to this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy method. I now find myself being able to go through this process without the “Leaves on a Stream” guide, but the guide was absolutely necessary in my worst throes of anxiety. Leaves on a Stream teaches you to acknowledge, accept, and embrace thoughts and feelings without judgement through mindfulness. Honestly, being able to accept some of the most negative and nastiest of thoughts without beating myself up over them and feeling guilty about them is a powerful way to regain control over your anxiety. Here’s a video that helped me through this exercise:

I still experience anxiety triggered by relationships on a day-to-day basis, but thanks to some of these techniques, I have really been able to take back control over my life in the last year. I hope that some of these things can help those of us that are a bit spooked by being with other people.

July 9, 2020

Battling Progress

I have struggled to find the energy to write over the last couple of months. With the current events, the social atmosphere, and the change in dynamics due to COVID-19, I haven’t been able to articulate how every day has felt. I’ve made a lot of big choices in my life in order to uplift and push me on to a path of healing. I’ve also made some questionable choices that appear to have set me back. To say I’m feeling back to square one would be an exaggeration. But to say that I’m still trying to see the “progress” I’ve made has made me feel as if I’m not expressing myself in a genuine way.

I know that my progress has come in small waves. I’ve gained more independence away from my friends, and especially away from the me that I wasn’t so fond of at the beginning of this year. In half of a year, I’ve grown into a me that I’m proud of. I’ve taken this entire year of uncertainty and learned to cope without devastation. I’ve made one decision after another that completely changed my life without ending up certain that it would destroy me.

On the other side of this, I do see myself self-sabotaging. I put a block on progressing and moving forward by putting on a heavy coat of armor. Shielding vulnerable self from emotional connections. I see myself berating my vulnerability by telling it to “suck it up” or to not “let it show” that I’m struggling. I plaster an emotionless face on top of a lot of sadness and worry. I overwhelm myself with social engagements and activities because I hate that feeling I get at the end of the day when there’s nothing left but to sit with my thoughts. I become passionate about social issues and overwhelm myself with news, media, and other content in order to keep my mind away from hurting about the stuff happening on a personal level. I justify it by telling myself that the little stuff isn’t important compared to all the big stuff happening in the world that is unjust.

While I want to say that I want to keep fighting, engaging in conversations about social activism, and making statements. I have found myself unable to keep up with my own basic needs. I wake up every morning dreading what I will face at work and hoping to get to the point where I can lay my head back down on the pillow and fall asleep. I often wonder who the hell am I, and what am I doing here? Do I like being alone? Or am I just so exhausted from everything I have been doing to care?

I’ve been told that this is what progress looks like. That it can feel as if nothing has really changed on a micro level. But if I take a step back and look at things at a macro level, there’s a world of a difference for me. I just have to step out and stop sabotaging my own progress. Easier said than done.

In order to focus on my progress, I’ll be taking on a little less. Resting a little more. Ruminating a little less. Being a little more vulnerable and letting myself cry a bit more. I’ll be cutting out the parts of my life that have drained me, and continue taking on what I can handle not what I “ought to” handle.

May 11, 2020May 11, 2020

A Year

One year ago, I was in Korea, by myself, with minimal furnishings in my apartment. I was trying to get by until my dog arrived in late May, but the pressure of work began to close in on me. Work, as it seems, turned out to be not what I needed at the time, but I felt “stuck.” I held down the fort as best as I could but my mental health was deteriorating as I stuck it out until the return of my coworker.

A year ago, I teetered pretty close to the edge of existence and non-existence. I remember having a particularly stressful conversation with my then-SO. It was one of those never-ending, dramatic conversations where I kept spiraling and cycling through the same cognitive distortion and reasoning through it with another distortion. I had a nasty habit of forcing the situation into resolution rather than to give each other space and time to process and regroup before discussing the issue. I never really remember what these conversations and arguments were about, all I remember is the panic that ensues. The thoughts that swirl in my head and how they seemed to be absolutely uncontrollable. At the time, I didn’t really realize that what was happening was that my cognitive distortions and my anxiety level had turned from adaptive behavior due to past traumatic experience into a maladaptive disorder that would send my life into ruins.

I remember hitting the ground, my rock bottom, both physically and mentally. Not sure what it was that took over me. I suddenly couldn’t see anything past that floor and that moment when I was laying on it, half sobbing and half gasping. Anxiety saved my life that day. “I don’t want to die” alarms were screeching in my ears. I’m not sure why I felt like I would. I just did, and my brain was screaming for me to do something to help. I went to the emergency room that day after not being able to re-set my breathing to automatic for over an hour. Having my colleague pick me up off the ground and take me to the hospital was an ultimate low. I remember him telling me in the car, “I wish you told me that you were struggling.” All I could say was, “I wish I did, too. Because maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened.”

A year later, I still feel that way about the whole situation. I wish I stepped out and told someone sooner. I wish I told myself that I needed me sooner. I wish so many things for my past self, but all of that is useless at this point. I have walked this path and things have changed in my life. I am unrecognizable to me in the mirror. It’s no longer a bad thing. It just is. Disruptive thoughts have still ruined my day. They probably won’t stop. Luckily it just doesn’t ruin my life anymore.

Today, I want to celebrate a year of working on myself. Cheers to you, my friend. You are strong. It’s fitting that a new song by one of my favorite bands was released today. It hit me like it was about my life.

Zombie by Day6

January 27, 2020January 27, 2020

One day at a time…

Today has been a little bit of a journey for me. I’ve been feeling very physically ill, and terrified that it was the Wuhan Coronavirus. I know, I know… health anxiety is a real thing and I should stop Googling symptoms. I stopped by the hospital to get checked, and they don’t seem to concerned. Of course, that’s not how anxiety works. I’m still terrified.

Aside from taking care of myself, I have also been sorting through a lot of thoughts this evening. I had planned on doing this, as I mentioned in my last post. It’s my last day of a long holiday weekend and I have been thinking and sorting through a lot of the anxiety, sadness, and fears that I’ve been setting aside because I have been too tired, overwhelmed and anxious to deal with my stuff. Here are some things I’ve sorted through, and some things that I have realized through the last few weeks.

The winter months are packed full of holidays, and I’ve been experiencing some serious sadness and loneliness on an almost monthly basis. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Lunar New Year are all holidays I enjoy spending with my family and friends. I missed out on so many things and I know it’s my own damn fault. I chose to come out here, why? Why did I choose to come out here if I get so sad when I can’t be with people that I love on important days. My anxiety kind of overflows during this time, as my family and loved ones are too busy to communicate and update me. I feel like their lives are flying by while my life is sitting at a standstill waiting for news and updates about their lives. I am justifiably sad/down in the dumps. Even though I have been feeling a little bit sad about things like missing my family, significant other, and friends. I understand that being far apart doesn’t mean that I am not loved and not important. Realizing this and working through the rationalizing has helped me feel a lot less anguished.

Another feeling I’ve been working through is absolute exhaustion from work. It’s really hard to stop myself from criticizing my decisions to come back to a job that does get extremely busy during the winter and summer seasons. There is a fine line between being extremely busy and burnt out. I could feel everyone around me slowly cross that line and enter “burnt out.” And, to be honest, I was getting secondhand burnout and anxiety. “Did I make the right choice to come back?” and “Is this a toxic environment for me?” are thoughts that I actively tried to avoid thinking about during the busy times for self preservation. I know that I enjoy my work immensely. Seeing the kids learn makes me happy. The environment can be what I make it, and I can choose to let the energy of others ruin the experience for me, or I can choose to focus on my own emotions and how I feel.

There have been a lot of days where I did not want to wake up in the morning. I go to bed hoping that I won’t have to wake up the next day. I think about all of the other days to follow and I’m overwhelmed by the weight of the future. I think about all of the things I want to do but haven’t. Before I have even begun the day, I’ve already set myself up for failure. I’ve already set myself up for a day of hopelessness and sadness.

Now that I’ve spent the entire day contemplating what to do with some of these negative and unhelpful emotions and thoughts, I definitely need an action plan to deal with some of the negative and intrusive anxious thoughts. Recently, I’ve been really enjoying a Podcast that brought me a lot of strength today. The Tablo Podcast has helped me see a lot of things about dealing with depression. I really need to take each day, one day at a time. I need to complete thought processes and dealing with my feelings one day at a time. As much as I’d like to just push some of the things off for an “easier” or another day, I really do need to address the day’s feelings on the day so that I don’t carry the day’s weight on me.

Through listening to the podcast I’ve felt a little less alone, as there have been so many moments of “Ahah! I’ve felt exactly the same!” As he describes moments in his life and his own struggle with depression.

A lot of things have been difficult these days, and I know that they can continue being a challenge, but I’m determined to make the best of things and to better my mental health. Every New Year, people make “New Years Resolutions” to be a better version of themselves. I’ve said before that setting a resolution for the year can often mean setting yourself up for failure. So, like Tablo says, I’m gonna make a day resolution for every day of something attainable.

For tomorrow, Tuesday, my resolution is to wake up at a decent hour and do some work around the house before heading to work. And each day, I will need to take all of the emotions and events of the day, and properly address them. No more putting it off for later.

January 7, 2020March 24, 2020

Setbacks – Because Progress isn’t Linear

One of the most discouraging things about this whole “recovery” process is how devastating a setback can feel. It can feel like nothing you did up to this point actually mattered. You still just end up back here with the thoughts that swirl around in your head. There could be absolutely no trigger. It could be something as simple as lack of sleep or just being a bit blue about saying good-bye to friends. Yesterday, it was both of those things that led me into some pretty dark territory. When I’m in the middle of a spin-out, my idea of my self worth isn’t very pretty. To be honest, sometimes it’s just my brain telling me things have been a little bit too okay for too long, and it’s about time that it stirs some shit up for me to overthink about.

On days like those, it’s really hard to see that path ahead of you. The path of healing seems to just be one of those track loops and you always end up in that rough spot again and again. Starting to feel hopeless that things never will work out. Or feeling like no matter what I do, I will always have this is one of the many discouraging and distressful thoughts that swirl around in my head during a spin out. Amidst my spin out, I knew that self soothing techniques wouldn’t work, and the longer I wait until I reached out to someone to talk about what’s going on, the deeper I’ll fall. In order to combat spin-outs and getting stuck in a loop, my therapist and I have actually devised a “plan” of sorts to help me sort through those emotions. I’m hoping that this can help someone out there who is also stuck in a negative feedback loop. Here are the steps I take when I feel myself spinning out of control with myself.

Behavioral Activation – If at all possible, engage in a behavior activating activity. These activities are any activity that can get you closer to feeling a sense of accomplishment by setting and working toward a goal. Sometimes, if I notice the signs that I am falling into a slump or into an overthinking loop, I give myself a task to complete in order to further myself away from the negative feelings of being in the slump and to distract the overthinking. Some tasks include walking my dogs, cleaning, organizing my desk or doing small administrative tasks for work.
Rationalizing – Often times, anxiety attacks/slumps come about due to a negative perspective or idea of yourself. Rationalizing that it is unrealistic to expect perfection from yourself. Or questioning any intrusive thoughts by asking what solid evidence do I have to support this irrational belief is very helpful in making disruptive thoughts less distressing.
Grounding Techniques – If the behavioral activation is no longer effective, this usually means that I am at a point where I will not benefit from setting a goal or thinking about “future me” is setting off my panic. Grounding works miraculously in helping calm the physiological sensations of panic and anxiety. Grounding techniques could include deep breathing exercises, body scan meditation, or just checking in with your senses.
Reach out to a friend – I always put this last, because I am trying to train myself to be self-sufficient. Sometimes things are so messed up and you’re so deep inside the spiral that you need another person to help you. Whether it be to just keep you company, to talk about the issue at hand, or just to get your mind off of things, another person can really help improve the mood.
Self Care – The feeling of hunger and anxiety are both very similar for me. Realizing that I may be spinning out because it’s my body’s way of telling me that I need to eat or I won’t be well was pretty useful yesterday. I often forget about meals because my depression has made it hard to recognize what is hunger and what is anxiety.

I’m hoping this post can help those that have been trying their best to live the best way they can while dealing with the effects of anxiety and depression. For now, I will celebrate that I got through today despite yesterday being difficult. I got through today and I will continue to make my way through the days. Remember, one of the acts of self-care and behavior activation is to make sure you reward yourself, even if it’s just a little bit, for making it through another day and another struggle.