Tag: positivity

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You Don’t Need To Be Better

During the first few days of a new year, I have been seeing so many “motivational posts” on how to “elevate” yourself in this new year. “Falling back” or “regression” is frowned upon in today’s culture of toxic positivity. “Good vibes only” going into 2022. All of these messages can be so harmful for those suffering from mental health issues or loss. The expectation to “grow” and “improve” your experience with mental health can be crushing. For those that are dealing with grief, the pressure to “move on” and “get over it” can feel so invalidating. I have seen so many people that I know experience one of the toughest years of their lives. If you are someone that is struggling… remember that you are allowed to take up the space and time that you need to process your emotions.

When I met my current partner, I was stepping into a phase in my life where I could recognize that I had made a lot of progress. In the last year, I have accomplished so much and my partner reminds me of how much I’ve grown regularly. Even so, I still feel an immense amount of pressure to become better.

On New Year’s Eve, my partner and I were having a late night heart-to-heart. He reminded me that he was so proud of me for overcoming so much and living so fully. It felt good to be recognized, but I immediately began putting myself down. “Well, yeah, but I still wake up feeling down often. I sometimes still wish I didn’t exist. I still find myself crying in the shower after a tough day. Many of these mornings have been spent dreading work and the day to come. I just need to keep becoming better. I need to get better.” My partner simply looked at me and said, “You don’t need to be better. You are already great. Your biggest problem isn’t that you are depressed or have anxiety. That is fine and just a part of your life experience. What is a problem is that you don’t recognize that you are amazing. You are everything you need to be for yourself.” I did not realize how much I needed to hear that.

Of course, it’s important to address and work on mental health issues. Healing is a work in progress that doesn’t always happen in a linear fashion. It’s ok to slow down and it’s ok to “regress” a bit. The most important thing is to recognize that you are enough. I am not sure where I’ve heard this, but: “You are somebody else’s goals.” The life you’re living, your personality, and your achievements are somebody else’s dream life. Try to look at yourself through the eyes of someone that looks up to you. You don’t need to be better.

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One day at a time…

Today has been a little bit of a journey for me. I’ve been feeling very physically ill, and terrified that it was the Wuhan Coronavirus. I know, I know… health anxiety is a real thing and I should stop Googling symptoms. I stopped by the hospital to get checked, and they don’t seem to concerned. Of course, that’s not how anxiety works. I’m still terrified.

Aside from taking care of myself, I have also been sorting through a lot of thoughts this evening. I had planned on doing this, as I mentioned in my last post. It’s my last day of a long holiday weekend and I have been thinking and sorting through a lot of the anxiety, sadness, and fears that I’ve been setting aside because I have been too tired, overwhelmed and anxious to deal with my stuff. Here are some things I’ve sorted through, and some things that I have realized through the last few weeks.

The winter months are packed full of holidays, and I’ve been experiencing some serious sadness and loneliness on an almost monthly basis. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Lunar New Year are all holidays I enjoy spending with my family and friends. I missed out on so many things and I know it’s my own damn fault. I chose to come out here, why? Why did I choose to come out here if I get so sad when I can’t be with people that I love on important days. My anxiety kind of overflows during this time, as my family and loved ones are too busy to communicate and update me. I feel like their lives are flying by while my life is sitting at a standstill waiting for news and updates about their lives. I am justifiably sad/down in the dumps. Even though I have been feeling a little bit sad about things like missing my family, significant other, and friends. I understand that being far apart doesn’t mean that I am not loved and not important. Realizing this and working through the rationalizing has helped me feel a lot less anguished.

Another feeling I’ve been working through is absolute exhaustion from work. It’s really hard to stop myself from criticizing my decisions to come back to a job that does get extremely busy during the winter and summer seasons. There is a fine line between being extremely busy and burnt out. I could feel everyone around me slowly cross that line and enter “burnt out.” And, to be honest, I was getting secondhand burnout and anxiety. “Did I make the right choice to come back?” and “Is this a toxic environment for me?” are thoughts that I actively tried to avoid thinking about during the busy times for self preservation. I know that I enjoy my work immensely. Seeing the kids learn makes me happy. The environment can be what I make it, and I can choose to let the energy of others ruin the experience for me, or I can choose to focus on my own emotions and how I feel.

There have been a lot of days where I did not want to wake up in the morning. I go to bed hoping that I won’t have to wake up the next day. I think about all of the other days to follow and I’m overwhelmed by the weight of the future. I think about all of the things I want to do but haven’t. Before I have even begun the day, I’ve already set myself up for failure. I’ve already set myself up for a day of hopelessness and sadness.

Now that I’ve spent the entire day contemplating what to do with some of these negative and unhelpful emotions and thoughts, I definitely need an action plan to deal with some of the negative and intrusive anxious thoughts. Recently, I’ve been really enjoying a Podcast that brought me a lot of strength today. The Tablo Podcast has helped me see a lot of things about dealing with depression. I really need to take each day, one day at a time. I need to complete thought processes and dealing with my feelings one day at a time. As much as I’d like to just push some of the things off for an “easier” or another day, I really do need to address the day’s feelings on the day so that I don’t carry the day’s weight on me.

Through listening to the podcast I’ve felt a little less alone, as there have been so many moments of “Ahah! I’ve felt exactly the same!” As he describes moments in his life and his own struggle with depression.

A lot of things have been difficult these days, and I know that they can continue being a challenge, but I’m determined to make the best of things and to better my mental health. Every New Year, people make “New Years Resolutions” to be a better version of themselves. I’ve said before that setting a resolution for the year can often mean setting yourself up for failure. So, like Tablo says, I’m gonna make a day resolution for every day of something attainable.

For tomorrow, Tuesday, my resolution is to wake up at a decent hour and do some work around the house before heading to work. And each day, I will need to take all of the emotions and events of the day, and properly address them. No more putting it off for later.

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Late Night Thoughts – Insecurity

I’ve spent a lot of time today ruminating on why I have so much insecurity in my life at the moment. I wondered where it was coming from and how it could be addressed. What I realized is that I feel unstable because self care has been almost impossible. I do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. And the rest of the time I spend time trying to make my dogs happy.

Where do I factor into my daily care? Have I stopped to ask myself how I’m feeling? Have I properly dealt with negative emotions? No. No. And no. Being busy and working 6 day weeks has made it difficult to truly recharge from the weekends. I feel tired, alone, and desperate for rest. Not just physical rest but mental rest from work.

They say you have to start with your basic needs to be able to start addressing your mental needs. I have decided to focus on how to live with the weight of my fears. There really is no one i can count on other than myself. I neee to be my own best friend, caretaker, and source of love.

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Weighted Blankets are the best

I have heard so many good things about weighted blankets for people with GAD or Panic Disorder. I’ve heard that they help calm nighttime anxiety and help with falling asleep. I didn’t really believe all of this until I got Dobby. I like to call her my weighted pillow. She often sleeps on top of my legs or stomach, easily putting on an extra 14 pounds to my body. I sleep really well with her laying on me. And this may just be a coincidence, but she often hops on top of me when I wake up in a panic and kind of knead her paws on my chest, arms, or stomach. While my boyfriend was visiting he remarked on how she’s kind of like a weighted blanket, which must have inspired my Christmas present this year. It has done wonders to my sleep and mood. I’ve said before that my insomnia has a huge influence on my moods. So, of course, with better quality sleep, I’ve had more stability in my moods.

First of all, I have a 15 pound Queen sized blanket from Weighted Idea. This is pretty ideal for me since I often find myself underneath my dogs as well, which easily adds another 15 pounds. I believe he bought it on Amazon. The best thing about it is that it looks great with or without a duvet cover! It can be machine washed, air dried, and it’s just the right size for my bed.

Now, enough raving about the blanket itself. My sleep has gotten significantly better. Within 15 to 20 minutes after getting under the blanket, I begin to feel drowsy. The weight feels kind of like a hug and it just makes me feel safe and tucked in. I sleep more pleasantly, and the weight seems to calm me as the thoughts race.

Panic attack wake ups have dropped significantly in the past few weeks. Previously, I would have several panic attacks a night while sleeping, but, I’ve seen less and less of that with my blanket. I wake up feeling more refreshed, and I wake up less often during the night as well. The last panic attack I had was when I didn’t have the weighted blanket on me, because one of the dogs vomited on it during the day. The difference between having it and not having it was significant.

I know there may be a possibility for a placebo effect but if you’re struggling with falling and staying asleep, investing in a weighted blanket may really help. But I always suggest people to see a doctor about any symptoms of sleeplessness. Many people that I’ve spoken to have expressed their frustrations on how they do not get enough or good quality sleep. It’s a frustration that I share, and admittedly, must be medicated for. Prolonged sleeplessness or poor sleep quality was so detrimental to me, that I wasn’t able to handle the slightest amount of stress or difficult emotions.

Another way that I have improved my sleep quality is applying blue light filter

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My Relationship with Anxiety

This post has been inspired by many people’s descriptions of what their relationship with their mental illness and their mind is like. Most notably, I am in love with this spoken word piece by Jae Nichelle.

This powerful description has inspired me to go on my own journey to try to define what my mental illness is to me. The best way to describe my anxiety is to describe it as my toxic bff that I can’t seem to get rid of.

For one thing, my anxiety is something that has never left me. From not being able to order a hamburger from a waitress at a restaurant, to spending entire summers not seeing my friends because I simultaneously had FOMO and felt that I would be too anxious to participate meaningfully with anything. My anxiety is a constant presence and fills in the spot that loneliness should be. If asked, “Aren’t you lonely living there by yourself?” I don’t think I can really define the feeling as loneliness. I’m anxious living on my own in a foreign country where I am not proficient in the language. Sure. But I made my own choice to do that, right? Right!

See, even when I was living in an area where the environment was familiar and the language was my native tongue, this nagging feeling of what felt to be “loneliness” was always there. As I have grown and moved through stages in my life carrying this “loneliness” with me despite being surrounded by human beings, I realize this was not loneliness that I carry. I am lugging around my dear old friend, anxiety. Anxiety is a friend that jealously protects me from everything that might hurt me. Every single “new” friend must go through the tests that Anxiety makes me put them through. A small slip-up and Anxiety tells me none of it is worth it. I start from scratch, and I keep whittling down the list of possible companions until there are none left.

Then, at the end of the day, Anxiety comforts me into sleep by telling me, “It’s ok, you’ve got me to keep you safe. As long as I’m around, nothing will get close enough to hurt you. I’ve thought of all the possible negative outcomes, and as long as you trust me, you won’t end up with any of them.”

This, theoretically seems great! Wow, I’ve got a built in friend that has my best interest at heart. It’s keeping me “safe” from all of the people and things that could hurt me. It’s making sure that I won’t end up with these horrible negative outcomes. But here’s the catch. Anxiety is also going to keep you from taking a chance where there is a slight chance you’ll meet a companion that will make you feel whole. Anxiety will try to stop you from connecting with this companion because they’re here to make sure you don’t take risks. With folks, like me, who have GAD, we overthink every single interaction, and even if our gut says, “go for it!” Our GAD will spend the next forever overthinking the interaction until you give in and say, “You’re right, I shouldn’t.”

And even after all this, Anxiety is still my friend. It’s what I count on to keep me from making stupid decisions, and it’s what I rely on to plan out how to get work done. Anxiety, you’ve done some awful shit to me. You’ve made me feel like I’m not deserving of certain people, things, and life events. You’ve fought with me to gain control of my decisions. You’ve even tried to get your buddy Panic Disorder in on it too to make me feel like my decisions will cause me to experience a heart attack of sorts. You’ve done so much shit to me, and you’re still my friend, because I know your intentions aren’t bad. I know, that you deeply just want to protect me. I just want you, Anxiety, to know, that I am going to protect you too. I have lived and learned skills that I can use to keep our heart safe, and I intend to use those skills. So you can relax and enjoy the finer things in life alongside me, because protecting me doesn’t always have to be your job.

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