love – Turbulent Mind

August 24, 2021

Relationship Myths

Switching gears over here and taking a look at romantic relationships. Instagram-Land has so many interesting little tidbits/infographics that “promote” the “ideal” relationship. I can’t help but notice how many of these pieces of “advice” are so terribly misinformed and one-sided. Is this what people are expecting out of a relationship?

“Never go to bed angry” is the number one myth that I have seen floating around Instagram… and also have had it suggested to me. On the surface this seems like it’s promoting problem solving and conflict resolution. In practice, however, what ends up happening is frustrating miscommunication due to lack of sleep. I learned this the hard way in my past relationships. We would go in circles, deep into the night and never resolve anything. You can’t problem solve when your head isn’t thinking clearly. Bottom line: If you’re pissed at your SO, and it’s bedtime, then GO TO BED. Try saying something like, “It’s late and we’re both tired. Let’s figure this out together when we both are well-rested. I’m not brushing this off. I just want us to be in the best headspace to tackle this problem.” If there’s pushback… remember that the other person may be reacting as a response to prior trauma.

“A good partner will love you unconditionally” is perhaps one of the most toxic and harmful ideas that people have of romantic relationships. Unconditional means that there are no conditions/requirements that need to be met in order to receive love. This is what parental relationships to children should be (and, of course, are not always in practice). This is horrible for romantic relationships and platonic relationships. If your needs are continually not being met and you are not being respected as an individual, you owe your partner or friend nothing. You do not have to maintain a romantic relationship with a person that does not put in the effort for you. Bottom line: Adult relationships are and should always be conditional. You love and respect your partner on the condition that they love and respect you in a way that meets your needs. If they do not, or you do not meet theirs, both you and your partner have every right to leave the relationship.

“Happy couples do not fight” Is probably a no brainer and more commonly accepted as false, but you’d be surprised by how much judgement I’ve seen people pass when people talk about arguing or fighting with a significant other. I do take issue with the word “fight.” Fighting implies an intent to attack another person, physical or verbal. Fighting is not healthy. When a person sets out to attack their partner or to prove their partner is “wrong,” then the motivation of the debate is unhealthy. However, it is always healthy and encouraged to discuss and debate differences in opinions. This is healthy communication. Bottom line: Be diplomatic with your partner and always respect that they are a human being that has opinions and beliefs that may not be 100% in line with yours. This is OK and to be expected!

“If my partner loves me, they will know what I want and need” Is one of the #1 ways to set yourself up for disappointment. No matter how well-studied you are in psychology, body language, and interpersonal relationships… you cannot read minds. Your partner cannot read your mind either. Bottom line: If you need something out of a relationship, tell your partner. Better to be clear with your needs than to be frustrated with not getting your needs met because there is no such thing as a mind reader.

“Once you find ‘the One,’ you’ll have found your happily ever after.” Perpetuated by film, literature, and social media, finding ‘the One’ solves almost zero problems. In fact, it may bring up some unhealed trauma and attachment issues that require hard work on your part. Being in a committed relationship means you are constantly making a choice and putting in effort to hold up your end of the conditional relationship (see first myth). Shit doesn’t just fall in to place when you find someone you are compatible with. Being with the right person doesn’t mean that it’s “easy.” Bottom line: It still takes work, no matter how healthy and fulfilling a relationship is. When something involves another human being with their own set of emotions and experiences, it will always require work.

Don’t forget that it’s also 1000% OK to not have any desire to deal with any of this mess. At the end of the day, your relationship with yourself is the most important 🙂

August 26, 2020

Once Upon a Time…

There was a girl that didn’t really believe that love was a wonderful thing. She went through life thinking that she deserved lackluster relationships. She went through them, methodologically. One step at a time, she figured out what was acceptable and what was not acceptable. In the end, things numbed her out. She didn’t think she would find someone again.

Then, by chance, she met someone that actually took the time to ask her about her story. This person was curiously comforting to talk to, and she took to him immediately. It was so fast and so intense. It was so unintentional, and all the timing just felt so wrong, but all of the feelings felt so right.

The time she spent with him was wonderful, she learned so much about herself and love. She learned so much about how to accept the flawed parts of herself while learning about the flawed parts of her partner. She fell in a love that was so deep and so unfamiliar, something was triggered within her. For the first time, she feared the loss of this relationship more than anything. That heart wrenching feeling during conflict caused so much turbulence in her heart that she realized that she had no idea how to deal with a love like this.

The time she spent with him was also turbulent. Dealing with another person’s very different way of communicating their emotions was a challenge. Communicating clearly was the biggest one. The turbulence of her professional and personal life eventually drove her into one of the deepest slumps of depression and anxiety. Nothing could console her. Nothing.

How does one express their fear of the unknown to someone that just doesn’t fear the unknown? How does one express that sometimes when they argued it hit something so deep that it triggered a fear of being left alone? How does one express that fighting felt like the absolute destruction of the foundation she tried to build for herself and her self confidence? How does one express when throughout her life, she was taught to stay quiet, stay “good,” stay agreeable, and stay happy. How does one function in a relationship when you don’t really know how to function as a healthy expressing adult?

The answer is you don’t function unless you’re willing to learn. You make mistakes. You break down in communication. You stop sharing and you stop learning. You stop feeling connected despite constantly reaching out. In the end you’re left anxious, afraid, and slowly realizing that you’ve lost that person that you are so in love with. There was such a long list of things that needed to be done and needed to be addressed before any other love connection is made.

Despite this realization that things just weren’t right, this girl sometimes sits here, months later, realizing that she’s still in love with this boy. Even though she knows this boy has likely decided that there’s not possible way that he will ever give her the time of day again. And she… she won’t ever want to put that burden of her struggles and her pain on another man that she cares about again. Because baggage isn’t fair. It’s not fair to your new partner to have to deal with baggage that you haven’t figured out.

To my future lover, I hope I can continue on this journey to figure out how to be a good communicator, I hope that I can learn to love myself more than you can ever love me, because I don’t ever want to feel like I lost my world again. And I hope that I can give to you the real, loving, and authentic me that I’m not afraid to show you. I hope that we can learn to grow together rather than tolerate each other’s flaws. I want to embrace yours while you embrace mine. Maybe one day I’ll find you. But the goal of this is to be OK if I don’t.

March 13, 2020

Misconceptions of Love

March 14th – White Day. Korea’s all about the holidays that focus on the couple. New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, White Day, Christmas Eve…. all of those holidays plus 100 day anniversaries, all the anniversaries. It’s enough to make one’s head spin. But one of the biggest things about Korea is how much their media is fueled by the same “boy meets girl” narrative.

One of the biggest misconceptions of love, that I am extremely guilty of feeling, is that love is intense, sweeping, and life changing. When you fall in love with someone that’s the single most life-changing thing you will ever experience. It’ll change your world, your perspective, and your life will be complete. At least that’s what all of these Hollywood movies, K-Dramas and love songs are telling us. While I’m not saying that love doesn’t ever feel like that, I am saying that often times people, including myself, are guilty of thinking that love will stay that way forever.

In every relationship, past or present, I have definitely fallen into the trap of questioning whether or not the fading of the intense, sweeping emotions of falling for someone is normal. The questioning often leads to anxiety that my relationship is “broken” somehow, and it may or may not become a self-fulfilling prophecy where it does end up breaking down due to unrealistic expectations.

Some of these unrealistic expectations are handed down to me from generations of the belief that being in a committed relationship equals sacrifice. I’ve watched as women in the generations before me sacrifice their happiness, freedom, and opportunities to “fall in line” with their roles “behind” the men in their lives. I’ve been taught that the biggest joy I will ever have in life is to find a partner to have children with and start a family with because the people around me will question and ask about when I will reach those landmarks. I come from generations of women that believed that their sole purpose was to raise and educate their children to be productive members of society and to fall into the same roles that they once have. Generations of men and women that sacrifice for the sake of creating that family. I come from a refugee family that left their home because they had no choice to raise a family in a country that never has and never will really accept them as their own.

I am very lucky to have parents that have the ability to change, learn, and understand my wants and needs. While I have felt the pressure to walk on that path, my parents ultimately understood that not everyone’s happiness will stem from meeting those expectations. Through a lot of growing and painful experience, I’ve learned that this is what unconditional love is. To love your child no matter the decisions they make because you just want their decisions to lead to their happiness. That is love. Loving me despite the fact that I have made mistakes and continuing to support my decisions as an adult is what true parental love is. Being a supportive force in the background and allowing me to always be the captain of my own ship is what parental love should be. While they haven’t always been perfect at this, they have shown me that people can change and learn even in adulthood. They continue to astonish me in their tolerance of me as their adult child.

Some of the unrealistic expectations I have for my own romantic relationships originate in my early experiences with what romantic relationships look like. Movies, music, television all told me love is a huge sweeping feeling and it’s the “end goal.” Few movies feature stories of maintenance and sustaining a healthy relationship. They just… fall in love… then what? As I grew older and experienced different relationships, I realize that I got stuck in the maintenance and sustaining part. It was always much more difficult than I ever imagined, and sometimes, even if I felt like things weren’t going great, I’d stick around “just to see” if it got any better. It usually didn’t because love is a choice. It takes work and it is a conscious decision you make. You choose the person that you’re with, but the most important thing that I’ve learned is that you should never choose your person over yourself. Likewise, you should never expect the other person to choose you over their own mental well being. The biggest takeaway that I have learned from therapy and from relationships, past and present, is that we must both respect each other’s need to have self-care. I don’t always practice this takeaway, and there are times when my anxiety influences me to selfishly push and disrupt my partner’s need for self-care so that I can quiet my fears. Ultimately though, this is a lesson I’m learning each and every day, as I try to sustain my own romantic relationship.

Another thing I have learned about sustaining a relationship is that, while your partner is here for you and wants to support you, they cannot be your therapist. They cannot be the only person you run to in your support network. If you find that your anxieties and emotions are wearing down the relationship, it’s time to expand your support network and, if possible, seek professional help. That is the single best thing I have ever done for myself and for all of my relationships romantic or not.