Tag: Late night thoughts

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Late Night Thoughts: Changes – Unexpected Triggers

TW: Mentions of death, euthanasia of a pet, & grief.

It has been one hell of a year for me. I actually haven’t exactly faced every change that I have gone through until I had to explain some recent traumatic life changes that my cat went through in the last year.

I took my cat to the vet today to try to pinpoint a cause for his sudden (kind of) habit of peeing in my bed. This, in itself, was already a trauma trigger for me. I haven’t been to a vet since our last visit where we put Dobby to sleep. I didn’t realize how triggering being in this setting would be. As I sat in the waiting room of a completely different vet’s office, memories came flooding back. I remembered stroking Dobby in the waiting room before our first visit. I remember thinking, “It’s going to be just fine after this. We’ll figure it all out and we’ll go home. You’re going to be fine.”

It started to get a bit hard for me to breathe as I replayed the memories of her last few moments. We sat in a waiting room, much like this one, holding onto her as she struggled to keep her eyes open and breathe. I was with my partner then, and we had each other. He wasn’t able to come this time, so I was so thankful that, at the last minute, I decided to bring Misha with me as well. Her calm expression and demeanor made it easy to ground myself enough to get through the visit. I felt myself shaking as I ran through the possible scenarios that could play out with Butterscotch. His inappropriate peeing could be a UTI or, worse, a urinary track block that’s causing him immense pain and suffering. I shuddered at the possibility of something life threatening.

When the vet asked about any disruptions or changes in life that could lead to stress for Butterscotch, I recounted the year of changes that both the cat and I went through. I started with the fact that we had moved twice in the span of 6 months. I also mentioned getting married and living with my now-husband full time probably adding stress. He adores my husband, but it was a change nonetheless. Then we got to Dobby’s passing. I choked up a bit and muttered, “He lost his best friend, my other dog, at the end of April. Yeah, I think he started peeing inappropriately a month or two after that.” I felt so stupid for not thinking of this sooner.

The vet looked back at me with the kindest, most understanding eyes. All I could think of was, “Oh shit, I’m choking up in front of this stranger. He must think I’m a weirdo.” I turned away to look at Butterscotch, who was trembling in the carrier and clutching the sweater I put in with him. The vet replied, “That is a lot of change and stress for a little cat to go through in such a short amount of time.” I know and understand that my cat doesn’t feel grief and loss in the same way I do. He probably doesn’t feel like his breath gets knocked out of him from time to time as he feels the weight of Dobby’s absence. What I do know is that he feels stressed, disoriented, and no longer secure in his world.

Over the last, almost, 8 months, I have been feeling an odd sense of disconnect. I spend large periods of time completely dissociated with my emotions. My co-teacher that I work with closely asks me, “Are you ok?” nearly every day. At those moments, I snap back in and I tell myself, “Man, you really need to get your shit together people can tell you’re not ok.” While I am happy with all of the things that have happened recently, and happy to be able to make more memories with my husband and fur family, I feel a constant feeling of loneliness and disorientation.

It’s a weird place to be when you’re looking forward to the future, but still longing for the past. How can I be happy while being absolutely shattered? It’s all very confusing. In order to get through and do the everyday tasks I need to do to survive, I dissociate & disconnect to survive.

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Feelings I Protect Myself From

We have been taught that there are “good” feelings and “bad” feelings. We want to always feel “good” feelings and never feel the “bad” feelings. In fact, we must avoid “bad” feelings at all costs. We must learn mechanisms in order to, not cope, but to dodge these feelings in any way we can.

Well, the hard truth is that the categorizations of “good” and “bad” feelings are utter bullshit. Feelings are feelings and they are meant to be felt. Sure, some of them are uncomfortable and not fun to deal with while others are addictive and you can’t get enough of them. However, the truth is none of the feelings can exist without all of the others. There can be no happiness without sadness, anger, or fear. There can be no excitement without worry, dread, or uneasiness. The whole array of human feelings are necessary and healthy.

One of the main feelings that I developed, rather unhealthy, coping mechanisms to deal with is disappointment. No one enjoys the feeling of disappointment. Some of us develop such an aversion to it that we make it a point to predict and control outcomes of every situation. I have also been criticized for being overly pessimistic. I always tell myself to expect the worst-case-scenario so that I never feel disappointed if it turns out better than expected. Of course, this has led to a whole bunch of self sabotaging… but that can be a topic for another day.

Another feeling that I tend to avoid like the plague is fear. This emotion is so common for people that suffer from anxiety. The future holds so many unknown factors that it can be hard not to spiral out of control. Often times, we avoid activities or thought patterns that trigger fear. While this is a coping mechanism does not seem harmful, it is actually teaching us to not listen to ourselves. Fear is a sign that something in your life needs to change in order to create safety and security. I felt the most fear during a time when my personal relationships were the most unstable and toxic. The fear I felt was trying to tell me something needed to change and avoiding the cause of my fear was not going to do anything to fix it.

I was taught at a young age that anger is unbecoming on me. As the oldest daughter in an immigrant family, I felt an immense amount of pressure to be successful and a good role model. During times of misunderstanding between my parents and I, I would often let my mask down. I would get angry. The amount of backlash and guilt that I felt after unleashing anger on my parents (who always mean well) was unbearable. How dare I, a child that has been given everything from my parents, ever feel angry at them for anything? How dare I not be grateful? The moment anger crept in, the immediate guilt was too much to handle. I spent much of my early adulthood biting my tongue, pushing down my anger in order to keep peace. Anger causes conflict. Conflict causes stress. Therefore, I must cut out anger in order to avoid all of this stress. Obviously, this has backfired and resulted in plenty of resentment to sort through in therapy.

Lastly, society has taught me that sadness and, especially, grief are to be avoided. I remember the day after Dobby passed away, I went straight to work after sleeping 2.5 hours. I avoided the topic like the plague. There’s no way I would allow myself to feel sadness and bring other people down with it. I assumed I knew that people were thinking, “It’s just a dog, what’s the big deal?” While I know that a majority of those around me would not think that, I just knew that I could not live with the guilt of making others uncomfortable with my grief and sadness.

So, what have I learned about negative emotions? I now know that they are all absolutely necessary for me to feel that positive emotions. Many of the negative emotions serve a purpose in our existence. They are here to tell us that something is not right in our balance. They are signs to listen to ourselves and they should be acknowledged. Most importantly, they should be felt.

In dealing with our negative emotions, we must be comfortable with wading into uncomfortable territory. It takes work and introspection. It takes courage and strength to work through. What has really helped me deal with my negative emotions is changing the motivation behind the activities I do to lift myself out. Rather than distracting myself with exercise so that I can “forget about” the negative emotion that I am feeling, I tell myself that taking care of my body will bring my base line to a better place. By taking care of myself and lifting my immediately feelings out of negativity, I can then be better equipped to go back to my negative emotion and search for the root cause or trigger.

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Putting Things On Hold

It has already been over a month since we said good-bye to Dobby. As we have been moving through grief, I found myself putting things aside for myself to “deal with” when things “settled down.” It became so hard for me to make plans for anything farther than a week out, because of how hard it was for me to predict my mood and energy levels.

I can’t speak for every grief experience, but for me, grief has done a funny thing. It’s made it hard for me to see a future, even as I continue to move forward and get through each day. Even as I continue to reach that “future” that I have a hard time seeing, I can’t really see much farther forward. Maybe it’s because everything I imagined for my future had Dobby in it. Re-imagining my world without her has been so difficult.

I live each day with a bit of a fog over me. The littlest things send me down a spiral of reliving the moment I had to start recalibrating my life to this new reality. As I have been adjusting to this reality, I feel my boundaries for what I will tolerate in my life shift. I wonder if the people around me feel it to be unfair that now I am suddenly not OK with things I was fine with weeks ago.

Boundaries are important to have no matter the state of your mind, and I think it’s important to realize that it’s OK for them to shift. I am learning to move past the guilt I feel when I say no to things I would have said yes to before. I am learning to that I don’t have to “spare the feelings of others” because the ones that truly care for me want to know how they can support me. I am learning to be gentle with myself and ask for room to heal and recharge.

I am also learning that I can be and feel two things at once. I realize that it is OK for me to look forward to the future while holding my lost one in my heart. It’s OK for me to be excited about my next steps in life, but also reminisce and look toward the past. It’s been hard and riddled with guilt, but I know that Dobby would have hated seeing me neglect the beauty of each day in order grieve and remember her.

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The Mask I Wear

I have been wearing a mask for most of my life. I used to live in fear that someone would find out what really goes on inside my head as I go through the movements. I used to move through life without much of a fuss. Ask me how I’m doing, and I almost always respond with, “Not bad!” I mask my feelings by being a functioning and competent person. I always got through everything and accomplished all of the steps I was expected to take with no extensions, no extra time… well… until I was driven to the edge and needed more than just time and rest.

I have come a long way from May 2019. I call that the turning point in my life where I finally realized that I could put the mask down and start putting down boundaries and start to heal. I was met with understanding, at first, but I realized that most people cannot bear to sit with what I really am. What I really am is an actual mess, and that’s not me being too hard on myself. If we all dig down deep enough, we will all find a bit of a mess somewhere in there. While I learned that I need to advocate for myself and ask for what I need, I also was reminded that not many people are willing to be by my side when I am struggling. I remember this lesson so well, that I have that mask at hand whenever I need it… even to this day.

These days, as I work through the grief I have been experiencing with losing Dobby, I find myself leaning heavily into wearing that mask to get through each day. I remind myself that I have a duty to fulfill. I need to show up to my job and provide for myself and for my other two pets. I also am leaning on the sense of normalcy that going to work gives me. It’s something that doesn’t change and will always be there to anchor all of the chaos that’s going on around me. To be honest, wearing my mask of competence and feigned strength has grounded me to a routine that keeps me from spinning too far out of control.

I decided that I need to take off my mask for just a moment and allow myself the space to let out some of these feelings.

Not a moment goes by where it doesn’t feel a little bit like I’m running out of air. Every time I think about how abruptly everything has changed it feels like a punch to the stomach. I have relived that last moment when I stroked Dobby’s head as she left this world possibly a thousand times. Each time, I internally let out that gasp I let out when the doctor informed us that Dobby’s heart had stopped. Sometimes I hope that if I relive it enough that it will finally not hurt as much as it does. But every time, it hurts like it’s happening right before my eyes.

Every time I wake up, the first thought that hits me is that she’s not here. I have to tell myself that no one is meant to be here forever, but it just doesn’t quite make sense to me. I have gone through the stages, especially the stage of denial and anger over and over. These stages are not linear and I have gone through all of them multiple times over. I am, quite frankly, sick of it. But I have to keep feeling and processing because I do not want to be stuck here in the anger stage forever.

For the sake of everyone around me, I keep my head up and I keep on moving. I know that I have every right to continue to feel sad and be sad. But I also know that there may, one day, be a day where all of this will feel a little less raw and fresh. I really do want to look toward the future, as Dobby would always do. But man, I wish I could stay living in those moments where Dobby was happy, healthy, and alive. I truly would give anything to go on one more walk with her, give her one more treat to her, and get one more kiss from her. But that’s not how life works. No matter how much you love someone or something, there will always come a time where you will have to say good-bye and there’s nothing that we can do once that time has come and gone.

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Life Update: Where I’ve Been

It’s been about 2 months since my last post… and I have so many partly finished posts just sitting in my drafts folder.

It’s been such a whirlwind over the last few months, and I wanted to take some time to update (for those that care) on what has been going down in my life, and how that has affected me on my mental health journey.

First of all, I moved to another city to start a new job for the 2022-2023 school year. This move has been so highly anticipated for me and my tiny fur family. We were moving back to Gyeongsangnam-do and to the city where my journey here in Korea began. I only spent a little more than a year away, and I missed it so much. Moving back meant that I was going to be closer to my partner and his family. My support system would be stronger here. The hustle and bustle of the move left me with little time to start or finish up any posts. Honestly, the first month back in town was busy and full of friends and reunions.

After two years of dodging it, I finally caught COVID-19. I finished up the month of March under quarantine. You would think that would give me plenty of time to work on content… but I, unfortunately, dealt with some pretty debilitating symptoms during the first 5 days of quarantine. I was severely congested and fatigued. I was constantly shifting myself to get comfortable enough for a few winks of sleep. Overall, self-isolation wasn’t all too bad. I was a bit lonely, but my three little fur children kept me company.

During the second week of April, my younger dog, Dobby, suffered a second injury in her spine. She had previously suffered from IVDD (Intervertebral Disc Disease) and underwent surgery at the end of 2021. A second injury is not uncommon, but it was totally unexpected for us. We had moved to a home with an elevator, and she had been doing so well in terms of fitness and mobility. We had an MRI done 2 days after she began to show signs of injury, and we found that not only had 2 discs ruptured, but there were signs of myelomalacia. Myelomalacia is a rare condition that can occur when a dog has IVDD and an injury. Essentially, it is the softening (or death) of the spinal cord. The prognosis is not good, but the only hope she had for recovering was undergoing another IVDD surgery. The surgery and stem cell treatment slowed down the myelomalacia progression, but could not stop it. We lost Dobby on April 20th, 2022.

Quite frankly, I have not been well. I suppose it is to be expected. I have dealt with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks for years. I, honestly, have never had to deal with grief like this. The sheer shock of losing my youngest dog, who was only 4 years old, has been rough but I would do it all again if I had the chance. Dobby is and will always be such a special part of my life and heart. I am so lucky to have had the honor to be her momma.

In dealing with grief, I have realized that writing and expressing has helped me feel so much better. I am so grateful to the support system I have with my partner and all of my wonderful friends. I am grateful, but I miss this space and sharing my thoughts and experiences in this crazy journey. For now, I am back. I hope to continue to put out content that speaks to others and their experiences as well.

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End of the School Year

Here in Korea, the school year begins in March. February is usually a month where a lot of schools are wrapping up and preparing for graduations or the next school year.

This is the first contract I have had in Korea that spans the entirety of a school year (from beginning to end). I have always worked at private academies that have teachers starting and ending throughout the year. I have worked for after school academies that are always accepting students on a rolling basis. There’s no real “intake” season and it never really feels like an “academic year” since the kids are all mixed based on skill level.

This is also my first year working as a kindergarten teacher. I got to be the homeroom teacher for my own class, and I got to be the co-teacher for a different class. It has been an absolute joy watching these little tots grow, and I have learned so much and have had such a fun year.

I think I’ve really found a fun age group to work with. I had to learn how to communicate and be an effective teacher with the younger ones. I gained so many new teaching skills. I got to see noticeable growth and improvement in their skills in reading, speaking, writing, and comprehension.

Most of all, I learned where to draw the line professionally. I learned how to take on exactly what I could and that I didn’t need to take on more to prove anything to anyone. Previously, I worked for a company that was highly competitive and pitched teachers against each other in surveys and performance reviews. While that kind of environment drove me to strive for excellence, I eventually realized that the motivation behind it all was misplaced. I’m teaching them for them not for me. Finding a place where it was easier to do this without feeling miserable was key.

I’m so excited to continue learning more about teaching this age group as I move on to a new position. I have decided to move back to the city that I was originally placed in when I first moved to Korea in order to be closer to my partner and his family. My job here, in Daegu, has been a great experience. Living in Daegu has been a blast, but it’s time to go back to the place where I fell in love with life here. It’s time to find a better balance between work and life.

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Late Night Thoughts: New Bed, New Me

Over the last year, I have been struggling immensely with sleep. I have always struggled with sleep, but this year has been especially taxing. I use my Apple Watch to track my sleep patterns and noticed a steady trend of sleeping about 4 hours a night. On good nights, I can squeeze in 5 hours.

Lack of sleep left me feeling exhausted and miserable. I was obsessed with sleep but couldn’t stay asleep.

Well? All of that has changed as of 2 weeks ago. I invested in a new mattress. I know, this is something simple that every adult should invest in. However, most of the company housing that I have lived at has provided me with a bed. I usually deal with the bed no matter how much discomfort it gives me. I never realized the importance of a mattress that meets my needs. I was always just grateful to have a bed that I didn’t have to buy.

However, I have been slowly getting more and more comfortable with the idea that I will likely not leave Korea and that I can start putting down a few roots (in the form of a bed). I guess this post is more of a celebration of finally admitting that I have found a place that I feel at home in.

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Psychosomatic Symptoms

For as long as I can remember, I have not felt 100% physically. I honestly can’t remember the last time that I felt energetic, happy, and healthy. I have definitely felt one or two of those things, but I can’t remember the last time I felt all three.

For a while, I searched for a physical reason why I physically felt so crappy. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that a doctor looked into my mental health as a reason why I felt the way I felt. Here are some of the ways that physical symptoms crop up when I am experiencing depressive or anxious episodes.

Headaches/Migraines

I started experiencing headaches and fogginess during high school. I admit that I didn’t have great attendance during that time of my life. I missed the absolute maximum number of days that I could without seeing my grades suffer. I couldn’t really explain why I felt sick so often, but there were so many days where I felt like I couldn’t possibly lift my head up from my bed. A general heaviness in my head that caused a bit of fogginess and confusion plagued my years of high school. Once I ran out of missed days to burn, I would force myself to go to school completely dissociated. Outwardly, I displayed a chipper and happy-go-lucky persona. Inwardly, I couldn’t feel much. Everything felt like an act that I was doing on autopilot. I didn’t have the vocabulary to advocate for myself. I didn’t have the awareness to admit that I was depressed.

I became intimately acquainted with migraines later on in high school and during university. They would hit me at the end of a long day. It was almost as if the migraines served as an anchor to bring me back to Earth from a day of dissociation. They were horrible. They were likely brought on by a lack of sleep, dehydration, and hunger. All of those things a result of depression.

Stomach Issues

I have always described my gut as “sensitive.” I have very real and very physical reactions to anxiety. Feeling “butterflies” in my stomach is a very nice way to describe an upset stomach brought on by my nerves. During especially anxious periods, I have sharp pains in my stomach that result in indigestion or diarrhea. Nothing feels good to eat. My appetite is ruined. The hunger that results from a low appetite becomes a vicious cycle of feeling anxiety due to being physically hungry.

Neck and Shoulder Pain

For as long as I can remember, I have been tense in my neck and shoulders. I find myself clenching when I am anxious and slouching in order to minimize my body when I feel depressed. This pain contributes to the constant and general discomfort I feel on a daily basis.

Rapid Heartbeat and Shortness of Breath

Panic attacks really showcase this very physical symptom. I have confused panic attack symptoms for an actual heart attack. I still remember the first time I really experienced being unable to take a deep breath. It has been a long time since I have experienced a panic attack, but the aftermath of a panic attack brings on many of the above symptoms as well.

If you are also struggling to find the reason for your very real and very physical symptoms, discuss exploring mental health issues with a physician and mental health professional.

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Secretly Self-Destructive Behaviors

Trigger Warning: Discussion of disordered eating, body image, and suicidal ideations.

I have been taking a look at some of the behaviors that aren’t the most adaptive when it comes to my mental health. Over the years, I’ve developed a lot of habits that seem to be comforting and acts of self-care on the outside, but actually tore me apart on the inside.

The “Treat Yourself” Mentality – Sometimes, it really is necessary to treat yourself after a hard day. My therapist and I used to discuss promising myself a “treat” after a particularly hard therapy session. However, my “treat yourself” mentality became maladaptive when my moods dipped to an all-time low. Like many people, I would treat myself to an unhealthy or large meal in order to get a small boost of serotonin. This always came at the price of immense guilt and physical discomfort from stuffing myself full of food. It eventually morphed into full-on binge eating and regular purging. I would justify ordering a large meal by telling myself that the day was hard, and that I “need” the food. I would eat until I was uncomfortably full. The discomfort and guilt would be so great that purging would seem like the only solution. Except it’s not and it only served to make me feel worse. What started as simple self-care turned into disordered eating and severe body image issues.

Over-Exercising – Before the pandemic, I turned into a bit of a gym rat. I actually have had a few cycles of extreme fitness obsession that eventually leave me burnt out and in a state of fitness apathy. The hardest part of exercising is doing it regularly. It usually takes about 3 weeks to create a good habit. Upon reflection on my emotional past, I have noticed that my obsession with the gym or fitness almost always coincided with particularly traumatic events. It became an escape. For two or three hours a day, I get to disappear into the anonymity of the gym, the yoga studio, or the fitness class. I got to not speak to anyone (if I didn’t want to) and all I needed to focus on was surviving the workout. The serotonin boost afterward was always phenomenal. The tingly burn in my muscles helped me get to sleep. What could go wrong? So much. My obsession with exercise pre-pandemic had me at the gym 6 or 7 days a week. No rest… dumb, I know. I would make conscious efforts on weekends or even weekdays to give myself a break day. The stillness meant that I would, inevitably, need to face my demons. During these times of extreme anxiety and uncertainty, I always opted for disappearing into the gym instead. Eventually, I started to not perform as well physically. I couldn’t wind down at night and experienced severe insomnia. My body was often in immense physical pain due to not resting my muscles. I was miserable, but I couldn’t stop because it had become so instinctual to go do something at the gym when I wasn’t doing well emotionally. That’s called avoidance.

Filling up my social calendar – I’ve always been a bit of an introvert. I find that when I am at an emotional low, I tend to fill up my social calendar so that I don’t have time to feel. While being sociable does give me a bit of a serotonin boost, it wears me out. Putting on a positive face for extended periods of time can be detrimental. Sometimes, I get so used to being in front of others that I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m alone. Alone time is good. Embrace it.

Not saying ‘no.’ – As a recovering people pleaser, it’s often really difficult to say no. In order to avoid the discomfort of saying no to someone, I’ll take on the discomfort of saying yes. Saying yes despite your own needs can breed resentment. You’re teaching yourself that you are not as much of a priority as others.

These habits or behaviors may have come about in order to adapt to difficult times, but have led to some seriously self-destructive cycles.

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You Don’t Need To Be Better

During the first few days of a new year, I have been seeing so many “motivational posts” on how to “elevate” yourself in this new year. “Falling back” or “regression” is frowned upon in today’s culture of toxic positivity. “Good vibes only” going into 2022. All of these messages can be so harmful for those suffering from mental health issues or loss. The expectation to “grow” and “improve” your experience with mental health can be crushing. For those that are dealing with grief, the pressure to “move on” and “get over it” can feel so invalidating. I have seen so many people that I know experience one of the toughest years of their lives. If you are someone that is struggling… remember that you are allowed to take up the space and time that you need to process your emotions.

When I met my current partner, I was stepping into a phase in my life where I could recognize that I had made a lot of progress. In the last year, I have accomplished so much and my partner reminds me of how much I’ve grown regularly. Even so, I still feel an immense amount of pressure to become better.

On New Year’s Eve, my partner and I were having a late night heart-to-heart. He reminded me that he was so proud of me for overcoming so much and living so fully. It felt good to be recognized, but I immediately began putting myself down. “Well, yeah, but I still wake up feeling down often. I sometimes still wish I didn’t exist. I still find myself crying in the shower after a tough day. Many of these mornings have been spent dreading work and the day to come. I just need to keep becoming better. I need to get better.” My partner simply looked at me and said, “You don’t need to be better. You are already great. Your biggest problem isn’t that you are depressed or have anxiety. That is fine and just a part of your life experience. What is a problem is that you don’t recognize that you are amazing. You are everything you need to be for yourself.” I did not realize how much I needed to hear that.

Of course, it’s important to address and work on mental health issues. Healing is a work in progress that doesn’t always happen in a linear fashion. It’s ok to slow down and it’s ok to “regress” a bit. The most important thing is to recognize that you are enough. I am not sure where I’ve heard this, but: “You are somebody else’s goals.” The life you’re living, your personality, and your achievements are somebody else’s dream life. Try to look at yourself through the eyes of someone that looks up to you. You don’t need to be better.

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