getting help – Turbulent Mind

January 27, 2020January 27, 2020

One day at a time…

Today has been a little bit of a journey for me. I’ve been feeling very physically ill, and terrified that it was the Wuhan Coronavirus. I know, I know… health anxiety is a real thing and I should stop Googling symptoms. I stopped by the hospital to get checked, and they don’t seem to concerned. Of course, that’s not how anxiety works. I’m still terrified.

Aside from taking care of myself, I have also been sorting through a lot of thoughts this evening. I had planned on doing this, as I mentioned in my last post. It’s my last day of a long holiday weekend and I have been thinking and sorting through a lot of the anxiety, sadness, and fears that I’ve been setting aside because I have been too tired, overwhelmed and anxious to deal with my stuff. Here are some things I’ve sorted through, and some things that I have realized through the last few weeks.

The winter months are packed full of holidays, and I’ve been experiencing some serious sadness and loneliness on an almost monthly basis. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Lunar New Year are all holidays I enjoy spending with my family and friends. I missed out on so many things and I know it’s my own damn fault. I chose to come out here, why? Why did I choose to come out here if I get so sad when I can’t be with people that I love on important days. My anxiety kind of overflows during this time, as my family and loved ones are too busy to communicate and update me. I feel like their lives are flying by while my life is sitting at a standstill waiting for news and updates about their lives. I am justifiably sad/down in the dumps. Even though I have been feeling a little bit sad about things like missing my family, significant other, and friends. I understand that being far apart doesn’t mean that I am not loved and not important. Realizing this and working through the rationalizing has helped me feel a lot less anguished.

Another feeling I’ve been working through is absolute exhaustion from work. It’s really hard to stop myself from criticizing my decisions to come back to a job that does get extremely busy during the winter and summer seasons. There is a fine line between being extremely busy and burnt out. I could feel everyone around me slowly cross that line and enter “burnt out.” And, to be honest, I was getting secondhand burnout and anxiety. “Did I make the right choice to come back?” and “Is this a toxic environment for me?” are thoughts that I actively tried to avoid thinking about during the busy times for self preservation. I know that I enjoy my work immensely. Seeing the kids learn makes me happy. The environment can be what I make it, and I can choose to let the energy of others ruin the experience for me, or I can choose to focus on my own emotions and how I feel.

There have been a lot of days where I did not want to wake up in the morning. I go to bed hoping that I won’t have to wake up the next day. I think about all of the other days to follow and I’m overwhelmed by the weight of the future. I think about all of the things I want to do but haven’t. Before I have even begun the day, I’ve already set myself up for failure. I’ve already set myself up for a day of hopelessness and sadness.

Now that I’ve spent the entire day contemplating what to do with some of these negative and unhelpful emotions and thoughts, I definitely need an action plan to deal with some of the negative and intrusive anxious thoughts. Recently, I’ve been really enjoying a Podcast that brought me a lot of strength today. The Tablo Podcast has helped me see a lot of things about dealing with depression. I really need to take each day, one day at a time. I need to complete thought processes and dealing with my feelings one day at a time. As much as I’d like to just push some of the things off for an “easier” or another day, I really do need to address the day’s feelings on the day so that I don’t carry the day’s weight on me.

Through listening to the podcast I’ve felt a little less alone, as there have been so many moments of “Ahah! I’ve felt exactly the same!” As he describes moments in his life and his own struggle with depression.

A lot of things have been difficult these days, and I know that they can continue being a challenge, but I’m determined to make the best of things and to better my mental health. Every New Year, people make “New Years Resolutions” to be a better version of themselves. I’ve said before that setting a resolution for the year can often mean setting yourself up for failure. So, like Tablo says, I’m gonna make a day resolution for every day of something attainable.

For tomorrow, Tuesday, my resolution is to wake up at a decent hour and do some work around the house before heading to work. And each day, I will need to take all of the emotions and events of the day, and properly address them. No more putting it off for later.

December 31, 2019

Weighted Blankets are the best

I have heard so many good things about weighted blankets for people with GAD or Panic Disorder. I’ve heard that they help calm nighttime anxiety and help with falling asleep. I didn’t really believe all of this until I got Dobby. I like to call her my weighted pillow. She often sleeps on top of my legs or stomach, easily putting on an extra 14 pounds to my body. I sleep really well with her laying on me. And this may just be a coincidence, but she often hops on top of me when I wake up in a panic and kind of knead her paws on my chest, arms, or stomach. While my boyfriend was visiting he remarked on how she’s kind of like a weighted blanket, which must have inspired my Christmas present this year. It has done wonders to my sleep and mood. I’ve said before that my insomnia has a huge influence on my moods. So, of course, with better quality sleep, I’ve had more stability in my moods.

First of all, I have a 15 pound Queen sized blanket from Weighted Idea. This is pretty ideal for me since I often find myself underneath my dogs as well, which easily adds another 15 pounds. I believe he bought it on Amazon. The best thing about it is that it looks great with or without a duvet cover! It can be machine washed, air dried, and it’s just the right size for my bed.

Now, enough raving about the blanket itself. My sleep has gotten significantly better. Within 15 to 20 minutes after getting under the blanket, I begin to feel drowsy. The weight feels kind of like a hug and it just makes me feel safe and tucked in. I sleep more pleasantly, and the weight seems to calm me as the thoughts race.

Panic attack wake ups have dropped significantly in the past few weeks. Previously, I would have several panic attacks a night while sleeping, but, I’ve seen less and less of that with my blanket. I wake up feeling more refreshed, and I wake up less often during the night as well. The last panic attack I had was when I didn’t have the weighted blanket on me, because one of the dogs vomited on it during the day. The difference between having it and not having it was significant.

I know there may be a possibility for a placebo effect but if you’re struggling with falling and staying asleep, investing in a weighted blanket may really help. But I always suggest people to see a doctor about any symptoms of sleeplessness. Many people that I’ve spoken to have expressed their frustrations on how they do not get enough or good quality sleep. It’s a frustration that I share, and admittedly, must be medicated for. Prolonged sleeplessness or poor sleep quality was so detrimental to me, that I wasn’t able to handle the slightest amount of stress or difficult emotions.

Another way that I have improved my sleep quality is applying blue light filter

December 3, 2019December 4, 2019

The Day I Decided Enough Was Enough

I studied Psychology, as well as Asian Literature and Languages during school. My intimate relationship between understanding the human mind and also the culture of my surroundings tore me apart as I overthought what would “getting help” actually mean here in Korea. I had no idea. Although I have lived here on and off since 2014, it had never been this bad. I had never felt this unstable. I had never felt so lost.

The day I decided enough was enough was another day where my boyfriend and I were trying our best to adjust to our long distance situation and have a “date.” We spend hours doing an activity together, and talking. At this point, it was a 50/50 chance that the date ends in a disagreement or in total disaster where some insecurity, some fear, some sort of overthought belief would consume and take over what was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon together. At the worst of my anxiety, I thought to myself, “Wow, how much longer until I lose it again? How much more can we hang on to this if I can’t even hang onto myself?” And with every passing day, I felt like I was losing myself to panic and anxiety more and more.

That Sunday was a normal Sunday. It was a beautiful spring day, and I remember observing that the cherry blossoms were hanging on to their last thread. I remember looking out the window as I slowly spun out of control. I started to unravel, and the moment it starts to unravel, it feels as if I float out and away from myself. Depersonalization. Heading down that nasty road of not being connected but still aware, my boyfriend started to argue with me, and eventually pleaded with me to please, find help, he was going to go to lunch with my family, and if I couldn’t find help, he’d take matters into his own hands, and get me some help int he form of an intervention involving my family. Boom. Lost it. I remember hanging up and I remember desperately trying to hang on to my control as I spun out again and again, falling over, and knocking into my furniture. I stumbled around my little apartment as if I was a zombie. Trying to find a way to stop the panic and finding nothing, panicking further. I remember begging him not to tell my family of my struggles, I remember telling them I don’t want them to worry. He said that it wasn’t about them worrying about me, it was about me getting better and help, and I needed it. I hung up again feeling that same feeling of needed relief from the panic and being wracked with guilt.

Now, the worst thing about describing all this is that I know where it’s going. Having been very interested in the human mind, I think I know a bit too much about it for my own good. Self-harm is not a fun route to go down, especially for someone who knows that it does nothing but make you feel worse than before. And it’s an uncomfortable place that my mind, admittedly does go to during panic mode. I am full of guilt and shame for what I have done to myself during these panic attacks, but I’ve been told that I should not be afraid to talk about it. I should not be silenced because this is a real, actual thought that comes into my mind. At the height of my panic in the early Spring, I remember thinking “The only way to stop this panic, is to distract myself with another sensation.” Self-harm isn’t always in the form of slashing and cutting, for me… when I am anxious I beat my hands and fists into my wall, until the feeling of pain overcomes the feeling of my heart that is about to burst out of my chest. It became a habit. Bruises on my knuckles, swollen hands. And on that Sunday when I looked down at my hands in panic and all I saw was purple, blue, and green bruises around my fingers and knuckles… I knew my boyfriend was right. There is something terribly wrong, and I can’t pretend to be strong enough to do it alone.

First thing I did was I picked up my phone, and I called my Dad. He is, admittedly, the only person I want to talk to when everything goes wrong. I told him, “Dad, I’m scared, and I’m not happy. I am not well. I need to get help, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do it, and I’m scared.” Between all the sobbing, all my father could say was to tell me to come back home. I knew that wasn’t the solution. Going home wouldn’t solve the problem that anxiety had taken the driver’s seat of my life, and going home to hide in my parent’s house and “take a break” from working would solve nothing. I knew it would probably just reinforce the idea that when shit gets tough, I can just retreat and ignore it, and it’ll go away.

Enough was enough. I hit the Internet and typed out my first e-mail for consultation at an office in Seoul. The first step was to see if this was even going to be possible, but it was a step in the right direction.