Tag: difficult times

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Productivity Shame

2020 was a rough year for a lot of people. A lot of us experienced disruptions in our professional and personal lives. This disruption has forced so many people to work in their homes. It’s also forced people out of their jobs. While I was lucky to not experience much of either of these things, I have recently caught myself in a negative feedback loop. In this loop, I constantly berate myself for a lack of “productivity.” This lack of productivity I’ve been experiencing has been through an active choice to embrace stillness by taking a school term off before jumping into a new job at a new school here in Daegu, South Korea.

I started out 2021 thinking of all of the changes that I have experienced in the last year. I thought about how many things I have completely turned around and I was able to give myself a few pats on the back. But why did I still end up feeling so shitty on most days? Why was I constantly feeling shame for not “doing enough” during my days?

I feel that the reason I am able to clearly see the mechanism in which productivity shaming truly brings a person down is due to the fact that I simply don’t have many obligations at this moment in time. Therefore, any “productiveness” that I perceive is necessary is actually not necessary at all. I literally have nothing that I have to do besides eat, walk the dogs, feed the dogs and cat, and clean the cat’s litter box. Technically, if I wanted to lay in bed all day and sleep, I had no obligations to stop me. Yet, I found myself feeling tired, hopeless, and full of self hatred.

I began to go into productivity overdrive a few weeks back. I scheduled every hour of my day to include some kind of activity. I started working out, studying Korean, walking the dogs 5 times a day, and reading. I even planned out exactly when I was going to prepare my meals and how long my meals must take. The first day was great. I finished everything. I felt this little high off of my accomplishments. I proceeded to try to pack the next day in the same way. While I succeeded, I found myself absolutely drained and exhausted from all of the hours I was devoting to studying and working out.

Ten or so days passed and I woke up this past Wednesday and felt absolutely hopeless. I was doing so many things, but I didn’t want to do any of them that day. I let my alerts on my watch and phone ring. Every time I swiped them away, I felt like a piece of crap. Feeling exhausted was getting to me. My insomnia was and still has been out of control. I was running on 4 hours of sleep every day and not allowing myself to rest was catching up to me. Yet, that Wednesday was not restful. I laid in bed, awake, frustrated and full of self-hate. Why couldn’t I just get my lazy ass up and do the stuff I’ve been doing every day?

I had completely depleted myself and instead of allowing myself to take a break on reaching these expectations, I mentally berated myself for being a “failure.” The guilt and the belief that you are not enough can be extremely taxing. That Wednesday stretched onto Thursday. Somewhere between Thursday and today, I finally figured out why I was “stuck” in this loop. I was setting expectations and goals that were so specific and grueling that I was setting myself up for failure.

You see, productivity shaming is an internal battle you fight with your perfectionist self. The self that sets these goals doesn’t have “happy, healthy, balanced” you in mind. It has the “cracked out, stressed, gotta survive” you in mind. It pushes you to the limit because perfectionist you was created under extreme scrutiny and stress. Your perfectionist self has served you well, and has likely helped you in many of your successes. However, the reality is that we can’t always be in “perfectionist” or “go, go, go” mode.

On Wednesday, when I woke up with the “fuck this and everything on the list” feeling, my mind and body was telling me, “Girl, it’s time to go easy on yourself today.” The checklists and reminders from perfectionist me were there to remind me of how I continue to set unrealistic goals for myself despite how badly I feel when I don’t meet them.

So, between Thursday and this moment, I’ve been working out how I can reconcile these parts of me. I reminded myself that it’s ok to not do everything on my checklist down to the amount of time I have allotted. I began to adjust my tasks from having allotted time slots to simply being a loose list of things that I’ll attempt during the day. I also broke down my list into “obligations” and “desires.” The obligations were simply to get out of the house twice a day for at least 30 minutes each time to walk the dogs. I tried to keep each of the lists manageable.

On Friday, I woke up in a pain flare-up from a condition I was diagnosed with a few years back. It’s called interstitial cystitis, which causes bladder pain/UTI-like symptoms in the absence of any actual infection. There’s limited knowledge on the condition and after many tests and scans, I was diagnosed with it based off of the fact that I was not diagnosed with other conditions that exhibit similar symptoms. I often have pain flare-ups during especially depressive/anxious times, and it’s just icing on the cake. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, is my body trying to tell me something?”

I recently saw a quote on Instagram that said something along the lies of, “If you’re guilting and shaming yourself while you are resting, then it isn’t really rest. If you feel exhausted after resting, then that’s a sign that you weren’t truly resting at all.” It’s definitely not the exact quote, but the gist of it is there. My body was telling me, “Girl, you aren’t resting enough. You aren’t giving your body what it needs while you can and your mind is making yourself feel like shit while you’re telling yourself to rest.”

If anyone else can relate to a chronic feeling of not “doing enough” please reach out. I’d love your insight on how you deal with this never-ending feeling that you should be busy with something at all times. How do I embrace stillness and rest? How do I get the most out of it when my mind/body seems to reject simple acts of rest such as sleep?

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Mental Health Challenge – Day 7

Day 7 – Clean our your social media feed

I did this a few weeks ago when the COVID19 situation was at its peak here in Korea. I was getting so much negative news, so much dismissal from people back home in the US. “Stop spreading panic, you’re young and you’re going to be fine.” My social media was flooded with racist, Asians eating bats, and anti-Chinese “jokes.” It hurt.

As an Asian-American currently living in Asia, I am not experiencing the first hand discrimination that my fellow Asian-Americans must be feeling back home. I am very thankful the government here acted upon the outbreak immediately, and that people are mostly cooperative in the social distancing movement.

Back to social media. I have completely cut Facebook out, and I use only the Messenger function. I stick to Instagram and have begun to really narrow my feed down to people, things, and topics I truly enjoy. It has truly helped my mental health and helped me keep myself in a mostly good headspace. It wasn’t really challenging, just sort of sad. Even with Instagram, I’ve been trying to limit the endless scrolling. I know that during this time of lockdown, it’s hard not to dive deeply into the Internet and scroll through other people’s lives endlessly… but taking a look at what type of information you follow can help make that scrolling a more uplifting experience.

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Coronavirus – Part 3

At the end of February, Korea was hit hard with COVID-19. Schools, restaurants, academies, cafes all shut down. We were effectively under the “Stay at Home” advisory until early March. After about 2 weeks, our academy had to get innovative to keep students and to keep paychecks going out to teachers. We started teaching on Zoom.

I’ve heard mixed things about the experiences on Zoom, and while I don’t mind doing it, I absolutely hate that it’s become the new normal. 2 weeks has turned into 4 weeks of online teaching. And, I’m a bit afraid that Zoom teaching will replace all of us, and they’ll just send us all home. For Korean parents, nothing quite replaces in person teaching, but they’re all cooperating and trying to do this for their kids. I deeply fear that 4 weeks of a delay in the new school year will extend.

However, I am proud of how my second home is receiving international recognition for their absolutely outstanding response to this pandemic. Recently, our new cases per day has really flat-lined, as full recoveries are increasing by the day. Masks were required to enter most public places, and hand sanitizer were also very widely used. The government has begun to control the number of masks each resident can buy per week, and so far this has controlled the issue of price gouging and hoarding. And now, when I leave the house without one… it feels like I forgot to put on underwear, or pants.

Taken from Worldometers.info’s COVID-19 Korean stats

Last Sunday evening, I received a massive amount of Emergency Alerts about the newest COVID-19 patient in my city. With around 1,000,000 people living in this city, we have 91 confirmed patients. The most recent patient and I crossed paths the weekend before I went back to work (teaching online using office equipment, but no students present). I went to a fairly abandoned mall to make a quick run to buy some clothes for work. Of all the times I decided to deviate from my normal weekend of stay home, binge netflix, order COVID-19 safe delivery food and then head to a dog cafe that has been quite empty since the virus started, I crossed paths with patient #27. I likely was not even in close proximity with the patient in the rather large and open aired mall, but the tiny risk was there. I felt ok on Sunday, which quickly took a turn for the worst by Monday morning. I woke up with muscle soreness, chills, a cough, and some difficulty making deep inhalations.

The Korean staff made a quick Monday morning decision to send me, and my friend, Adam, who was with me when “exposed” to get the test. The process was simple. Medical tents set up outside the hospital took each step to help get my condition correct. Chest x-rays were taken, and then the COVID-19 swab tests were taken as well. They asked me for a phone number to call about results as soon as they open in the morning, and I was on my way with a few symptom relievers prescribed to me. We were told by our manager to self-quarantine for the day until results came in. With the National Health Insurance program qualifying me as a priority for the test, I paid a co-pay of $15 and the rest of the $130 was on my insurance.

Luckily, my results came back positive (and by this I mean I’m negative for COVID19, sorry for confusion), but at this point my conditions worsened. I had a fever, a sorer throat, more coughing, and severe sinus congestion. The medications did not appear to work. And my work was, again, urging me to get another test due to false negatives that sometimes occur during the beginning of symptoms showing. I went to an ENT (Eyes, Nose, Throat) Doctor to hone in on my symptoms. He was reluctant at first, and suggested I get a re-test. but decided to take a look at me… well, because other illnesses that could seriously affect your health exist, despite the pandemic.

I went home after a swab of my throat and nose. No influenzas. But a possibility of tonsillitis. I was to come in for another check up the next day. After a pain reliever and fever reducer injection, I was sent straight home to teach a bit from home.

And, yo, I have tonsillitis, which has my work requesting that I stay home from work until next Wednesday (a week from the day of my diagnosis), and to rest. I’m so grateful for how much my work family has been supporting me… Between my visit to the hospital on Monday, teaching my regular hours from home on Tuesday, psychiatrist visit and teaching from home on Wednesday, and an actual day’s rest on Thursday after my clinic visit, I ended the week with teaching my regular hours online. Resting properly has been difficult, but I am mostly feeling gradually better.

Self-quarantine does do things to disrupt your normal. While I see a lot of people “social-distancing” on instagram back home. I’d like to re-iterate, please, wash your hands, cough away from other people, and I hope that everyone stays safe. I know in the States, y’all don’t wear masks. So, stay away from people when you have any symptoms.

As the situation has calmed down here, I am hoping to be able to be more productive, lessen my depression, and alleviate my anxiety regarding being out in public.

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One day at a time…

Today has been a little bit of a journey for me. I’ve been feeling very physically ill, and terrified that it was the Wuhan Coronavirus. I know, I know… health anxiety is a real thing and I should stop Googling symptoms. I stopped by the hospital to get checked, and they don’t seem to concerned. Of course, that’s not how anxiety works. I’m still terrified.

Aside from taking care of myself, I have also been sorting through a lot of thoughts this evening. I had planned on doing this, as I mentioned in my last post. It’s my last day of a long holiday weekend and I have been thinking and sorting through a lot of the anxiety, sadness, and fears that I’ve been setting aside because I have been too tired, overwhelmed and anxious to deal with my stuff. Here are some things I’ve sorted through, and some things that I have realized through the last few weeks.

The winter months are packed full of holidays, and I’ve been experiencing some serious sadness and loneliness on an almost monthly basis. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Lunar New Year are all holidays I enjoy spending with my family and friends. I missed out on so many things and I know it’s my own damn fault. I chose to come out here, why? Why did I choose to come out here if I get so sad when I can’t be with people that I love on important days. My anxiety kind of overflows during this time, as my family and loved ones are too busy to communicate and update me. I feel like their lives are flying by while my life is sitting at a standstill waiting for news and updates about their lives. I am justifiably sad/down in the dumps. Even though I have been feeling a little bit sad about things like missing my family, significant other, and friends. I understand that being far apart doesn’t mean that I am not loved and not important. Realizing this and working through the rationalizing has helped me feel a lot less anguished.

Another feeling I’ve been working through is absolute exhaustion from work. It’s really hard to stop myself from criticizing my decisions to come back to a job that does get extremely busy during the winter and summer seasons. There is a fine line between being extremely busy and burnt out. I could feel everyone around me slowly cross that line and enter “burnt out.” And, to be honest, I was getting secondhand burnout and anxiety. “Did I make the right choice to come back?” and “Is this a toxic environment for me?” are thoughts that I actively tried to avoid thinking about during the busy times for self preservation. I know that I enjoy my work immensely. Seeing the kids learn makes me happy. The environment can be what I make it, and I can choose to let the energy of others ruin the experience for me, or I can choose to focus on my own emotions and how I feel.

There have been a lot of days where I did not want to wake up in the morning. I go to bed hoping that I won’t have to wake up the next day. I think about all of the other days to follow and I’m overwhelmed by the weight of the future. I think about all of the things I want to do but haven’t. Before I have even begun the day, I’ve already set myself up for failure. I’ve already set myself up for a day of hopelessness and sadness.

Now that I’ve spent the entire day contemplating what to do with some of these negative and unhelpful emotions and thoughts, I definitely need an action plan to deal with some of the negative and intrusive anxious thoughts. Recently, I’ve been really enjoying a Podcast that brought me a lot of strength today. The Tablo Podcast has helped me see a lot of things about dealing with depression. I really need to take each day, one day at a time. I need to complete thought processes and dealing with my feelings one day at a time. As much as I’d like to just push some of the things off for an “easier” or another day, I really do need to address the day’s feelings on the day so that I don’t carry the day’s weight on me.

Through listening to the podcast I’ve felt a little less alone, as there have been so many moments of “Ahah! I’ve felt exactly the same!” As he describes moments in his life and his own struggle with depression.

A lot of things have been difficult these days, and I know that they can continue being a challenge, but I’m determined to make the best of things and to better my mental health. Every New Year, people make “New Years Resolutions” to be a better version of themselves. I’ve said before that setting a resolution for the year can often mean setting yourself up for failure. So, like Tablo says, I’m gonna make a day resolution for every day of something attainable.

For tomorrow, Tuesday, my resolution is to wake up at a decent hour and do some work around the house before heading to work. And each day, I will need to take all of the emotions and events of the day, and properly address them. No more putting it off for later.

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Giant Potholes

I’m currently going through what I wish I could call a “little bump in the road” in my mental health journey. It really actually feels like a giant pothole that causes your tire to go flat. You have to pull off to the side of the road, but you have no idea how to change a flat. So you panic. You panic because you’re like, “Shit… I’ve been driving for so long, and I seriously don’t know how I can possibly fix this. I need help.” Anyways, you get the metaphor.

To be honest, I don’t really know what triggered this particular slump. It may have been extreme fatigue and stress from work. It may be loneliness. It may be seasonal depression. I have no idea. All I know is that it was preceded with a feeling of happiness and completion. I was previously feeling socially, emotionally and mentally fulfilled. I was feeling complete and happy. I was feeling so confident in how things were going, and that things were going in a positive direction. I may have been riding on the “New Year, New Me” feeling I had at the start of 2020. Even though I know that phrase is completely bull shit. A more accurate saying would be “New Year, Gotta Keep Dealing With the Shit from Last Year.” Unfortunately, you don’t get a “reset” button on January 1st.

Anyways, when I started hitting this slump, I kind of expected it would happen. My eyes opened last Monday morning and I felt a massive weight on my chest. It weighed me down but also made me feel extremely anxious about what was to come. I remember picking up the phone and trying to have a conversation with my boyfriend, but I wasn’t really in a good head space to hold a conversation. I was not confident in myself and I was not confident in my place in the world. I felt like I had no energy to lift myself with the weight on my shoulders. Every day of the last week or two have been progressively heavier.

Now, I have recently come back from a very short overnight trip to one of my favorite places in Korea. I love going to Gyeongju, because it reminds me of home in a weird way. It’s out in the middle of no where, it’s small, but there’s so much history. It was a distraction for a day, and something hit me. I have to constantly be looking for distractions so that I don’t have to sit with my feelings. That’s what I have to do! *cough* It’s not *cough*.

I’m so uncomfortable with sitting with my feelings and the weight that I have not allowed myself during this vacation to even feel what I need to feel. I’m so scared of what could happen. I realize that I have developed a fear of my own mind. Of being alone with it and sorting through what happens in there. The terror has prevented me from really giving myself much needed “me” time.

So, tomorrow, I will allow myself to rest and feel my feelings. Whether they be insecurity, sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, I will allow myself to feel them because they are mine. I know that I am not what I feel. I am not hopeless, and that I am going to survive. This break is a good reminder for me to let myself be with myself. It’ll take some time for me to enjoy spending time with myself, but it’s time that I need.

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