Tag: depression

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Medication – The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Perhaps the most controversial part of mental illness treatment is medication. Some claim that it does wonders for them. Others claim it does little. Some are adamantly against them. For me, I believe that each person’s journey through healing is different. Some people need the help of a therapist and that is sufficient. They build skills to better cope with their mental health issues and are able to lead full lives. Others rely on medications to get to a place where therapy can help. For me, I have been on both sides.

In May 2019, I stepped up my treatment from just seeing my therapist every other week, to weekly sessions. I truly struggled between sessions to keep myself above water. I had massive mood dips that would leave me barely capable to getting out of bed to feed myself. In the end, I went to see a psychiatrist at a large hospital. Here, in Korea, mental healthcare is very sparse and is limited to medications. Finding my therapist in Korea required a lot of research and, during non-pandemic times, a lot of travel.

I was shocked at how many pills the psychiatrist had put me on. Nonetheless, I took them diligently. I followed up every few weeks and accepted changes made to my prescription without question. Eventually, by April 2020, I was taking 11 pills a day. The cocktail ranged from SSRIs to medication that aided my sleep. Did they help? I will hesitantly say that they did. They kept me functioning. I got up and got to my job every single day. There were, however, noticeable changes in me that were not necessarily helpful.

I started to not feel extreme emotions. It was good that I wasn’t dipping into those extreme lows. I was getting out of bed. I wasn’t staying up all night overthinking every interaction. I was resting. However, I didn’t feel happy either. Even when good things happened, I would struggle to muster energy to properly react. I struggled with keeping up with other people in social energy, and often didn’t feel up to “faking it” all day. Nothing was exciting to me.

I also experienced weight gain. I noticed that I would “treat myself” to a lot of food or unhealthy food in order to feel positive feelings. Eating was one of the only concrete ways that I could access to feel something close to happy. Exercising was difficult, as I didn’t have much energy.

I slept a lot, but my exhaustion levels were high. I currently sleep barely 5 hours a night and I still feel more rested than the days when I was on Ambien and sleeping 9 or 10 hours. I would wake up feeling dreadfully tired. I was sluggish and I could never get enough sleep. Sleep was my escape, and there was definitely quite a heavy dependence on using my sleep medication to get me to sleep.

After leaving my previous city, my psychiatrist and I devised a plan to get off of the medications. When I tell you that even reducing the doses gradually was horrible. I am not exaggerating. I am so lucky to have had 3 months of rest. I needed all of that time to recover from the side effects of reducing my dosage. The pangs in my head were enough to knock me off my feet. I spent days in bed doing the bare minimum. Finally, when I was coming out of my last dose and going into not taking pills at all, I began to feel like a person.

I realized that I was feeling the highs and lows. The highs and lows were tough, but I now had practiced coping skills so much that I could deal with them without being mellowed out. I wasn’t sleeping well, but I was no longer sleeping like a corpse. I was finally adopting a healthy diet and eating what I needed.

Would I have changed going on medication? Not at all. It truly saved my life. However, I hope that I can take care of myself and be well enough to not need them for a long time. Medicating was a lifesaver, but without medication, I’m finally living.

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The Insecurity in Codependency

A few weeks ago I came across a post on Instagram about this topic, and I have been doing a lot of soul searching and research since.

Often times, we attribute codependent relationships to an unhealthy dynamic with a partner. This puts a lot of focus on the partner or friend that you are in a codependent relationship with. There is some merit to this, as it takes a certain kind of reaction and personality to create an unhelpfully codependent relationship. However, I realize that when I started to do work with myself, the need for the codependent relationships fell away.

I’ll briefly, and vaguely, start with my history of codependent relationships. Since early adulthood/late teens, I have been in romantic relationships that were very long term. My first serious relationship dragged on for four years. During year number two, I realized that being with this person was not great for me or him. We did the on again off again thing mainly because I (maybe even we, but I can’t speak for him) were terrified of what it meant to be without a partner. Not long after that relationship ended, I was in a relationship that 5 years long. It ended when I realized that it wasn’t the person that I was in the relationship for, it was the security of having a significant other that kept me there. Yikes, right? You’d think I had learned my lesson… but I didn’t.

I hopped into another relationship in which I developed severely codependent habits. If you’ve been following along for a while, you may recall mention of this relationship. Now, it was, for the most part, a great relationship in terms of personal growth. I learned so much about myself during the (comparatively) brief time I spent with my former partner. The greatest lesson being how the major theme in all of my relationships is that there were severely codependent habits that I developed during them. I was part of the problem.

I needed to step back and take a good, hard look at how I contributed to the problems in my past relationship. I, now, truly believe that it takes two people to fuck up a relationship. We can spend our time hating our exes. We can also spend time hating ourselves. Neither are productive. I chose to spend time getting to know myself in the hopes of never having to work through the same issues that caused me stress and trauma in previous relationships. Here are some things I realized about my codependent habits.

  1. I always needed someone. It didn’t matter if they were a friend or a significant other. I always had someone. Between relationships, I would lean heavily on my friends and my siblings to fill up my time. There was a period of time where I wouldn’t go anywhere without my sister. I did not realize that this was a symptom of my social anxiety. I hated being in public. I hated being with strangers and being with someone that I was close to helped me cope with this. It became a necessity.
  2. I only felt safe leaving a romantic relationship that was not healthy if I was fully surrounded and supported by friends. I never felt “strong enough” to walk away from dysfunctional relationships. On again off again, I’d feel so lost and tormented dealing with my own intrusive thoughts that I’d get sucked right back into resuming a relationship that was not working. It usually took a lot of tough love from close friends and family members for me to feel supported enough to walk away. This isn’t necessarily bad. This doesn’t mean I am or was weak. This just means that the symptoms of GAD were so severe that I resorted to coping with it by leaning on family and friends. I will never regret doing this, but I will say that with a lot of work, I have been able to make decisions on my own and self soothe effectively.
  3. My self-soothing skills were nonexistent. I had no idea what to do with intrusive thoughts or negative emotions that popped into my brain. I had no idea how to channel negativity. Instead, I poured my efforts into my relationships or codependent friendships. People-pleasing is something I have struggled with since childhood. Because people-pleasing is so familiar to me, it became a coping mechanism to deal with my negative self-image. “If I can make people around me happy, then I am less worthless than I think I am.” My lack of self-soothing skills is the reason why I had so much trouble dealing with turbulence in previous relationships. I didn’t have healthy ways to make myself feel better.

It became abundantly clear to me that a lot of codependent habits I had was a reflection of my relationship with myself and my anxiety. I viewed Anxiety as a monster I needed to run away from. I viewed my negative thoughts as flaws that plagued me. The distraction and comfort of having a person, any person, at my side to comfort me, to divide my attention to was “easier” than dealing with the constant feeling of self-doubt and panic.

Am I all better? Am I a recovered toxic codependent partner? No. I struggle with codependent behavior patterns all the time. In my current relationship, I am continuing to work on effective and productive conflict resolution, trust, and maintaining personal space. I am more purposeful and aware of my tendencies and am able to recognize how my reaction to cognitive distortions affect my relationship with myself and others. However, one major difference between past me and present me is that I now have a relationship with myself.

I am able to rely on myself for comfort and friendship. I am able to embrace my own company and truly make the most out of introspective reflection. I no longer approach myself with fear. Instead, I approach myself with curiosity and understanding. Wanting to understand why I do the things I do was key.

For anyone that is or has struggled with codependency, remember that you are not responsible for how the other person was in your relationship/friendship. You are only responsible for you and your actions. Take time to look at your own actions without judgement, and hopefully you’ll find avenues of growth through that.

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Activate That Behavior

PSA: Self-care will not solve your mental health issues. A manicure isn’t going to make your self-esteem issues go away. A good meal isn’t going to suddenly make your body dysmorphia all better. A spa day isn’t going to cure depression. But it is still necessary for healing.

Self-care is important as it is part of behavior activation, which is commonly suggested when battling with depression. How can we use that “treat yourself” mentality to help lift ourselves out of low mood states? With a behavior activation plan!!!

What is behavior activation? They are activities/actions that one takes in order to help you participate in mood elevating activities. By participating in mood elevating activities or tasks, you then lift the baseline of your mood. It seems simple, right? Well, it is, but it’s not. When struggling with depression or anxiety, one does not tend to have the emotional energy to engage in activities that would elevate moods. Getting yourself to that point is the challenge. This is where the following self-care tips will help you get started with forming a behavior activation plan!

Do an activity that makes you feel good. This can be anything from coloring, writing, taking a walk, or playing a video game. Remember that what makes you feel good is the goal. Do not focus on whether or not the activity is “productive” or not. That is not important.

Make sure the activity is one that has a “completion” status. For example, if you’re coloring, quantify how “done” something is. Maybe your activity is coloring an entire page. If that’s too ambitious, maybe it’s just coloring one part of the picture. Make the goal for the day an attainable one. The feeling of accomplishment upon completion is an automatic mood elevator. A lot of people fall into the trap of setting a goal that is a bit too ambitious for their mind state. Do not be afraid to adjust your goal as you go along! That is not cheating, it’s being realistic and setting yourself up for success.

Adjust your goal as time passes. Remember that consistency is key! You’re trying to meet your goal daily or weekly. After a certain amount of time, adjust the goal or add an activity that will help you feel good and accomplished! Perhaps you have been bothered by how messy your living space is. Focus on a part of that space and get down to organizing. For example, your goal could be “organize closet” instead of “organize house.” Remember the tip above! Make sure your progress is measurable!

To boost your feeling of accomplishment, give yourself a tangible reward. This could be a delicious meal, a spa day, an hour of you time in the tub, or a little gift for yourself from your wishlist. It’s OK to use rewards to motivate you! This is about pushing yourself up and out of a low mood space.

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What Happens When You Stop Struggling?

TW: Topics related to eating disorders and suicidal ideation.

I am trying to ride this wave of productivity by building up a queue of posts that I can put up on a regular basis! This is how real bloggers do it right? What started as something therapeutic for me has turned into something that friends, acquaintances, and strangers have told me is helpful! Thank you, all, for your encouragement and for spending time here.

What happens when you stop struggling? – This is a question I never would have dreamed of asking a year ago. I was at a point where struggling was something I had been doing for years… a decade even. What does it feel like to not be gasping for air? What does it feel like to not be treading water in the deep end? I had no idea.

Step by step, and with a lot of intention, I have found myself pausing and realizing that I wasn’t hanging onto the edge anymore. I was no longer stuck in survival mode. It was a long and laborious process, but here I was. This post isn’t about getting there. This post is about staying there.

Just because you aren’t struggling doesn’t mean it is easy… or even easier than before. Maintaining this state of mind requires a lot of intention. After a decade or more of struggling, I found myself falling into old patterns. The first pattern being doing the bare minimum to keep myself alive. Those that are close to me know that I have a complicated relationship with food. Aside from the allergies I have with nuts and various fruit, I have a tendency to avoid eating unless I feel like I “deserve” it. During really tough mental health days, I would reward myself with the most decadent and unhealthy of foods for getting through the day. It was something that my therapist had suggested I do in order to help with my tendency to punish myself by abstaining from eating. Because things weren’t too hard anymore, I found myself neglecting food because I didn’t feel that I “worked” enough to deserve it. I wasn’t hanging on for dear life and fighting the mind demons, so I wasn’t working hard enough to deserve food. When I realized what was happening, I had to focus on detaching basic nourishment from my rewards system.

Also, bad days can feel like a major failure. Once you realize you aren’t in survival mode anymore, it’s absolutely liberating. You notice that you’re coping with negative emotions much easier, and that intrusive thoughts aren’t so intrusive anymore. I noticed it and I felt awesome. Therapy was working! I learned so many awesome skills that I was no longer just surviving, but thriving. Then I woke up one morning and that familiar feeling of existential dread was creeping in. I was so familiar with that annoying little thought that said, “No one would really care if you disappeared today,” that I began to believe that all of the work was for naught. It’s an awful feeling of failure and I tried my best to hide it. Of course, that only imploded on itself at a fraction of the time it took for me to crack the first time. I realized that was progress in itself. How many years did I spend faking it? 11? How bad was it when I finally cracked? It took me a few weeks to crack and I felt better immediately. I knew this then, but it’s so easy to forget that progress isn’t linear.

Derealization is not exclusive to a very poor mind state. I have discussed Depersonalization/Derealization a bit in this very old post, and I intend to touch on it again, but it does not go away. Despite it being a coping mechanism for me during very low moods and mental states, it continues to be something that I battle on a day to day basis. Depersonalization still requires purposeful and proactive action in order to stay grounded. This means that I pause for breathing every day during breaks in my work day. This means that I take extra moments on my dog walks to check in with my five senses. This also means that I have to make the conscious effort to engage in yoga practice. This discovery was disheartening, but learning to live with it has been quite meaningful.

So, I guess these were just a few thoughts/discoveries I had once I realized I wasn’t on the struggle bus anymore. The takeaway lesson I have learned thus far: Be gentle with yourself, and choose yourself everyday even if you don’t feel like it will make a difference, because it does!

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How Much is Too Much?

I have been mulling this over and thinking about it a lot. How much do I have to push myself professionally or academically until it is too much? Looking back on a lot of the situations I put myself in, I probably pushed myself past my limits habitually and current me is paying the price. I am paying the price for all of the times I thought “It’s just my mental health… at least I’m not physically sick.”

When Simone Biles pulled out of the all-around gymnastic finals in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, a lot of people started having this conversation. People rallied behind her in support for her brave decision to take care of her mental health. This conversation, though painful for me partake in, was necessary. How many champions have sacrificed every bit of their mental wellbeing and their physical wellbeing in order to bring glory to their country, their family, and their fans? Much of the time, we forget that these decorated athletes and celebrities are people. They have struggles and emotions. They have ups and downs. Yet they are expected to be perfect in the eyes of the world. Every move of theirs is measured and judged. No respect or understanding given.

It got me thinking about some of the decisions I have made that have been unhealthy (to say the least). It’s stuff that I didn’t realize until over half a year and lots of personal distance. My previous job was toxic beyond belief.

I have been reserving myself from writing much about it. I have deleted and re-written dozens of versions of this post, because I still feel a bit of emotional attachment to the time I spent there. I mean… after all, I spent over 4 years emotionally invested in the success of my old workplace.

TW: Mentions of suicide and suicidal ideations

For context, I worked at a private English academy that focused on test prep. It is a competitive environment and teachers are expected to deliver results. I can proudly say that, over the years, I delivered decent results and have tried my hand in curriculum development, staff management, and immersion camp organization. I will always cherish the skills I gained there. I learned to be a competent instructor despite how… non-educational much of the environment at this academy was.

My academy was understanding of the the difficulties I experienced during 2019-2020. I was struggling with severe depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I was given a week of paid sick leave and lots of encouragement to be better by upper management. When I returned from sick leave, I was met by coworkers that felt I was being irresponsible. No one ever said it to my face, but I learned later that it was said behind my back. I guess, perhaps, I should have explained that I was driven to the brink of suicide. I, perhaps, should have mentioned that I was hospitalized at one point so that I could get proper rest since my anxiety would wake me up hourly with panic attacks. But I know that, in reality, I really shouldn’t have to explain all of that to people to get them to take mental health seriously.

I was so well supported by the management staff at my academy that I felt I owed it to them to “stick it out.” The environment was toxic. Despite having a great group of friends, the toxic ones were enough. My expectations at this job were as follows:

I teach unless I’m ready to drop dead. Some of my colleagues would proudly proclaim never having taken a sick day. They work through their physical ailments and definitely power through the mental ones. Taking my mental breakdown sick leave showed everyone that I “couldn’t even handle a bit of emotional hardship.” I realized that it wasn’t just emotional hardship I was experiencing. I, quite literally, experienced kidney failure due to my body’s inability to properly process antibiotics that were being used to treat a kidney infection. On top of that, this expectation of powering through physical illness meant that I did not rest more than a regular night’s sleep before teaching full 3 hour courses 2-3 times a day. Eventually, my kidneys experienced infection so many times in 2019-2020, that it was just a regular occurrence for me to have flank pain and lingering fatigue.

Shouting at each other was how things got done. This is definitely something that was limited to a few colleagues. As a person with anxiety and a deep dislike for confrontation, I could not handle the shouting and verbal abuse. It was my first sign that something was horribly wrong with the dynamic at this workplace. I would shut down, get defensive, and snarky. It wasn’t pretty and I learned really toxic communication habits that I painfully unlearned through thousands spent on therapy.

5 days of paid vacation was more than enough at this company. For years, we were not granted national holidays unless it was Chuseok or Lunar New Year. We then maybe got to go on our 5 days of paid vacation that are randomly placed during times that every other colleague or academy teacher would be working. On top of that, summer and winter holidays were a no-go because we would be doubling down on work during those seasons. Last week, I experienced my first summer vacation while working in Korea. It was 5 full days, no weekend make-up lessons, no conditions of coming back to make up your classes on the weekends preceding and following the vacation week. It was blissful. It was restful. It was much needed. I apparently get two of these a year plus all national holidays. So we’re already more than double the number of days off.

Any misbehavior from students is automatically the instructor’s fault. Kid acting out in class? Why didn’t you control them better? Kid do poorly on standardized test? Why didn’t you prepare them for the test better? Cheating? Broken tablets? Kids speaking Korean in class? Why aren’t you being the child’s mother while also being their teacher? The expectations were ridiculous.

How many of us are suffering and struggling with their mental health while going into a workplace that plunges us deeper into that hole? Probably more than society cares to count. I did myself a favor by getting out of the situation, but I know many of us are not nearly as fortunate during these times.

As I reflect on how I have been doing since removing myself from this soul crushing environment, I realized that I have made heaps of progress by simply not allowing myself to be in a situation where the system preys on my general desire to meet and exceed external expectations. I am still so tired and in recovery from the time I spent there, but it has gotten a little bit easier as time has passed.

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Update on Life

The last few months have flown by and I can’t believe how much summer has already passed. I’m a few days shy of my first ever summer vacation while working in Korea. It’s absolutely wild to think that I had normalized getting 5 working days of vacation + Chuseok + Seollal every year for almost 5 years.

My dear friends and long-time readers probably know that I started a new job in March (well, technically mid-February… but officially I was supposed to start in March). So far, this job has been such a positive change from where I was before. I have established a steady schedule that balances work and life outside of work well. I don’t feel as if my non-work hours are consumed by work drama anymore. This could be due in part to me having an established social life outside of work and there is not nearly as much drama as my previous workplace.

Life’s been treating me well. The battles I have with anxiety and depression are no longer as daunting as they were a year prior. I recognize that I have come such a long way from the place I was in last summer. I barely recognize the person that I was then. Getting to a better mental space has done so much for so many aspects of life. Here are a few that I have noticed drastic differences in.

Sleep has always been difficult for me. With diagnosed insomnia, I used to rely on an Ambien prescription to get me to sleep. In Korea, doctors really do try to shove a pill in every problem. They have a long way to go until they reach effective mental healthcare. However, getting me the Ambien prescription saved my life. I was on it for over a year. With the guidance of my doctor, I no longer take any prescription sleep medication. I will say that the number of hours of sleep has gone down to maybe 5 or 6 hours, but I know the quality of sleep and the way I feel when I wake up are drastically different. I wake up feeling mostly refreshed and like I can tackle a day. Before, on Ambien, I would feel dread and absolutely no energy to get ready or even walk the dogs.

Physical activity has gone way up! There was a period of about 10 months in 2020 where I didn’t track any of my physical activity or wear my Apple watch. Depression is a real bitch and it just makes you stop caring about those basic things that keep you healthy. I started wearing my watch again at the end of 2020 (around November) and have noticed a general upward trend in physical activity. I have been meeting my exercise, movement, step, and stand goals every day. This may not seem very difficult to the disciplined gym goer, and I admit that old me (pre-COVID me) would not have found this impressive. But I’m proud that I’m moving my body enough every day.

My pets also seem happier because I am spending more time being present with them. During the worst of the depression, I would take them on walks where I would be completely detached from what I was doing. I went through the movements, picked up their shit, and came back inside. I can’t say every walk isn’t like that, but I am experiencing so much more awareness while I am outside with the dogs. I have also begun to work in structured play time with the cat!

There are still difficult days and days where I don’t feel like I’m all the way present. I continue to work through those days and I try my best not to believe that little voice in my head telling me all of this work is for nothing.

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Toxic Positivity

Folks, it’s time I talk about toxic positivity and how it’s secretly everywhere.

How can positivity be toxic? Well, the simplified and short answer is that toxic positivity dismisses the very valid mental health struggles that all people go through. It is especially debilitating for people that suffer from mental illness. It shames those that are not feeling 100% OK and pushes the responsibility on them to appear OK for the comfort of others.

We’ve all heard it: “Good vibes only.” The overgeneralized positive state that people are encouraged to adopt regardless of the situation. I think the detriments of toxic positivity really reared its ugly head during 2020. How the hell are you supposed to just be positive through a pandemic that is taking lives and affected every facet of life?

Toxic positivity has driven decade-old friendships of mine to the ground. In fact, I had a friend who was calling to “check up on me” berate me for “not being grateful.” Toxic positivity doesn’t recognize the duality of humans. It doesn’t recognize that a person can be depressed and grateful at the same time. Like, shit, I’m grateful for all of the things I have and the people in my life, but damn do I feel like a sack of steaming hot crap. And that’s the shitty part of toxic positivity. It encourages people to label emotions as “positive” or “negative” rather than allowing people to process and work through them.

That isn’t to say that positivity doesn’t have its merits. It most certainly does! With reason, positivity is able to uplift spirits and bring people just above that drowning point. However, overwhelming and indiscriminate positivity has the effects of shaming and isolating people suffering from mental illness.

To friends and loved ones of people with mental illness, it can be really uncomfortable when someone you love expresses that they’re dealing with difficult emotions. This is where we often lean on “keep your chin up” or “stay positive” to get out of these uncomfortable situations. But if you have the emotional space to listen, you can really make a difference. Some things to do when someone close to you expresses that they are struggling:

  • Avoid encouraging them to “just forget about it.” Chances are they’ve tried.
  • Being “grateful” won’t magically replace feeling down and it won’t erase the struggle.
  • Just lend an ear without judgement or offering unsolicited advice.
  • Remind them that it’s OK to not be 100% OK all of the time

To those that struggle with mental illness, what are some things that loved ones have said or done for you that have helped you through a hard time?

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Productivity Shame

2020 was a rough year for a lot of people. A lot of us experienced disruptions in our professional and personal lives. This disruption has forced so many people to work in their homes. It’s also forced people out of their jobs. While I was lucky to not experience much of either of these things, I have recently caught myself in a negative feedback loop. In this loop, I constantly berate myself for a lack of “productivity.” This lack of productivity I’ve been experiencing has been through an active choice to embrace stillness by taking a school term off before jumping into a new job at a new school here in Daegu, South Korea.

I started out 2021 thinking of all of the changes that I have experienced in the last year. I thought about how many things I have completely turned around and I was able to give myself a few pats on the back. But why did I still end up feeling so shitty on most days? Why was I constantly feeling shame for not “doing enough” during my days?

I feel that the reason I am able to clearly see the mechanism in which productivity shaming truly brings a person down is due to the fact that I simply don’t have many obligations at this moment in time. Therefore, any “productiveness” that I perceive is necessary is actually not necessary at all. I literally have nothing that I have to do besides eat, walk the dogs, feed the dogs and cat, and clean the cat’s litter box. Technically, if I wanted to lay in bed all day and sleep, I had no obligations to stop me. Yet, I found myself feeling tired, hopeless, and full of self hatred.

I began to go into productivity overdrive a few weeks back. I scheduled every hour of my day to include some kind of activity. I started working out, studying Korean, walking the dogs 5 times a day, and reading. I even planned out exactly when I was going to prepare my meals and how long my meals must take. The first day was great. I finished everything. I felt this little high off of my accomplishments. I proceeded to try to pack the next day in the same way. While I succeeded, I found myself absolutely drained and exhausted from all of the hours I was devoting to studying and working out.

Ten or so days passed and I woke up this past Wednesday and felt absolutely hopeless. I was doing so many things, but I didn’t want to do any of them that day. I let my alerts on my watch and phone ring. Every time I swiped them away, I felt like a piece of crap. Feeling exhausted was getting to me. My insomnia was and still has been out of control. I was running on 4 hours of sleep every day and not allowing myself to rest was catching up to me. Yet, that Wednesday was not restful. I laid in bed, awake, frustrated and full of self-hate. Why couldn’t I just get my lazy ass up and do the stuff I’ve been doing every day?

I had completely depleted myself and instead of allowing myself to take a break on reaching these expectations, I mentally berated myself for being a “failure.” The guilt and the belief that you are not enough can be extremely taxing. That Wednesday stretched onto Thursday. Somewhere between Thursday and today, I finally figured out why I was “stuck” in this loop. I was setting expectations and goals that were so specific and grueling that I was setting myself up for failure.

You see, productivity shaming is an internal battle you fight with your perfectionist self. The self that sets these goals doesn’t have “happy, healthy, balanced” you in mind. It has the “cracked out, stressed, gotta survive” you in mind. It pushes you to the limit because perfectionist you was created under extreme scrutiny and stress. Your perfectionist self has served you well, and has likely helped you in many of your successes. However, the reality is that we can’t always be in “perfectionist” or “go, go, go” mode.

On Wednesday, when I woke up with the “fuck this and everything on the list” feeling, my mind and body was telling me, “Girl, it’s time to go easy on yourself today.” The checklists and reminders from perfectionist me were there to remind me of how I continue to set unrealistic goals for myself despite how badly I feel when I don’t meet them.

So, between Thursday and this moment, I’ve been working out how I can reconcile these parts of me. I reminded myself that it’s ok to not do everything on my checklist down to the amount of time I have allotted. I began to adjust my tasks from having allotted time slots to simply being a loose list of things that I’ll attempt during the day. I also broke down my list into “obligations” and “desires.” The obligations were simply to get out of the house twice a day for at least 30 minutes each time to walk the dogs. I tried to keep each of the lists manageable.

On Friday, I woke up in a pain flare-up from a condition I was diagnosed with a few years back. It’s called interstitial cystitis, which causes bladder pain/UTI-like symptoms in the absence of any actual infection. There’s limited knowledge on the condition and after many tests and scans, I was diagnosed with it based off of the fact that I was not diagnosed with other conditions that exhibit similar symptoms. I often have pain flare-ups during especially depressive/anxious times, and it’s just icing on the cake. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, is my body trying to tell me something?”

I recently saw a quote on Instagram that said something along the lies of, “If you’re guilting and shaming yourself while you are resting, then it isn’t really rest. If you feel exhausted after resting, then that’s a sign that you weren’t truly resting at all.” It’s definitely not the exact quote, but the gist of it is there. My body was telling me, “Girl, you aren’t resting enough. You aren’t giving your body what it needs while you can and your mind is making yourself feel like shit while you’re telling yourself to rest.”

If anyone else can relate to a chronic feeling of not “doing enough” please reach out. I’d love your insight on how you deal with this never-ending feeling that you should be busy with something at all times. How do I embrace stillness and rest? How do I get the most out of it when my mind/body seems to reject simple acts of rest such as sleep?

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Goodbye 2020 – Please be nice 2021

Another year, and I have had so many ideas for posts in my drafts that I don’t know where to begin. Let’s start off this post by saying, “Good riddance, 2020.”

So much about my life has changed since Goodbye 2019. I would say that nearly every aspect of normal life has changed for me. For the worst or for the better? I have no idea, but it definitely has been a year of growth, and self-love.

2020 is the year that I learned how to put myself first. It’s the year I decided to put down all of the “responsibilities” and expectations that I have for myself and others. It’s the year that I decided that I am unapologetically a person that suffers from anxiety and depression. While I became much more accepting of this part of me, I also learned how to allow for these parts of me to take a backseat for once.

Things I Quit in 2020

  1. After an on-and-off relationship with my job, I finally decided to part ways and start fresh in a new city. Toward the middle of the year, I realized that my job was no longer serving me. I spent my days drowning in toxic and unprofessional work environments that sucked the joy out of the very thing that I came back for. Once I was able to reflect and pinpoint exactly what I didn’t need from this job, moving on was easy. I will always be grateful for the opportunities I received and the connections I made during my time with my old job. Walking away from some of the most amazing people I have ever had the chance to work with tore me apart, but putting me first is the theme of 2020, and this was the biggest thing that had to go.
  2. One of the biggest skills that I acquired during 2020 were boundaries. I have written a lot about setting boundaries in other posts, such as Boundaries, but actually setting boundaries and maintaining them is a whole different story. I started doing this toward the first half of the year by stepping away from the draining work responsibilities of the “Head Instructor” title. Realizing that no amount of financial gain was worth sacrificing my sanity for was a boundary that I was able to set between me and my employer. Maintaining those boundaries was equally as challenging. It’s hard for people to accept restrictions that were not previously imposed upon them.
  3. I also quit carrying my baggage into my relationships. I wouldn’t say that I am a complete master at this by any means. This is still new. My previous relationship ending in early 2020 definitely revealed a great need for me to learn how to handle my baggage. I learned that it was important to be able to communicate that I had baggage and may need some help with holding it at times. I learned healthy ways to communicate that and how to reach out to loved ones in the event that the baggage was becoming too heavy.

Things I Gained in 2020

  1. Butterscotch. My dear, sweet, Butterscotch. For those that do not know this, Butterscotch is my foster failure cat. I spent most of this year denying that I was falling in love with this cat. He fell into my arms in early April when he was a 5 week old baby. I tried my best not to get too attached but I think that first month was critical for him. After a few foster homes, he came back into my home and claimed his place in mid-September. Oops.
  2. This year, I gained pieces of myself that I thought I had permanently lost. Somehow, amidst a pandemic, I learned how to have fun again. I learned how to enjoy the company of others on my terms. I gained many new connections and maintained others from the previous year. It has made me excited for a life post-COVID-19. I can’t imagine what that will look like anymore, but I’m looking forward to it.
  3. Lastly, I have gained a deeper understanding of what a healthy and sustainable romantic partner can look like. Although, currently, the state of my romantic relationship is rather fresh. I am learning how at ease I can feel with someone. I’m learning what it feels like to not fear that my partner will wake up one day and decide that they don’t want to deal with my shit anymore. Sure, I carry some of that fear from my past and sometimes it does exhibit itself in my present. However, through therapy and a lot of self-reflection, I am able to separate and understand what is “baggage” and what is an actual legitimate concern.

I was recently told by my therapist that she thinks that I am getting close to ending or tapering off therapy. I remember feeling panicked when I heard this, because… what do I do without therapy? Well, I guess I do what I’ve already been doing. I apply the things I learned, and I process things that come up. One step at a time.

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Late Night Thoughts – Treading Water

I’ve been struggling with keeping my head above the “water,” so to speak, with my depressive symptoms. I’ve had a few really great months of managing, functioning, and thriving. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I kept working toward it.

Two weeks ago, I came down with a cold. It’s usually a matter of not getting enough rest, or being particularly stressed at work… sometimes both. The cold lingered and the symptoms were barely manageable at times. During times of a pandemic, being sick and still needing to go to work causes a great amount of stress, anxiety, and resentment. My workplace is known for being merciless when it comes to sick teachers. My colleague has taught with diagnosed pneumonia. I have taught with diagnosed pyelonephritis despite being ordered by a doctor to stay home and recuperate. Being compromised with another illness can increase the risk of suffering greatly with COVID-19. The stress of possibly contracting the virus and dying made for some difficult days.

Now that my body is over the physical illness, I’m left with complete mental and physical exhaustion from working through fighting the illness. On top of this, I am coordinating my move out of Changwon. Several stress factors are at play and I just feel like I’m about to drown. I feel like my arms and legs are going to give out, and I will be submerged in the “water” of my depression in no time. In fact, I think it’s already begun. I can’t help but feel as if I failed myself. I preach self-care and self-compassion, but I can’t seem to spare any for myself.

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