Tag: depression

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Getting Back into Yoga

At the start of 2022, I did my best to be gentle about my goals and aspirations. I know how damaging it has been for me to set big goals and fail miserably at them. I went into 2022 with the idea that I wanted to get reacquainted with healthy habits that I dropped at the beginning of the pandemic. I wanted to be realistic and take a slow approach to it.

I carefully approached re-integrating yoga into my life during my winter vacation. I made it a goal to touch down on the mat once a day. I did really short practices alongside Yoga with Adriene. She has practices in so many time ranges. I started with 15 minutes and just starting slow and easy was key!

I started her MOVE – 30 Day Yoga Journey a little late, but I am now over halfway through it. It’s my third 30 Day yoga journey I have done through this YouTube channel, and it has really helped me feel like I am sharing energy with other people. I have missed going to yoga classes in-person so much, and this has been a great substitute.

For 30 minutes every day, I focus on myself and how my body and mind feel. I check in with the physical sensations that I have and how they are serving me. I give time and attention to the parts of the physical body that need it the most. The half hour I spend in yoga practice serves as a break for my mind. By focusing on my body, breathing and movement, I am not ruminating or overthinking. It’s the quietest my head is for the entire day. It’s temporary, but it helps me feel so powerful. It reminds me that I can step away from the thought spirals and just be with my physical body and experience the physical sensations of living.

I am hopeful that I will finish this journey, even if there are hiccups along the way. Setting time aside to practice has been such an uplifting experience this month. I maintain that yoga is one of the best forms of exercise to do for anyone. There are so many adjustments and variations that one can do to fit your physical needs and fitness level. You can do it at your own pace. You can do it alone or in a class. Best of all, a good yoga teacher will gently encourage you to set and realize your goals on the mat.

I highly recommend trying yoga out, my dear friends. It doesn’t have to hurt. It doesn’t have to be hard. Even if you’re not keen on physical exercise, try out some of the meditations!

This video below has been one of my favorite tools to help me ground myself during anxiety attacks. A brief search through her channel will reveal many more meditation videos!

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Late Night Thoughts: New Bed, New Me

Over the last year, I have been struggling immensely with sleep. I have always struggled with sleep, but this year has been especially taxing. I use my Apple Watch to track my sleep patterns and noticed a steady trend of sleeping about 4 hours a night. On good nights, I can squeeze in 5 hours.

Lack of sleep left me feeling exhausted and miserable. I was obsessed with sleep but couldn’t stay asleep.

Well? All of that has changed as of 2 weeks ago. I invested in a new mattress. I know, this is something simple that every adult should invest in. However, most of the company housing that I have lived at has provided me with a bed. I usually deal with the bed no matter how much discomfort it gives me. I never realized the importance of a mattress that meets my needs. I was always just grateful to have a bed that I didn’t have to buy.

However, I have been slowly getting more and more comfortable with the idea that I will likely not leave Korea and that I can start putting down a few roots (in the form of a bed). I guess this post is more of a celebration of finally admitting that I have found a place that I feel at home in.

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Psychosomatic Symptoms

For as long as I can remember, I have not felt 100% physically. I honestly can’t remember the last time that I felt energetic, happy, and healthy. I have definitely felt one or two of those things, but I can’t remember the last time I felt all three.

For a while, I searched for a physical reason why I physically felt so crappy. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that a doctor looked into my mental health as a reason why I felt the way I felt. Here are some of the ways that physical symptoms crop up when I am experiencing depressive or anxious episodes.

Headaches/Migraines

I started experiencing headaches and fogginess during high school. I admit that I didn’t have great attendance during that time of my life. I missed the absolute maximum number of days that I could without seeing my grades suffer. I couldn’t really explain why I felt sick so often, but there were so many days where I felt like I couldn’t possibly lift my head up from my bed. A general heaviness in my head that caused a bit of fogginess and confusion plagued my years of high school. Once I ran out of missed days to burn, I would force myself to go to school completely dissociated. Outwardly, I displayed a chipper and happy-go-lucky persona. Inwardly, I couldn’t feel much. Everything felt like an act that I was doing on autopilot. I didn’t have the vocabulary to advocate for myself. I didn’t have the awareness to admit that I was depressed.

I became intimately acquainted with migraines later on in high school and during university. They would hit me at the end of a long day. It was almost as if the migraines served as an anchor to bring me back to Earth from a day of dissociation. They were horrible. They were likely brought on by a lack of sleep, dehydration, and hunger. All of those things a result of depression.

Stomach Issues

I have always described my gut as “sensitive.” I have very real and very physical reactions to anxiety. Feeling “butterflies” in my stomach is a very nice way to describe an upset stomach brought on by my nerves. During especially anxious periods, I have sharp pains in my stomach that result in indigestion or diarrhea. Nothing feels good to eat. My appetite is ruined. The hunger that results from a low appetite becomes a vicious cycle of feeling anxiety due to being physically hungry.

Neck and Shoulder Pain

For as long as I can remember, I have been tense in my neck and shoulders. I find myself clenching when I am anxious and slouching in order to minimize my body when I feel depressed. This pain contributes to the constant and general discomfort I feel on a daily basis.

Rapid Heartbeat and Shortness of Breath

Panic attacks really showcase this very physical symptom. I have confused panic attack symptoms for an actual heart attack. I still remember the first time I really experienced being unable to take a deep breath. It has been a long time since I have experienced a panic attack, but the aftermath of a panic attack brings on many of the above symptoms as well.

If you are also struggling to find the reason for your very real and very physical symptoms, discuss exploring mental health issues with a physician and mental health professional.

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Secretly Self-Destructive Behaviors

Trigger Warning: Discussion of disordered eating, body image, and suicidal ideations.

I have been taking a look at some of the behaviors that aren’t the most adaptive when it comes to my mental health. Over the years, I’ve developed a lot of habits that seem to be comforting and acts of self-care on the outside, but actually tore me apart on the inside.

The “Treat Yourself” Mentality – Sometimes, it really is necessary to treat yourself after a hard day. My therapist and I used to discuss promising myself a “treat” after a particularly hard therapy session. However, my “treat yourself” mentality became maladaptive when my moods dipped to an all-time low. Like many people, I would treat myself to an unhealthy or large meal in order to get a small boost of serotonin. This always came at the price of immense guilt and physical discomfort from stuffing myself full of food. It eventually morphed into full-on binge eating and regular purging. I would justify ordering a large meal by telling myself that the day was hard, and that I “need” the food. I would eat until I was uncomfortably full. The discomfort and guilt would be so great that purging would seem like the only solution. Except it’s not and it only served to make me feel worse. What started as simple self-care turned into disordered eating and severe body image issues.

Over-Exercising – Before the pandemic, I turned into a bit of a gym rat. I actually have had a few cycles of extreme fitness obsession that eventually leave me burnt out and in a state of fitness apathy. The hardest part of exercising is doing it regularly. It usually takes about 3 weeks to create a good habit. Upon reflection on my emotional past, I have noticed that my obsession with the gym or fitness almost always coincided with particularly traumatic events. It became an escape. For two or three hours a day, I get to disappear into the anonymity of the gym, the yoga studio, or the fitness class. I got to not speak to anyone (if I didn’t want to) and all I needed to focus on was surviving the workout. The serotonin boost afterward was always phenomenal. The tingly burn in my muscles helped me get to sleep. What could go wrong? So much. My obsession with exercise pre-pandemic had me at the gym 6 or 7 days a week. No rest… dumb, I know. I would make conscious efforts on weekends or even weekdays to give myself a break day. The stillness meant that I would, inevitably, need to face my demons. During these times of extreme anxiety and uncertainty, I always opted for disappearing into the gym instead. Eventually, I started to not perform as well physically. I couldn’t wind down at night and experienced severe insomnia. My body was often in immense physical pain due to not resting my muscles. I was miserable, but I couldn’t stop because it had become so instinctual to go do something at the gym when I wasn’t doing well emotionally. That’s called avoidance.

Filling up my social calendar – I’ve always been a bit of an introvert. I find that when I am at an emotional low, I tend to fill up my social calendar so that I don’t have time to feel. While being sociable does give me a bit of a serotonin boost, it wears me out. Putting on a positive face for extended periods of time can be detrimental. Sometimes, I get so used to being in front of others that I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m alone. Alone time is good. Embrace it.

Not saying ‘no.’ – As a recovering people pleaser, it’s often really difficult to say no. In order to avoid the discomfort of saying no to someone, I’ll take on the discomfort of saying yes. Saying yes despite your own needs can breed resentment. You’re teaching yourself that you are not as much of a priority as others.

These habits or behaviors may have come about in order to adapt to difficult times, but have led to some seriously self-destructive cycles.

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You Don’t Need To Be Better

During the first few days of a new year, I have been seeing so many “motivational posts” on how to “elevate” yourself in this new year. “Falling back” or “regression” is frowned upon in today’s culture of toxic positivity. “Good vibes only” going into 2022. All of these messages can be so harmful for those suffering from mental health issues or loss. The expectation to “grow” and “improve” your experience with mental health can be crushing. For those that are dealing with grief, the pressure to “move on” and “get over it” can feel so invalidating. I have seen so many people that I know experience one of the toughest years of their lives. If you are someone that is struggling… remember that you are allowed to take up the space and time that you need to process your emotions.

When I met my current partner, I was stepping into a phase in my life where I could recognize that I had made a lot of progress. In the last year, I have accomplished so much and my partner reminds me of how much I’ve grown regularly. Even so, I still feel an immense amount of pressure to become better.

On New Year’s Eve, my partner and I were having a late night heart-to-heart. He reminded me that he was so proud of me for overcoming so much and living so fully. It felt good to be recognized, but I immediately began putting myself down. “Well, yeah, but I still wake up feeling down often. I sometimes still wish I didn’t exist. I still find myself crying in the shower after a tough day. Many of these mornings have been spent dreading work and the day to come. I just need to keep becoming better. I need to get better.” My partner simply looked at me and said, “You don’t need to be better. You are already great. Your biggest problem isn’t that you are depressed or have anxiety. That is fine and just a part of your life experience. What is a problem is that you don’t recognize that you are amazing. You are everything you need to be for yourself.” I did not realize how much I needed to hear that.

Of course, it’s important to address and work on mental health issues. Healing is a work in progress that doesn’t always happen in a linear fashion. It’s ok to slow down and it’s ok to “regress” a bit. The most important thing is to recognize that you are enough. I am not sure where I’ve heard this, but: “You are somebody else’s goals.” The life you’re living, your personality, and your achievements are somebody else’s dream life. Try to look at yourself through the eyes of someone that looks up to you. You don’t need to be better.

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Goodbye 2021 – What a Year

Here we are! The last post of 2021. I can barely recognize the person I was when I wrote Goodbye 2020 – Please be nice 2021, and it really is a good thing! This year has been all about personal growth, fostering healthy habits, and continuing to apply the things that I have learned in therapy.

Things I Quit in 2021

  1. I quit therapy. I mean, I didn’t quit therapy because I thought it wasn’t working. I ended my regular therapy sessions because my therapist and I had reached a point in my journey where there wasn’t much I was actually working through in the sessions. The intention I had with therapy was that I would no longer need it to function. I realized that I was automatically using the skills that I learned in therapy and I was just reiterating things that happened in my sessions. It was bittersweet, because I did feel like my sessions were so productive. Now, I have skills that I can take with me. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll find myself in therapy again.
  2. Letting my job kill my joy. In my previous job, it was extremely hard to escape the soul crushing effects of my job. Even on weekends or days off, it was incredibly difficult for me to step away from my job and all of its draining effects. This year, I have put in hard boundaries for how I spend my time outside of work. I fill my personal time with joy and activities I enjoy. I fill the time with people that I love. I do not allow any of my work to spill into my space at home.
  3. Relationship anxiety. I have a severe case of relationship anxiety that has been much more prevalent in my life in previous years. This year has been noticeably different. I am not overextending myself in my relationships. Whether it be romantic or platonic, I am no longer allowing my relationships with others dictate how I treat myself. For instance, if a phone call to my partner doesn’t go through, I no longer allow my brain to spend time exploring the worst-case scenario. I am able to take a step back and rationalize the “what ifs” without allowing it to consume me.

Things I Gained in 2021

  1. A better understanding of what I need in my work/life balance. I began working in Korea in 2014, and have only worked for two different companies. In the past, this would have been normal. People used to get a job and stick with it for decades. However, in the ESL industry with foreign workers, this is never the case. The fact that I spent so many years at one job is a bit of an anomaly considering that the working conditions are not what I need in my life. With my current job, I got a little taste of a better work life balance. While it isn’t perfect, I now know what I’m looking for in an ideal position. I’m learning what is possible out here and not settling for less.
  2. A fun, new scar on my hand. This past summer was a summer of injuries. At the beginning of the summer, I had a bad sprain in my ankle that resulted in me wearing a boot for 3 weeks. Within a week, I was back in another cast on my hand. My cat, Butterscotch, was going through a lot of anxiety associated with our new house. For the first time in his life, he was able to clearly hear the street cats outside the window. He was on edge and began peeing and occasionally vomiting on my bed. One fateful night, he had made a mess in my bed. I needed to get the sheets and blankets off of the bed and bring them to the laundromat. I startled him as I attempted to pick him up to remove him from the bed. He left a very, very deep gash on the top of my hand and puncture wounds on my index finger that were extremely deep. When I went to the hospital, the doctor informed me that he very nearly sliced some of my tendons, which would have resulted in impairment in my hand. I came out of it with 15 stitches and an index finger that remained numb for months after the injury. Yes, I still love my cat.
  3. A deep appreciation for good health When I received my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine, I also had a UTI. I know that the combination of having a weakened body after the vaccine made the UTI flare up horribly. I have never been in that much pain in my life. I didn’t feel quit the same for several weeks after this. Then, both October and November, my dog, Dobby, experienced back issues that were caused by herniated disc that eventually ruptured. She underwent major surgery to remove the disc material from her spinal cord and spent several weeks paralyzed from the lower back to hind limbs. Then, a few weeks ago, I wrapped up the year with a mumps scare. I had swollen parotid glands that were cause for concern. The doctor swabbed me and on suspicion of having mumps. I was miserably sick and quarantined in my home until the results of the mumps swab came back. Luckily, I was clear! But I definitely have a deep appreciation for the days when my body is feeling well.

I, for once, have high hopes for 2022. There is so much that I have planned and hope to be able to follow through on next year. I can’t wait to update about new journeys and life.

2021 felt like an extension of the shitshow that was 2020. The pandemic is still no where near the end. I still haven’t seen my family in a long while. I am still trying to navigate life. For those that have been following along, thank you so much for reading. I’m hoping that 2022 will see as much consistent activity as I have been able to produce lately.

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The Challenges of Living Abroad

I am currently living abroad and have been for nearly three consecutive years. My home country is the United States, and I have only been back for one visit in 2019. I started my journey in South Korea in 2014 and have been back and forth several times since then.

I have struggled with mental health for as long as I can remember. However, I mostly “had it under control” until mid-2019. I now know that I probably didn’t have it under control at all, but 2019 was a bursting point for me. I had neglected my needs for long enough, and it was time to pay.

I remember after having a particularly bad breakdown, a trusted superior of mine asked me if I would be better off back home in the United States. After all, mental health care was more “widely accepted” there and a bit less stigmatized. I truly weighed the pros and cons, and decided, in the end, that I wouldn’t be happy even if I changed my environment. While the environment was a huge stressor in my life, I knew that the stress of uprooting myself again would make things worse.

One of the biggest stressors in living abroad is the feeling that you lack competency. Especially here in South Korea, it can be difficult to be a fully functioning human when you do not speak the local language. I have made many efforts to study and expand my language skills, but no amount of it seems to be enough for me to navigate healthcare or veterinary care. A sense of uselessness washes over me as I struggle to communicate my needs to doctors and veterinarians when my animals or I get sick. It can really chip away at one’s sense of self worth. As time has gone on, I have managed to find ways to fight this. I have formed a small network of trusted care providers and professionals that are able to communicate with me and work with me through issues. Getting to a point where I can bravely enter a new facility and get the help I need has helped boost my confidence tremendously.

I have also formed amazing friendships and bonds during my time abroad. It’s been so empowering to meet people from all walks of life. The individuals that have withstood the test of time, I know, will be lifelong friends. While saying good-bye to friends as contracts expire has been sad, I am so amazed that some of the people I met back in 2014 are still in contact with me today.

While I have battled loneliness throughout my time here, I have also gained independence that I never knew was possible. Before coming to Korea, I had severe social anxiety that kept me from doing many things alone. I always needed a trusted individual with me when I was out in public. I rarely spent any time alone in my home. Living in Korea forced me to get acquainted with my own company. It forced me to learn how to live with myself and to keep myself entertained. It wasn’t easy at first. I filled most of my weekends with activities with coworkers and friends. I was never resting. However, in recent years, restful weekends alone have become a sort of sanctuary when I am socially exhausted.

To all of my fellow nomads, you are so strong and brave for doing what you have done. If you have also struggled with solitude while being far away from your friends and family, know that you will only gain from your experiences here.

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Too Much to Look Forward To

I never thought I’d be complaining about having way too much to look forward to. During 2019 and 2020, I was constantly working with having nothing to look forward to. I felt trapped in pattern of constant grind. I was treading water with my head barely above the surface.

I’m so happy and grateful to say that with the end of 2021 drawing near, I have a plethora of things to look forward to in these last few months and the beginning of 2022.

However… this has really triggered a bad case of anticipatory anxiety. No. This is not some new anxiety disorder. It is simply a common symptom of my Generalized Anxiety Disorder diagnosis. The main trigger of my anticipatory anxiety is the fear I have of the worst case scenario.

Many sufferers of GAD have trouble “turning off” their brain. I’ve been told that I have a vivid imagination, and a knack for imagining the worst of any scenario. It’s frustrating and terrifying to frequently be jumping to terrifying conclusions about the future. Here are some things that have helped me cope with my brain running off to “What If Land.”

  1. Talk it out with someone. I am so lucky to have friends and a partner that are able to objectively look at some of my thoughts and fears and gently help me through them. Sometimes, just saying the fear or distortion out loud is enough for us to recognize the flaws in logic that the anxiety disorder is creating. Having a trusted and level-headed confidant listen and help you through the logic can be even better.
  2. Work through your cognitive distortions. Often times, anxiety is convincing us of a very unrealistic or unlikely worst-case scenario. By simply asking, “How likely is this to happen?” we are able to start sorting through the distortion and give ourselves a more objective lens to look through the thoughts. This doesn’t just work for anticipatory anxiety, and is a great CBD method that I learned through therapy.
  3. Take a breath. Sometimes, our brains get a little too loud. Take a deep breath. Inhale for 5 counts, hold for 5 counts, and exhale for 5 counts. Repeat. Grounding does wonders to calm that inner dialogue and helps you focus on you and your body. I practice deep breathing several times a day as a habitual self-check. Obviously it doesn’t solve the problem, but it’s important to check in and recalibrate periodically.
  4. Take care of your body. This seems like a no-brainer, but anxiety can make it easy for a person to forget meals, skip out on sleep, and skip out on showering and exercise. Sleeping and eating properly is very important for our brains to keep our moods and emotions in check. When I get spikes of “doomsday” thought patterns or anxiety attacks, my partner has a habit of asking me, “How does your stomach feel? Are you hungry?” It seems silly, but my anxiety symptoms and my gut are very connected. A hungry stomach means that my brain starts thinking about survival and keys into the fight or flight mechanism.

So, yes. I’m very excited for what the coming months have in store. I’m terrified that everything is going to fall apart somehow. Sometimes, I wake up terrified of what the future will bring. This is all familiar territory and it sometimes feels like I really haven’t “gotten any better.” But I remind myself that the last time I felt this scared, I was ready to run away. I was ready to quit. This time, I’m scared but I still choose to get up every day and take on those fears. I still find things to be excited about. That is progress.

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Trauma Bonds – Why We Stay

When a third party is looking into a dysfunctional relationship, it can be easy to pick out what the problem is and to come to the conclusion that the “abused” should just leave. “There wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t in this crappy relationship.”

What exactly keeps people hooked onto an abusive relationship? Trauma bonds.

Trauma bonds have very real psychological and physiological effects on a person. These bonds create a codependent relationship in which the narcissistic abuser thrives off of the rewards of exerting control over their partner and the victim becomes hooked onto the rewards that happen after the turbulent punishment.

What is a trauma bond? It is a bond in which turbulent and hurtful periods are followed by extreme affection. This is a punishment and reward system that conditions the victim into becoming dependent upon the showering of affection that follows mistreatment.

One of the key characteristics of an abusive relationship is its cyclical nature. The narcissistic abuser inflicts trauma onto the victim in order to build them up again. These relationships are notoriously hard for people to get out of. It has taken me over a year and a half of self-reflection and therapy to realize that I was stuck in a relationship that was built off of trauma bonding.

So… why did I stay? Simply put, I was in a mental state that was vulnerable to getting caught in a trauma bond cycle. I didn’t have much confidence in myself and I didn’t feel great being alone either. It was the natural desire for companionship and love that kept me stuck in the low-lows and the dramatic highs. I thought to myself, “Well, the lows aren’t too bad compared with the love and affection I am shown once the drama is over.”

I have realized with healing and exposure to a healthy relationship that no fight with your significant other should ever feel like your entire world is being ripped to shreds. If someone can be in conflict with you so much that you feel like your world is being destroyed, that person does not care about your mental stability.

I have tried to explain away the cycles and I have tried to look deeply into what I did to contribute to this dynamic. They always say that it takes two to make or break a relationship. I searched, long and hard, for what I did to bring this upon myself. What did I do to get myself into such a dramatic and turbulent relationship? I convinced myself into believing that if I was different, or better, then the lows would stop. I put it on my own mental health issues and my anxiety disorder. I told myself, “All of this is happening because you can’t get your anxiety and depression under control. You are causing him to get short with you because you are anxious.” I blamed myself again and again. I apologized for being ill. The biggest thing I contributed to this dysfunctional relationship was putting the fault and blame in me and making myself responsible for “fixing” the relationship.

I still remember the first time I had an anxiety attack with my current partner. We were sitting in the car and I was frozen. I didn’t know what was wrong, but something was making me freeze up. I couldn’t figure out what triggered the anxiety. My partner looked at me and said, “Is everything okay? Do you need me to leave?” My anxiety began to heighten as I began to feel the familiar pressure of needing to explain myself and justify my anxiety or else he’ll leave. I needed to make sure that what I was feeling was “valid.” Was I “overreacting over nothing?” It must have been very apparent that I was freaking out internally, because what my partner said to me next was what I realized that I had needed all along. He said, “I don’t need to leave either, we can just sit together until your feelings pass. We have time.”

I remember sputtering and trying to justify why I was feeling this way. He laughed and said, “Sometimes, a lot of things can make you feel anxious. You don’t need to stress yourself out and figure out why right now. We can relax and just let this pass.” I was allowed to just work it out without him getting upset that I was not telling him everything. It was OK for me to just be anxious.

So why did I stay in this toxic relationship? Because I learned, through life, that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions were not right if they weren’t positive. I learned that I deserved the frustration and anger if I wasn’t able to back up my feelings because it inconvenienced the other person.

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Things No One Tells You

Some things I didn’t realize were part of my mental illness

When I first began to give some form of acknowledgement of my mental health issues in my mid-20s, I was a very different person. I thought that I was very self-aware and that I was properly dealing with my emotions and struggles. I thought that if I acknowledge that they were there and I “figured out” why I had these problems, then I’d be set. I was so very wrong. Acknowledging your issues and having self-awareness is only about 30% of the battle.

No one told me that I would have to take ownership and responsibility even when my mental illness was not necessarily my fault. Fault and responsibility, I learned, are two different things. I also had a skewed belief that many of my issues stemmed from external experiences and that once I “discovered” those, I’d somehow be cured. I learned, half a decade later, that the real healing comes from recognition of my part of the disordered thinking and behaviors. While I can’t just “choose happy,” I can choose to own my feelings. I can choose to be responsible for how I react in situations.

I didn’t realize that not being able to cry was worse than crying all the time. Rather than define depression as just being sad all the time, I would define it as a general low and apathetic mood that can lead to despair. During the worst of my depressive episodes, I would wish for tears. I would wish to feel something other than the desire to be nothing. I never would have thought that I would find relief in crying while in a bout of depression.

I also wasn’t expecting the memory loss I would experience. As my depression worsened, my dependency on the Calendar app on my phone increased. I would forget the day of the week, deadlines, and other important details that I normally would never miss. Eventually, whole days would pass by without me being able to remember any notable event. Being on autopilot was the default.

I also, sadly, learned that my tolerance for abuse increased the lower I felt. The more worthless I felt, the more mistreatment I allowed in my life. I suppose it makes a lot of sense, but I wasn’t prepared to look back and realize that I stayed in abusive situations because I did not have the willpower in me to make my life feel better.

You’ll hear people say that mental health is physical health, but I fully realized how important it was to take care of my mind. Having anxiety was one of the most physically taxing things to deal with. During the times when I had anxiety attacks daily, I would be left with the physical exhaustion the entire rest of the day. It doesn’t go away with a good night’s rest. Sleeping doesn’t actually bring any relief. Eventually, your body goes down from the common cold. I spent almost two years not knowing what it felt like to be without pain or illness. I didn’t remember what it was like to be healthy until earlier this year.

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