One year ago, I was in Korea, by myself, with minimal furnishings in my apartment. I was trying to get by until my dog arrived in late May, but the pressure of work began to close in on me. Work, as it seems, turned out to be not what I needed at the time, but I felt “stuck.” I held down the fort as best as I could but my mental health was deteriorating as I stuck it out until the return of my coworker.
A year ago, I teetered pretty close to the edge of existence and non-existence. I remember having a particularly stressful conversation with my then-SO. It was one of those never-ending, dramatic conversations where I kept spiraling and cycling through the same cognitive distortion and reasoning through it with another distortion. I had a nasty habit of forcing the situation into resolution rather than to give each other space and time to process and regroup before discussing the issue. I never really remember what these conversations and arguments were about, all I remember is the panic that ensues. The thoughts that swirl in my head and how they seemed to be absolutely uncontrollable. At the time, I didn’t really realize that what was happening was that my cognitive distortions and my anxiety level had turned from adaptive behavior due to past traumatic experience into a maladaptive disorder that would send my life into ruins.
I remember hitting the ground, my rock bottom, both physically and mentally. Not sure what it was that took over me. I suddenly couldn’t see anything past that floor and that moment when I was laying on it, half sobbing and half gasping. Anxiety saved my life that day. “I don’t want to die” alarms were screeching in my ears. I’m not sure why I felt like I would. I just did, and my brain was screaming for me to do something to help. I went to the emergency room that day after not being able to re-set my breathing to automatic for over an hour. Having my colleague pick me up off the ground and take me to the hospital was an ultimate low. I remember him telling me in the car, “I wish you told me that you were struggling.” All I could say was, “I wish I did, too. Because maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened.”
A year later, I still feel that way about the whole situation. I wish I stepped out and told someone sooner. I wish I told myself that I needed me sooner. I wish so many things for my past self, but all of that is useless at this point. I have walked this path and things have changed in my life. I am unrecognizable to me in the mirror. It’s no longer a bad thing. It just is. Disruptive thoughts have still ruined my day. They probably won’t stop. Luckily it just doesn’t ruin my life anymore.
Today, I want to celebrate a year of working on myself. Cheers to you, my friend. You are strong. It’s fitting that a new song by one of my favorite bands was released today. It hit me like it was about my life.
Turbulent Mind 