covid19 – Turbulent Mind

October 12, 2021October 11, 2021

Fully Vaccinated – FINALLY

I usually don’t post too many life updates, but this particular event has been quite impactful in more ways than one.

The COVID-19 Pandemic (or, as I like to call it, the Great Pandemonium 2020-2021 and counting) has been one of the most mentally and physically taxing life events of our generation. Our lives, as we knew it, ceased to exist, and so many of us adapted to a very different way of living.

I was fortunate enough to be in South Korea for the entirety of this experience. In fact, I’m still here. While the country handled the worst of the pandemic with grace, the roll out for vaccines was slow and often times frustrating. I’m not here to discuss or push beliefs of getting vaccinated. I, personally, chose to get vaccinated as soon as I was able to. Many South Koreans are also doing the same. As a foreigner, the process of getting registered and signed up for an appointment was a nightmare… but after almost 3 months of struggle and waiting, I have finally completed two rounds of the Pfizer vaccine! The vaccine completely kicked my butt and I was not feeling quite right for at least a week, but I’m still so thankful to have had access to the vaccine.

I’m hoping for changes in quarantine and travel restriction for fully vaccinated folks in and outside of Korea. The changes do not look like they’re coming fast enough, but they are coming. So many life events have been halted or completely cancelled due to COVID and it would just be great to be able to enjoy some of the things we once took for granted.

For one, I have not seen any of my family for over two years. We have been waiting for restrictions to ease up, and have not received any good news. We are all fully vaccinated, but quarantine requirements and time restrictions on my part are preventing us from having a proper reunion. I have missed out on weddings and holidays, and will be missing the births of babies of some of my dearest friends.

I haven’t socialized with a lot of my closest friends for nearly 8 months. Things were getting better for much of the spring of 2021, but quickly took a turn for the worse. We have been in an elevated state of social distancing for months, and the exhaustion is getting to me. Being afraid to do anything on the weekends leaves me sitting at home and lazing but not really resting. I miss doing stuff.

Most of all, I miss not feeling anxious about getting sick and jeopardizing my job. It’s been an exhausting 1.5 years for everyone.

To fellow fully vaccinated folks, what has changed since you’ve gotten your jab?

July 9, 2020

Battling Progress

I have struggled to find the energy to write over the last couple of months. With the current events, the social atmosphere, and the change in dynamics due to COVID-19, I haven’t been able to articulate how every day has felt. I’ve made a lot of big choices in my life in order to uplift and push me on to a path of healing. I’ve also made some questionable choices that appear to have set me back. To say I’m feeling back to square one would be an exaggeration. But to say that I’m still trying to see the “progress” I’ve made has made me feel as if I’m not expressing myself in a genuine way.

I know that my progress has come in small waves. I’ve gained more independence away from my friends, and especially away from the me that I wasn’t so fond of at the beginning of this year. In half of a year, I’ve grown into a me that I’m proud of. I’ve taken this entire year of uncertainty and learned to cope without devastation. I’ve made one decision after another that completely changed my life without ending up certain that it would destroy me.

On the other side of this, I do see myself self-sabotaging. I put a block on progressing and moving forward by putting on a heavy coat of armor. Shielding vulnerable self from emotional connections. I see myself berating my vulnerability by telling it to “suck it up” or to not “let it show” that I’m struggling. I plaster an emotionless face on top of a lot of sadness and worry. I overwhelm myself with social engagements and activities because I hate that feeling I get at the end of the day when there’s nothing left but to sit with my thoughts. I become passionate about social issues and overwhelm myself with news, media, and other content in order to keep my mind away from hurting about the stuff happening on a personal level. I justify it by telling myself that the little stuff isn’t important compared to all the big stuff happening in the world that is unjust.

While I want to say that I want to keep fighting, engaging in conversations about social activism, and making statements. I have found myself unable to keep up with my own basic needs. I wake up every morning dreading what I will face at work and hoping to get to the point where I can lay my head back down on the pillow and fall asleep. I often wonder who the hell am I, and what am I doing here? Do I like being alone? Or am I just so exhausted from everything I have been doing to care?

I’ve been told that this is what progress looks like. That it can feel as if nothing has really changed on a micro level. But if I take a step back and look at things at a macro level, there’s a world of a difference for me. I just have to step out and stop sabotaging my own progress. Easier said than done.

In order to focus on my progress, I’ll be taking on a little less. Resting a little more. Ruminating a little less. Being a little more vulnerable and letting myself cry a bit more. I’ll be cutting out the parts of my life that have drained me, and continue taking on what I can handle not what I “ought to” handle.

April 23, 2020

Survival Mode

“Survival Mode” is probably something a lot of people currently being impacted by the current COVID-19 situation can relate to. Every day, I mindlessly scroll through the news, social media, and get through my work. As things have begun to normalize here in Korea, I am beginning to feel more weary and beaten down by everything I have experienced and lived through int he past month.

It started with some sadness and heartbreak but as I’ve begun to climb out to the sadness of the ending of a very special chapter of my life, I can’t help but look around and see everything else moving forward at a pace that I can’t keep up with. While I know that I can move about my recovery and my journey to regaining the me that I lost and, possibly, bettering that part of me, I can’t help but feel like everything’s been put at a complete stop.

Unfortunately, my mental health is not the only thing that has suffered. I went through a period of 3 weeks of home quarantine due to physical health issues. While I tested negative for COVID-19, I was still put under self-quarantine for my own safety. As my immune system battled out secondary infections of the upper respiratory system that were a result of influenza, I lost a lot of my ability to withstand stress and mental distress both personal and in the workplace. The saying, “it never rains but it pours” has never applied more perfectly in my life.

I’m slowly regaining my health, and work has been busier than ever. I feel really lucky to be employed by a company that is still seeing steady enrollment and timely paychecks. However, the minor things at work are beginning to get to me. Office politics are pointless, and I have noticed myself fighting for myself less and less. I’ve become complacent with the conditions here, not because they make me happy, but because it seems pointless to even fight. I count down the days to nothing. I keep trudging along. Day after day. Night after night.

Today, as I walked to work, I felt absolute dread while crossing the street to get to the building where our academy is located. The dread seeped into my bones as I dragged my legs up the stairs. Dread. How can something I loved so much become so tiring? How did something I used to do easily become so hard? It all became so because I’m living at the edge of it all. The end of my patience and wits.

Even in life, where there was once a pretty picture of a future with someone I love. I realize, in this mode, all that really was, was something that I got to have a taste of, but ultimately will not get to have. Why? Because the reality is I will likely struggle with this forever. The toll that mental illness has taken on my perception of self and my perception of worth has, actually, made me, at times, believe that I will probably be better off just alone. Because anything I’ve touched with an ounce of sincerity in how I feel or what I deal with has become the worst for the person that I connect with. It’s no one’s job to pick my sorry ass up from the ground when I’m having a moment. It’s mine. Yet, when I turn off the ability to feel and deal with these negative and difficult thoughts and emotions, I come off as cold, disconnected, and insincere.

As I have continued to work with my feelings and process the events in my life, I’ve realized just one absolute certainty: This process will never end. While I do know that I can curb my panic and impulsive behavior much, much more effectively, I will always have panic and impulsive behaviors. I will always have days where getting up out of bed feels pointless. I will always live with these feelings that I cannot actually control. I can hear the chiming in of bullshit already, “But you can control your reaction to these feelings! You have control.” Sure. That doesn’t make anything better. In fact, it makes it worse. Because I don’t have the control over the part that is actually distressing. I just have control over the mess I have to clean after I have started to feel the distress. And all of this bullshit about, “It won’t get better unless you do something about it” is unfair to those that really… can’t do anything about their situation.

The doom and gloom aside. If you are struggling with this thought that it’s never going to end. It’s ok. I truly believe that life is cyclical, and the natural way of things is that… well, we are constantly going to be bettering ourselves and struggling with things that are difficult to handle. It is a fact of life, and we can choose to learn how to adapt, or we can sink in the mess of it all.

April 18, 2020April 18, 2020

Late Night Thoughts – How the Mental Health Challenge Died

At the beginning of April, I started this challenge and lasted for barely a week. I want to make excuses for myself, like I normally do when people ask me what I’ve been up to and why I haven’t gotten in touch with people. I want to tell, “Oh, man, work has been so busy.” Which doesn’t mean it hasn’t been. It has been. There have been points in the last few weeks where I wonder if I’ve reached my stopping point for work, my personal life, and overall general well-being.

I’ve been mindful of each day’s challenge, attempting to acknowledge or practice them, at the very least, but reluctant to do a post or pick it back up on the blog. I think one of the biggest stoppers for any of my projects is the fact that I am a bit of a completionist. I know that this usually applies to people that play games or likes to collect full sets of things. However, in my case, I do not like to continue after failure. I wish to complete things in a perfect way. If I am not able to, I would much rather abandon it rather than continue going through.

In the last few weeks, my mind, body, and spirit have hit “survival” mode. When I hit that point, everything feels completely pointless. It’s hard to feel strong emotions or connection to yourself. It’s just a constant state of auto-pilot. It’s what I need to survive at this point. I haven’t journaled or have any time to play video games. At some point, I just wished for things to be “normal” again before realizing that I no longer really know what normal means.

Survival mode began to turn into “at wits’ end” mode. When I hit that stage, sleep deprivation continued to affect me, despite having multiple pills that are meant to help me sleep. I remember the deja vu moment of last Sunday while realizing, “Oh damn, second sunrise I’ve seen in a row. I haven’t slept at all in between.” When I finally hunkered down for some real sleep, I was instantly taken by sleep paralysis.

My fellow survivors, take it one day at a time. The most helpful thing I’ve done for myself is to set a small goal each day to complete. It helps increase my productivity and also help me achieve that sense of accomplishment that will help me get into a better headspace. Just one day at a time.