boundaries

March 14th – White Day. Korea’s all about the holidays that focus on the couple. New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, White Day, Christmas Eve…. all of those holidays plus 100 day anniversaries, all the anniversaries. It’s enough to make one’s head spin. But one of the biggest things about Korea is how much their media is fueled by the same “boy meets girl” narrative.

One of the biggest misconceptions of love, that I am extremely guilty of feeling, is that love is intense, sweeping, and life changing. When you fall in love with someone that’s the single most life-changing thing you will ever experience. It’ll change your world, your perspective, and your life will be complete. At least that’s what all of these Hollywood movies, K-Dramas and love songs are telling us. While I’m not saying that love doesn’t ever feel like that, I am saying that often times people, including myself, are guilty of thinking that love will stay that way forever.

In every relationship, past or present, I have definitely fallen into the trap of questioning whether or not the fading of the intense, sweeping emotions of falling for someone is normal. The questioning often leads to anxiety that my relationship is “broken” somehow, and it may or may not become a self-fulfilling prophecy where it does end up breaking down due to unrealistic expectations.

Some of these unrealistic expectations are handed down to me from generations of the belief that being in a committed relationship equals sacrifice. I’ve watched as women in the generations before me sacrifice their happiness, freedom, and opportunities to “fall in line” with their roles “behind” the men in their lives. I’ve been taught that the biggest joy I will ever have in life is to find a partner to have children with and start a family with because the people around me will question and ask about when I will reach those landmarks. I come from generations of women that believed that their sole purpose was to raise and educate their children to be productive members of society and to fall into the same roles that they once have. Generations of men and women that sacrifice for the sake of creating that family. I come from a refugee family that left their home because they had no choice to raise a family in a country that never has and never will really accept them as their own.

I am very lucky to have parents that have the ability to change, learn, and understand my wants and needs. While I have felt the pressure to walk on that path, my parents ultimately understood that not everyone’s happiness will stem from meeting those expectations. Through a lot of growing and painful experience, I’ve learned that this is what unconditional love is. To love your child no matter the decisions they make because you just want their decisions to lead to their happiness. That is love. Loving me despite the fact that I have made mistakes and continuing to support my decisions as an adult is what true parental love is. Being a supportive force in the background and allowing me to always be the captain of my own ship is what parental love should be. While they haven’t always been perfect at this, they have shown me that people can change and learn even in adulthood. They continue to astonish me in their tolerance of me as their adult child.

Some of the unrealistic expectations I have for my own romantic relationships originate in my early experiences with what romantic relationships look like. Movies, music, television all told me love is a huge sweeping feeling and it’s the “end goal.” Few movies feature stories of maintenance and sustaining a healthy relationship. They just… fall in love… then what? As I grew older and experienced different relationships, I realize that I got stuck in the maintenance and sustaining part. It was always much more difficult than I ever imagined, and sometimes, even if I felt like things weren’t going great, I’d stick around “just to see” if it got any better. It usually didn’t because love is a choice. It takes work and it is a conscious decision you make. You choose the person that you’re with, but the most important thing that I’ve learned is that you should never choose your person over yourself. Likewise, you should never expect the other person to choose you over their own mental well being. The biggest takeaway that I have learned from therapy and from relationships, past and present, is that we must both respect each other’s need to have self-care. I don’t always practice this takeaway, and there are times when my anxiety influences me to selfishly push and disrupt my partner’s need for self-care so that I can quiet my fears. Ultimately though, this is a lesson I’m learning each and every day, as I try to sustain my own romantic relationship.

Another thing I have learned about sustaining a relationship is that, while your partner is here for you and wants to support you, they cannot be your therapist. They cannot be the only person you run to in your support network. If you find that your anxieties and emotions are wearing down the relationship, it’s time to expand your support network and, if possible, seek professional help. That is the single best thing I have ever done for myself and for all of my relationships romantic or not.

I think one of the things I like the most about Korea is how distinctly different each of the four seasons are. I always feel a distinct mark that signifies the end of the winter and the transitions into spring. There’s never any confusion. The cherry blossoms will bloom in April, the leaves will start to come back on the trees and by the end of May, you will begin to hear the cicadas buzzing and feel the temperature rising. Every season has boundaries and there’s very little overlapping or confusion.

In contrast, in Minnesota, where I’m originally from, our seasons blend together into a sort of either cold or not cold. Even if you’re in the clear for a few weeks from the snow storms. Maybe even when you’re about to walk across the stage to graduate from college, a snowstorm could decide to show up and it would still be pretty “normal.” The boundaries of the seasons are blurred and it can often feel rather chaotic.

Much like the seasons the way I’m able to implement and follow through with personal boundaries has been vastly different. In Korea, I live independently and manage everything on my own with little to no help. Despite not speaking much of the language, I get by and have been able to live a happy and mostly healthy life. I draw boundaries between myself and my friends, family, and significant others. They do the same for me. I have learned here, that boundaries are important and necessary in any human relationship.

Back home in Minnesota, the boundaries get blurred. Growing up, boundaries were difficult for me. As the oldest child, I was always asked and expected to do things for my little sisters, even if it meant that I didn’t want to. In fact, I was taught that self-sacrifice or yielding to the younger siblings was my job. I was taught that I should be helpful and happy for my parents’ sake because they struggled so much day-to-day that the “least I can do” is to help them with certain tasks and projects I found to be unpleasant or not enjoyable. As I grew older, I became a confidant for both of my parents, and I didn’t mind, until, at some point, it became a matter of taking on their worries and burdens as my own and treating them as my responsibility. Cracking under pressure, I remember having several blow outs with my parents regarding my boundaries. I remember being upset about something that was, in hindsight, probably something I didn’t need to be upset about, but I was. I remember being told that I was “ridiculous” or “overreacting.” I remember feeling bad for expressing that what was said to me was not ok.

During this journey of healing and growth, I have found that many of my childhood experiences that have shaped me are products of a situation where my parents, as human beings, were learning as they were going. They were taught, through tradition, that hierarchy are important, and that the higher you are up on the scale, the more rights you have to blow through boundaries. This has made it rather difficult for me to understand that every human being needs to have boundaries. It’s made it difficult for me to ask for boundaries and it’s made it difficult for me to follow requests to give space and boundaries as well.

Recently, I realized that I have people in my life that do not need to continue to have a space in my life for. After many years of patterns and repeated behavior, I finally realize that not only need to place temporary boundaries on family members but I can also put up permanent boundaries around people that I do not wish to share my time with any longer. I felt cornered into making a decision to remove a long-time friend from my life. While I did it quietly and cautiously, I felt horrible. Horrible because I know that by not providing my explanation, I am supporting myself in putting up my permanent boundary away from them, but I am going to let this person continue living wondering or blaming me for putting her through an upsetting time. Losing and cutting out friends is never easy. And at my age, it’s even harder because I can only count the friends that I truly love and depend on my two hands.

I am grateful for the skills I have learned over the last year, and I’m thankful for all of the progress I’ve made. I’m proud of myself because I am able to respect boundaries that are placed between me and my significant over much more easily than before. I hope that readers that are struggling with feeling like they are always “taken advantage of” or that they’re the friend people only call when they’re “in trouble” can understand that putting up boundaries will save you from a lot of disappointment and heartache.

Tag: boundaries

Misconceptions of Love