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Late Night Thoughts: The Weight of the World

Late night thoughts are some of my most convoluted and complicated thoughts. They can also make absolute zero sense, because of the mental state I’m in while writing, but in order to promote genuineness and honesty for myself, I will begin a series of thoughts that are unfiltered that run through my head late at night.

For a lot of people, depression feels like a giant weight on your shoulders. The weight keeps you in bed until the absolute last minute you possibly can until you have to go to work. Some days, this weight makes it feel like I’m always on the brink of tears. Any stupid thing could set me off. The other day, I started sobbing because I noticed the gray hairs coming up on my 7 year old dog’s face. I used it as an excuse to just stay in bed holding her just a little longer. The weight continues to weigh down on my shoulders as I move about my day, keeping my shoulders slumped forward, my head hung low. The weight makes things that I used to enjoy feel like chores. Simple things, like eating, are almost impossible. Especially if I have to cook it myself.

This week, my knees are buckling under the weight. I put up strength and calm at work so that my team and I can make it through the winter intensive classes. I take every unpredictable event that happens and remind myself that the intensive classes are temporary. I see the worry knitted in the brows of all of my coworkers, and I can’t help myself but to bring the weight onto my shoulders. “What can I do to make things easier and smoother? Did I miss something?” I don’t want to think about those things when I’m not at work. But I do. And it seems like everyone around me is crumbling too.

The first time I felt this weight was when I was told I would be a big sister. “Being a big sister is a big deal, and you have to make sure you set a good example.” I wanted to be a sister that my younger sisters adored. Or at least really looked up to. As I grew older, I tried my best to do things in the order that they “should” be done. Find a partner, get serious, get married. None of that really worked out. And, I wasn’t that great of an example. So now what? If I’m not supposed to follow this laid out path the way I started to, how do I proceed? Do I start over? Do I pick up where I left off?

All of this weight bubbled over into my professional, personal, and family life. I could not longer handle small stresses. I could no longer handle other people’s emotions for fear of not being able to take on the emotions as my own. And this is where I am now. I’ve been told that there isn’t a weight I need to carry. I can do as I please, and that I will have the undivided support of the people I love. But what do I do if all I knew was to carry that weight?

Without the weight I feel like there’s nothing tethering me down. Nothing to focus my efforts on. Without the weight, I feel lost, and some times the little things that make me happy make me feel scared afterwards. “What if I’m making another wrong step?” “How do I figure out what to do next?

I can only take things a moment at a time. The future is terrifying. At this moment, the next thing I need to do for myself is to put myself in a soothing and long sleep. I really don’t want to wake up all weekend, but I know that is just feeding into the fear, depression and anxiety.

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Insomnia – The Master of my Emotions

I’ve talked about comorbidity between Anxiety and Depression a bit in earlier posts, but I’ve got a third little friend to discuss today. Insomnia. For as long as I can remember, I have had interrupted sleep. I always wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, and it can take some time to get back to sleep. I never really knew how important sleep was to my moods and my emotional well being until recently. That day that I hit Rock Bottom was another one of those days where I had almost zero sleep. A lot of my internal conflicts come from when I spend the entirety of a night worrying/ruminating about some thought or some event that happened that day. It carries on to the next day, and completely weighs me down.

I never thought myself to be one that would become dependent on sleep aids in order to function. Unfortunately, I have started down the road of quite a dependence on my prescribed sleep medication. I have read up on these medications and know that there’s a high rate of dependency and addiction toward them, but I still take them anyways. Sleep is so important to my mental health and the way that I process emotions that I will take the risk of having to have to recover from weaning off of these addictive substances so that I can sleep and learn to manage my emotions with a more level-head.

A lot of people I’ve talked to with mental health issues are also fellow insomniacs. I cannot stress how important getting enough sleep is in order to manage the things that life throws at you. If at all possible, build a bed time routine that will train your brain to get sleepy. I use only warm lighting at night and I try my absolute best to keep my things clean before settling into bed.

These last couple weeks I’ve been going through a bad time in regards to sleep, and it’s gotten beyond the point of Ambien helping me.

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Holiday Blues

In my corner of the world, Christmas is a single day off event. While plenty of Korean people are Christian, most of the country is sort of “business as usual.” A year ago, on Christmas, I spent it with my family and with my boyfriend that I had just started dating. Many memories I have of the holidays are beautiful and full of bright days. However, having struggled with GAD and Major Depressive Disorder for what seems like forever, the holidays can also be difficult. I know for a fact that many others also have difficult times during the holidays as well, and I really want to be able to spend time with people that also have a tough time during this season.

The holidays are a reminder that I will be subjected to seeing a lot of people that I am not accustomed to spending a lot of time with. The past few Christmases have been spent surrounded by extended family from all over the country and the world. As an expectation I put on myself, I force myself to be at my best. Clothes, skin, make-up, hair, the expression I wear, they all must be perfect. This desperate need to be perfect is something I must have picked up just from the conditions of my growth and upbringing. I, very well, know that I don’t need to be perfect, but I just want to be. I also know being perfect is impossible. So, essentially, I’m setting myself up for failure. Christmas, I am constantly disappointed in myself because a relative told me, “You’ve gained some weight” or “Are you sure you’re exercising enough?” Or “When’s the wedding invitation coming?” Or maybe, “So what’s next for you?” The answers to those point out the many flaws that I’ve already been staring at for the past year since I’ve been told this last, OR, is something that’s just not something that I need to worry about.

Being the oldest child, as many can attest to, is tough. Being the oldest child in a Chinese-American family with immigrant parents, is Tough with a capital “T.” Culturally, the eldest child is just expected to set a good example. My aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc., often describe me as “sweet,” “easygoing,” “joyful,” and “responsible.” While I would love to be all of those things, it does feel a bit like my “holiday mask” has to be put on in order to fit those descriptive words. Those that are close to me have seen me without that mask on. “sweet” would probably turn into “prickly, but with good intentions,” while “easygoing” would likely turn into “a ball of worries constantly spewing out the phrase ‘no worries’ while worrying herself to death.” But with my “holiday mask” on, I get to play the part of my parent’s “easygoing,” “sweet,” and “chill” kid that people like to be around. And to be honest, it is quite relieving to pretend to not be me.

This holiday, I am unapologetic and me. Alone. What’s changed from 2018 to this year? I’ve finally lost that weight that always gets a remark. I lost it while I felt like my world was crumbling to pieces and there was not really a point in eating. I don’t have a “big plan.” 2020? I’m here in Korea. When am I leaving? I don’t know, and I’m not going to think about it. I’m living in the moment and soaking in every second and every feeling.

However, I am still halfway across the world. I get a day off for Christmas that I still am trying to piece together how I want to spend, and I’m going to be starting a busy schedule of teaching Winter Vacation classes soon. It’s relieving, but also saddening. Bittersweet. For some of my colleagues, it’s their first Christmas away from their loved ones, and I hope that I can share some insight of what it feels like to see your family continue on without you. It’s an odd and alienating feeling. But a feeling that’s also comforting for me. As someone that has worried endlessly about how my absence affects others and am constantly hoping that my family is doing well without me close, I am comforted by pictures of my family members enjoying the holidays. So if you’re struggling or are alone for the holidays, my heart goes out to you, and I hope that you find comfort in your surroundings knowing that these feelings are not permanent. They’ll come and go, and you’ll feel them here and there, but you’ll be OK. And maybe, I just need to tell myself that I’ll be OK too.

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“I’m going through some shit.”

I find myself saying that a lot to explain why I look tired or disheveled. I find myself telling myself that when I can’t get out of bed in the morning. I find myself saying it to myself when every single joint aches the moment I gain consciousness in the morning. I just tell myself and people “I’m going through some shit.” But what the heck am I actually going through? Why can’t I articulate it, and why must I minimize it when people ask what’s wrong? The simple answer: I’m a people pleaser.

I hate to admit the fact that I am a pathological people pleaser, and it has costed me so much in terms of my mental health. I always want people to be happy with me. And, yeah, that seems normal enough. How is it pathological? Well, I want to please people, or at least minimize people’s worry/fretting over me by telling them, “Yeah, I’m totally fine. It’s just some stupid shit. I’ll be fine.” I’ve pushed myself aside so many times that it finally boiled over in April. I had to face the “shit” I was “going through” and address it by name. “Hey there, GAD and Major Depressive Disorder, I see you, and you’re there. And I know I need to learn better habits so that I can live harmoniously with you.”

This week, I’ve found myself pushing myself aside and numbing away what seems to be a bad case of what I call “a shot of depresso.” It’s seasonal, maybe? Or maybe it comes with the season of stress with the end of the year and the busy season coming up at work. Or maybe it’s the isolation that I feel toward the people back home. Whatever it is, I took a double shot of depresso and it’s still running its course through me. I’m writing this down to acknowledge that it’s ok to not be ok. And that it’s ok to look like absolute shit most of the week.

I’m going to do the absolute best I can, and I’m trying my best not to feel apologetic for not being perfect. I need to remind myself not to apologize when I can’t address other people’s needs or problems. Anyone else that’s “going through some shit” and has to plaster on that smile everyday, know, that you can get through this rough patch, and with each passing day it will be less of a fight to get out of bed. Every hour that you make it through this rough patch is a small battle that you’ve won. Every deep breath that you take is positive step toward “better.”

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A Reflection on November

Thanks to WordPress for reminding me that it’s been a month since I started to write more about my journey. I would like to try to set a goal to blog and refresh on the previous month, on this day, every month. So here it goes for November. The Best, The Worst, The Weirdest.

The Best

The best part of November was having more than half of it to spend with my significant other. Even though there were rocky days as I adjusted to a new regimen of pills for my mental illness, and he adjusted to my adjustments, there were so many beautiful moments we shared together. We got tattoos on the same day (don’t worry, they don’t match, nor do they contain images of each other or each other’s names), and it was his first! We explored two really different areas of Seoul and did an adorable photoshoot in Hanbok, traditional Korean clothing. The bestest (not a word) part of all of that, is that we got to spend our first anniversary together. Now that we’re over 6,000 miles apart again, I have recent memories that I can look back on.

The Worst

I guess it’s along the same lines, but saying good-bye to my significant other at the airport is always heart-wrenching. For the first time, we don’t have solid plans for our next visit, so not knowing when we will be together again made the good-bye harder. The days following were full of blues, re-adjusting to life alone. We had spent over a month staying together in my tiny corner of the world that he made an imprint in my space. It was hard to look past the imprint and his absence. Of course, as each day passed, and we got back into our long-distance routine, things got much better. I managed to re-arrange my space a bit more and got into playing video games again as a hobby.

The Weirdest

I guess this isn’t the weirdest, but the most uncharacteristic for me. I have a hard time dealing with change, thus anxiety. I went through some great changes as my colleagues and friends ended their contracts with our academy and moved either back home or to Seoul. One of those friends had a dog that my dogs get along with particularly well. I was bummed I wouldn’t have a dog cafe bud anymore, but 2 out of 3 of the new instructors have visited my favorite dog cafe spot, and adopted their rescue pups. So now, my dogs have gained not one, but two new friends!!!

November, you weren’t half bad. I traveled to Seoul a bunch of times, my dogs made a bunch of new friends, I got a new tattoo, I spent half of it with my boo, and now it’s the holiday season! Although, I still have difficult days, I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am beginning to see bits and pieces of myself that were difficult to recognize before.

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The First Step Toward Better

As a foreigner in a country that doesn’t quite get mental health quite yet, I was terrified. I had sent an e-mail on a Sunday, and didn’t expect any reply from the office until the end of the next work week. I didn’t know how it would work, since their office was based out of Seoul, and I didn’t know if I would be able to get on their Saturday schedule. Thousands of questions swirled around in my brain: Would I be able to afford it? Am I able to get to Seoul for treatment? Will I like the therapist they assign to me? If this doesn’t work out is there another option for me? Do I go home if I can’t find relief?

That Monday morning, I get a call from a number in Seoul, and it’s the office I had e-mailed. I didn’t expect an answer so quick, and my voice was shaking as I answered the questions the woman on the other line was asking. They wanted to see me in Seoul and in person first, but they were willing to take me on a sliding fee scale. Relief swept over me, but not for long. Having had experience “shopping” for a therapist before, I knew it could pan out to be a long and frustrating process. I knew I might not get it right the first try, and that I could start from square one again. I knew all this, but I was so desperate to at least try.

The day of my appointment comes, and I am over preparing myself. I book a train ticket to Seoul which would arrive hours before my appointment. I remember arriving at the station to the image above this post. A massive herd of people getting off of the train and heading toward the main level of the station. Everyone knowing exactly where they were going. I remember feeling spikes of panic and anxiety as I thought about all that could go wrong. My boyfriend comforted me by telling me he would be available to through messaging the entire train ride.

Anxiety does some funny things. It makes you over prepare for events like, going for a job interview, a dentist appointment, or meeting a friend at a restaurant you’ve never been to. Basically, anxiety brought me to Seoul 4 hours before my appointment, I had no plans other than to just find the place and stay around the area until my appointment. I find out that the office is 2 stops away from Seoul Station, and I glued myself to a bench in the station until time came to go to the office. I overthought what time I should get there as I read and re-read the instructions on how to find the office in this giant 30+ floor building. Panic swept in and out of me, as my Apple Watch reminded me to breathe every few minutes. I was a mess. I could already tell that, emotionally, I didn’t and couldn’t really be in Seoul for much longer than the appointment.

When the time finally came, I carefully followed the instructions up to the office, and checked in. I was offered refreshments, but wasn’t in the mood for anything. I could feel my body trembling beneath my light sweater. When I was finally asked to meet with my therapist I shook even harder. That first session I will always remember as the first moment I knew I had to be completely honest with myself and with my therapist if I ever hoped to be better.

I wish I could say this was the point where everything started improving in a linear fashion. But these sessions were just the beginning

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The Day I Decided Enough Was Enough

I studied Psychology, as well as Asian Literature and Languages during school. My intimate relationship between understanding the human mind and also the culture of my surroundings tore me apart as I overthought what would “getting help” actually mean here in Korea. I had no idea. Although I have lived here on and off since 2014, it had never been this bad. I had never felt this unstable. I had never felt so lost.

The day I decided enough was enough was another day where my boyfriend and I were trying our best to adjust to our long distance situation and have a “date.” We spend hours doing an activity together, and talking. At this point, it was a 50/50 chance that the date ends in a disagreement or in total disaster where some insecurity, some fear, some sort of overthought belief would consume and take over what was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon together. At the worst of my anxiety, I thought to myself, “Wow, how much longer until I lose it again? How much more can we hang on to this if I can’t even hang onto myself?” And with every passing day, I felt like I was losing myself to panic and anxiety more and more.

That Sunday was a normal Sunday. It was a beautiful spring day, and I remember observing that the cherry blossoms were hanging on to their last thread. I remember looking out the window as I slowly spun out of control. I started to unravel, and the moment it starts to unravel, it feels as if I float out and away from myself. Depersonalization. Heading down that nasty road of not being connected but still aware, my boyfriend started to argue with me, and eventually pleaded with me to please, find help, he was going to go to lunch with my family, and if I couldn’t find help, he’d take matters into his own hands, and get me some help int he form of an intervention involving my family. Boom. Lost it. I remember hanging up and I remember desperately trying to hang on to my control as I spun out again and again, falling over, and knocking into my furniture. I stumbled around my little apartment as if I was a zombie. Trying to find a way to stop the panic and finding nothing, panicking further. I remember begging him not to tell my family of my struggles, I remember telling them I don’t want them to worry. He said that it wasn’t about them worrying about me, it was about me getting better and help, and I needed it. I hung up again feeling that same feeling of needed relief from the panic and being wracked with guilt.

Now, the worst thing about describing all this is that I know where it’s going. Having been very interested in the human mind, I think I know a bit too much about it for my own good. Self-harm is not a fun route to go down, especially for someone who knows that it does nothing but make you feel worse than before. And it’s an uncomfortable place that my mind, admittedly does go to during panic mode. I am full of guilt and shame for what I have done to myself during these panic attacks, but I’ve been told that I should not be afraid to talk about it. I should not be silenced because this is a real, actual thought that comes into my mind. At the height of my panic in the early Spring, I remember thinking “The only way to stop this panic, is to distract myself with another sensation.” Self-harm isn’t always in the form of slashing and cutting, for me… when I am anxious I beat my hands and fists into my wall, until the feeling of pain overcomes the feeling of my heart that is about to burst out of my chest. It became a habit. Bruises on my knuckles, swollen hands. And on that Sunday when I looked down at my hands in panic and all I saw was purple, blue, and green bruises around my fingers and knuckles… I knew my boyfriend was right. There is something terribly wrong, and I can’t pretend to be strong enough to do it alone.

First thing I did was I picked up my phone, and I called my Dad. He is, admittedly, the only person I want to talk to when everything goes wrong. I told him, “Dad, I’m scared, and I’m not happy. I am not well. I need to get help, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do it, and I’m scared.” Between all the sobbing, all my father could say was to tell me to come back home. I knew that wasn’t the solution. Going home wouldn’t solve the problem that anxiety had taken the driver’s seat of my life, and going home to hide in my parent’s house and “take a break” from working would solve nothing. I knew it would probably just reinforce the idea that when shit gets tough, I can just retreat and ignore it, and it’ll go away.

Enough was enough. I hit the Internet and typed out my first e-mail for consultation at an office in Seoul. The first step was to see if this was even going to be possible, but it was a step in the right direction.

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Thankfulness and Gratitude

Being abroad during Thanksgiving has always been one of the most difficult aspects of living far from my family and most of my friends. It’s always been my favorite holiday of the year for a few reasons, and missing it for the third time was a bit difficult for me this week.

For one, it is the only day of the year where my dad closes down the restaurant. There are no catastrophes to attend to for him, he’s just with us. The five of us used to see a movie every Thanksgiving. It’s the only day of the year where I ever felt like my family was a real family. This year, we probably would have gone to see “Frozen 2.” When I was texting my mom earlier, I found out my youngest sister had a shift at the hospital, and the only one of the three daughters available to spend time with them was my middle sister. My heart has been feeling heavy ever since.

Despite being far away from home, I do feel a lot of gratitude for the position I’m currently in. Being away from home not only makes me appreciate my family and friends back home, but also the ones that are close by. This Thanksgiving evening, I spent it with my little family in my little home I’ve made for myself here in Korea. We watched a movie, had McDonald’s Delivery and enjoyed each other’s company.

While this isn’t the most ideal Thanksgiving dinner, it was an evening where I truly reflected on where I am in this part of my journey confronting my mental health issues. I have not done this alone. No one ever needs to. I have done this with the help of my amazing friends, family, colleagues, and of course, my significant other. I have become a stronger and better person but not without reminders to care for myself and to appreciate my worth. Sooo here it is… the list I am thankful for.

1. My Family – Family is and always has been the most important thing in my life. Their acceptance and love for me has gotten me past some of the hardest days. I know that all they want is for me to live happily and healthily, and if being far away is what I need, they support that. I love them for it. Thank you for letting me explore and be me.

Done by Kimria at Studio by Sol
https://www.instagram.com/tattooist_kimria/

2. My Fur Family – I am so grateful to have my fur family. I have two dogs that live with me here in Korea, and they are the reasons why I get up every day. They are the reasons why I still go outside when days are particularly hard. And they are the reasons why it’s harder to give up when the thoughts go down that road. Having dogs has changed my life and my family’s lives as well. In November, I made the decision to have our family dog, Yuuki, tattooed to my arm. She is a reminder to me of love, loyalty, family, and acceptance. She is a reminder that I can and have persevered through more difficult times. Thank you, my fur babies, for licking the tears off my cheeks when I cry, and for forcing me to stop and appreciate the world from your eyes.

3. My Significant Other – It can be hard for me to express my love and affection for this person on a public forum such as this, but my significant other was the loudest and strongest influencer for me to step out of my comfort zone and seek help. I am so thankful for him and his strength and perseverance through this time. Some people forget that being with someone that is suffering from mental illness can be emotionally draining and taxing as well. And while I am constantly apologizing and constantly telling him how much I wish I could do more and be better, I know that I need to stop and just say thank you. Thank you for being the beautiful you that hasn’t given up on us despite the distance and despite all of the hardships.

4. My Friends – I have friends both far and wide, and I did not want to publish this post until I have expressed to each of them personally how much they mean to me. I am so grateful to have friends that have not only accepted me through all of the changes I have been going through, but also still love me. I want to thank the friends that have picked my sobbing ass up off the floor and held me. I want to thank the friends that remind me that I am someone that matters when I feel like I want to disappear. Thank you for being there, and encouraging me through those times.

5. My Job – Teaching in Korea is a job I have now come back to for the third time. I just can’t stop it at this point in my life. It gives me true joy to watch my students grow and improve. As stressful as some of the job may be, the kids get me to work every day, and the moment I see them in front of me, I know that I can get through the day. My coworkers and supervisors have all been supportive and caring of me and my condition, and I am so very grateful for the opportunity to work for and with these people.

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Depersonalization/Derealization

This post has seriously been in the making for a long time, as I have not really fully come to an understanding of how these symptoms have developed and why they come up in certain situations.

I experience Depersonalization on a day-to-day basis as there are definitely periods of the day where it seems like I run on “auto-pilot” and I’m watching myself operate as if I’m a third person. Of course, I do have control of my actions, but it doesn’t feel real in any way. As I have continued on my journey of becoming stronger in the face of mental health issues, I have started to have a hard time recalling and remembering details. I’ve been told by people close to me that I tend to tell the same story often, because I’ve forgotten that I’ve told them. Much of my life feels like I’m living it in a fog or a dream like way. Just typing out this entry has taken me days of pulling myself back out of a depersonalized state, and focus on the task at hand.

How does this come around? This may be a reaction, for me, when things change in my environment. Believe it or not, I don’t deal well with changes in any way. I like to think I’m superwoman and I can handle it, but I’m not. I have issues with change, saying good-bye-meeting new people. And all of that has happened in the last week, month, and year. I’m more disconnected than ever. I said good-bye to my significant other as he returned to the States after an over a month long visit. I said good-bye to a friend who will be returning to the States, and I’m saying good-bye to the rigor of my life as I know it, because it’s going to get so much worse this next term.

Even as I look at the photo of me at Gyeongbokgung, it doesn’t feel like it could have been real.

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The Certainty of Uncertainty

Earlier in the week, I had a discussion about how one of the scariest concepts for me, with Generalized Anxiety Disorder to wrap my head around is uncertainty. For those that do not experience anxiety in this way, I know it seem so simple to wrap your head around. “Life is life, you can’t predict it, you just live it.”

What started this slow descent into a panic freak-out about mortality? Well, I am living my life without any concrete deadlines or dates that I wish to go back to my home country by. I am currently acclimating to life here alone. I’m receiving great care, and I’m making huge strides in recovery despite being thousands of miles away from my family and friends. So what’s the problem? Things are going good! The problem is I don’t have a plan. What’s next? What do I work for? What if it doesn’t work out? And if it does work out, then what if it changes my plan?

Uncertainty has become a sure-fire way to send me through an unending chain of “what ifs” and “do you think it will happen?”

I decided to get a tattoo done of my oldest family dog’s face after coming down from a bit of a cycle of insecurity and fear of the unknown. “When will I get to see my Yuuki again?” I thought, well… I better tattoo her face to my arm so I can have, at least, a piece or essence of her on me forever.

I still wake up frozen in fear of the uncertainty. I don’t know when I’ll go home to see my family. I don’t have any trips back to Minneapolis planned, and, as far as I know, no one has trips planned to see me. The uncertainty is making me restless and makes me go overboard with lists of things that I want to achieve. It could be simple, like, “Get a new recycling bin” or “Finish that game you were playing on Switch.”

Right now, almost every facet of my life is uncertain. My job is uncertain because… I don’t know if I want to stick around after 2020. My relationship is uncertain because we don’t know if we’ll be able to grow together in the way that will help us as a couple. The only thing that is certain for me, is that I need to keep doing this job that I enjoy, save money, and meet my financial goals. While reaching my financial goals and all that are uncertain, the most certain thing about my life situation is that I will survive through the anxiety of being in an uncertain situation and I will, hopefully, flourish under the pressure of it.

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