Blog Feed

Posted on

Battling Progress

I have struggled to find the energy to write over the last couple of months. With the current events, the social atmosphere, and the change in dynamics due to COVID-19, I haven’t been able to articulate how every day has felt. I’ve made a lot of big choices in my life in order to uplift and push me on to a path of healing. I’ve also made some questionable choices that appear to have set me back. To say I’m feeling back to square one would be an exaggeration. But to say that I’m still trying to see the “progress” I’ve made has made me feel as if I’m not expressing myself in a genuine way.

I know that my progress has come in small waves. I’ve gained more independence away from my friends, and especially away from the me that I wasn’t so fond of at the beginning of this year. In half of a year, I’ve grown into a me that I’m proud of. I’ve taken this entire year of uncertainty and learned to cope without devastation. I’ve made one decision after another that completely changed my life without ending up certain that it would destroy me.


On the other side of this, I do see myself self-sabotaging. I put a block on progressing and moving forward by putting on a heavy coat of armor. Shielding vulnerable self from emotional connections. I see myself berating my vulnerability by telling it to “suck it up” or to not “let it show” that I’m struggling. I plaster an emotionless face on top of a lot of sadness and worry. I overwhelm myself with social engagements and activities because I hate that feeling I get at the end of the day when there’s nothing left but to sit with my thoughts. I become passionate about social issues and overwhelm myself with news, media, and other content in order to keep my mind away from hurting about the stuff happening on a personal level. I justify it by telling myself that the little stuff isn’t important compared to all the big stuff happening in the world that is unjust.

While I want to say that I want to keep fighting, engaging in conversations about social activism, and making statements. I have found myself unable to keep up with my own basic needs. I wake up every morning dreading what I will face at work and hoping to get to the point where I can lay my head back down on the pillow and fall asleep. I often wonder who the hell am I, and what am I doing here? Do I like being alone? Or am I just so exhausted from everything I have been doing to care?

I’ve been told that this is what progress looks like. That it can feel as if nothing has really changed on a micro level. But if I take a step back and look at things at a macro level, there’s a world of a difference for me. I just have to step out and stop sabotaging my own progress. Easier said than done.

In order to focus on my progress, I’ll be taking on a little less. Resting a little more. Ruminating a little less. Being a little more vulnerable and letting myself cry a bit more. I’ll be cutting out the parts of my life that have drained me, and continue taking on what I can handle not what I “ought to” handle.

Posted on

A Year

One year ago, I was in Korea, by myself, with minimal furnishings in my apartment. I was trying to get by until my dog arrived in late May, but the pressure of work began to close in on me. Work, as it seems, turned out to be not what I needed at the time, but I felt “stuck.” I held down the fort as best as I could but my mental health was deteriorating as I stuck it out until the return of my coworker.

A year ago, I teetered pretty close to the edge of existence and non-existence. I remember having a particularly stressful conversation with my then-SO. It was one of those never-ending, dramatic conversations where I kept spiraling and cycling through the same cognitive distortion and reasoning through it with another distortion. I had a nasty habit of forcing the situation into resolution rather than to give each other space and time to process and regroup before discussing the issue. I never really remember what these conversations and arguments were about, all I remember is the panic that ensues. The thoughts that swirl in my head and how they seemed to be absolutely uncontrollable. At the time, I didn’t really realize that what was happening was that my cognitive distortions and my anxiety level had turned from adaptive behavior due to past traumatic experience into a maladaptive disorder that would send my life into ruins.

I remember hitting the ground, my rock bottom, both physically and mentally. Not sure what it was that took over me. I suddenly couldn’t see anything past that floor and that moment when I was laying on it, half sobbing and half gasping. Anxiety saved my life that day. “I don’t want to die” alarms were screeching in my ears. I’m not sure why I felt like I would. I just did, and my brain was screaming for me to do something to help. I went to the emergency room that day after not being able to re-set my breathing to automatic for over an hour. Having my colleague pick me up off the ground and take me to the hospital was an ultimate low. I remember him telling me in the car, “I wish you told me that you were struggling.” All I could say was, “I wish I did, too. Because maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened.”

A year later, I still feel that way about the whole situation. I wish I stepped out and told someone sooner. I wish I told myself that I needed me sooner. I wish so many things for my past self, but all of that is useless at this point. I have walked this path and things have changed in my life. I am unrecognizable to me in the mirror. It’s no longer a bad thing. It just is. Disruptive thoughts have still ruined my day. They probably won’t stop. Luckily it just doesn’t ruin my life anymore.

Today, I want to celebrate a year of working on myself. Cheers to you, my friend. You are strong. It’s fitting that a new song by one of my favorite bands was released today. It hit me like it was about my life.

Zombie by Day6

Posted on

Survival Mode

“Survival Mode” is probably something a lot of people currently being impacted by the current COVID-19 situation can relate to. Every day, I mindlessly scroll through the news, social media, and get through my work. As things have begun to normalize here in Korea, I am beginning to feel more weary and beaten down by everything I have experienced and lived through int he past month.

It started with some sadness and heartbreak but as I’ve begun to climb out to the sadness of the ending of a very special chapter of my life, I can’t help but look around and see everything else moving forward at a pace that I can’t keep up with. While I know that I can move about my recovery and my journey to regaining the me that I lost and, possibly, bettering that part of me, I can’t help but feel like everything’s been put at a complete stop.

Unfortunately, my mental health is not the only thing that has suffered. I went through a period of 3 weeks of home quarantine due to physical health issues. While I tested negative for COVID-19, I was still put under self-quarantine for my own safety. As my immune system battled out secondary infections of the upper respiratory system that were a result of influenza, I lost a lot of my ability to withstand stress and mental distress both personal and in the workplace. The saying, “it never rains but it pours” has never applied more perfectly in my life.

I’m slowly regaining my health, and work has been busier than ever. I feel really lucky to be employed by a company that is still seeing steady enrollment and timely paychecks. However, the minor things at work are beginning to get to me. Office politics are pointless, and I have noticed myself fighting for myself less and less. I’ve become complacent with the conditions here, not because they make me happy, but because it seems pointless to even fight. I count down the days to nothing. I keep trudging along. Day after day. Night after night.

Today, as I walked to work, I felt absolute dread while crossing the street to get to the building where our academy is located. The dread seeped into my bones as I dragged my legs up the stairs. Dread. How can something I loved so much become so tiring? How did something I used to do easily become so hard? It all became so because I’m living at the edge of it all. The end of my patience and wits.

Even in life, where there was once a pretty picture of a future with someone I love. I realize, in this mode, all that really was, was something that I got to have a taste of, but ultimately will not get to have. Why? Because the reality is I will likely struggle with this forever. The toll that mental illness has taken on my perception of self and my perception of worth has, actually, made me, at times, believe that I will probably be better off just alone. Because anything I’ve touched with an ounce of sincerity in how I feel or what I deal with has become the worst for the person that I connect with. It’s no one’s job to pick my sorry ass up from the ground when I’m having a moment. It’s mine. Yet, when I turn off the ability to feel and deal with these negative and difficult thoughts and emotions, I come off as cold, disconnected, and insincere.

As I have continued to work with my feelings and process the events in my life, I’ve realized just one absolute certainty: This process will never end. While I do know that I can curb my panic and impulsive behavior much, much more effectively, I will always have panic and impulsive behaviors. I will always have days where getting up out of bed feels pointless. I will always live with these feelings that I cannot actually control. I can hear the chiming in of bullshit already, “But you can control your reaction to these feelings! You have control.” Sure. That doesn’t make anything better. In fact, it makes it worse. Because I don’t have the control over the part that is actually distressing. I just have control over the mess I have to clean after I have started to feel the distress. And all of this bullshit about, “It won’t get better unless you do something about it” is unfair to those that really… can’t do anything about their situation.

The doom and gloom aside. If you are struggling with this thought that it’s never going to end. It’s ok. I truly believe that life is cyclical, and the natural way of things is that… well, we are constantly going to be bettering ourselves and struggling with things that are difficult to handle. It is a fact of life, and we can choose to learn how to adapt, or we can sink in the mess of it all.

Posted on

Late Night Thoughts – How the Mental Health Challenge Died

At the beginning of April, I started this challenge and lasted for barely a week. I want to make excuses for myself, like I normally do when people ask me what I’ve been up to and why I haven’t gotten in touch with people. I want to tell, “Oh, man, work has been so busy.” Which doesn’t mean it hasn’t been. It has been. There have been points in the last few weeks where I wonder if I’ve reached my stopping point for work, my personal life, and overall general well-being.

I’ve been mindful of each day’s challenge, attempting to acknowledge or practice them, at the very least, but reluctant to do a post or pick it back up on the blog. I think one of the biggest stoppers for any of my projects is the fact that I am a bit of a completionist. I know that this usually applies to people that play games or likes to collect full sets of things. However, in my case, I do not like to continue after failure. I wish to complete things in a perfect way. If I am not able to, I would much rather abandon it rather than continue going through.

In the last few weeks, my mind, body, and spirit have hit “survival” mode. When I hit that point, everything feels completely pointless. It’s hard to feel strong emotions or connection to yourself. It’s just a constant state of auto-pilot. It’s what I need to survive at this point. I haven’t journaled or have any time to play video games. At some point, I just wished for things to be “normal” again before realizing that I no longer really know what normal means.

Survival mode began to turn into “at wits’ end” mode. When I hit that stage, sleep deprivation continued to affect me, despite having multiple pills that are meant to help me sleep. I remember the deja vu moment of last Sunday while realizing, “Oh damn, second sunrise I’ve seen in a row. I haven’t slept at all in between.” When I finally hunkered down for some real sleep, I was instantly taken by sleep paralysis.

My fellow survivors, take it one day at a time. The most helpful thing I’ve done for myself is to set a small goal each day to complete. It helps increase my productivity and also help me achieve that sense of accomplishment that will help me get into a better headspace. Just one day at a time.

Posted on

Mental Health Challenge – Day 7

Day 7 – Clean our your social media feed

I did this a few weeks ago when the COVID19 situation was at its peak here in Korea. I was getting so much negative news, so much dismissal from people back home in the US. “Stop spreading panic, you’re young and you’re going to be fine.” My social media was flooded with racist, Asians eating bats, and anti-Chinese “jokes.” It hurt.

As an Asian-American currently living in Asia, I am not experiencing the first hand discrimination that my fellow Asian-Americans must be feeling back home. I am very thankful the government here acted upon the outbreak immediately, and that people are mostly cooperative in the social distancing movement.

Back to social media. I have completely cut Facebook out, and I use only the Messenger function. I stick to Instagram and have begun to really narrow my feed down to people, things, and topics I truly enjoy. It has truly helped my mental health and helped me keep myself in a mostly good headspace. It wasn’t really challenging, just sort of sad. Even with Instagram, I’ve been trying to limit the endless scrolling. I know that during this time of lockdown, it’s hard not to dive deeply into the Internet and scroll through other people’s lives endlessly… but taking a look at what type of information you follow can help make that scrolling a more uplifting experience.

Posted on

Mental Health Challenge – Day 6

Day 6 – Take a relaxing bath or hot shower

This is one of the things that I never skip out on doing. No matter how shitty or sad I feel, I always spend time taking a hot shower. I upgraded the existing shower head in my bathroom for one that gives me a little more water pressure. I’m also one of those people that takes scalding hot showers. The type of showers that probably aren’t great for my skin. I take a few of them a day, but the one at the end of a long work day (first day back at the office after weeks of working from home) with my lavender body wash from Lush that actually helps me feel relaxed was a great way to end the night. No I’m not getting paid by Lush to advertise their products. I just really like them. I really wish I had a place with a bath tub. Maybe that can be a goal of mine to work toward. But with currency currently being so unstable, I think it will be a good long while before I can make that goal a reality.

Courtesy of Lush South Africa’s Twitter

In addition to taking a shower yesterday, I went ahead and did my nails. Which I do on an almost weekly basis anyways with my lazy girl press on manicures. Taking care of yourself feels good. During a time like this, even when I’m not going anywhere or trying to impress anyone, having pretty nails to look down at remind me that taking care of myself and doing little things for myself is still ok during this time.

Hang in there world. Sorry for the late post 🙂

Posted on

Mental Health Challenge – Day 5

Day 5 – Talk to someone about how you are feeling.

During these times of isolation and quarantine, being able to stay connected with people that I love and care about has been really important. Started off today right by having a Zoom call with my sisters and cousins… at 8 AM. I usually never get up this early, but, the chances that the 6 of us would be able to be all together would be low.

I was able to catch up with my sisters and cousins (technically second cousins). We have a big age range in this group, with me being the oldest. But we grew up together. We’ve laughed, cried, fought, and each of my sisters and cousins have become amazing young women that will change the world one day. We shared our feelings and ideas about what this shelter in place order meant for everyone. I’m glad to know that my family is safe, and I’m also glad to have these wonderful people in my life.

The 6 of us love to travel, so I’m hoping we can make our ideas for a group trip a reality, and I hope to host them here in my second home. For those of you that are struggling with the isolation of being in self quarantine, reach out via FaceTime (or in my case, Zoom, cuz fun backgrounds and I got that premium membership for work) and have a chat about your thoughts, feelings, and anything that might be on your mind. It made me feel like I’ve started off today on the right foot.

Posted on

Mental Health Challenge – Day 4

Day 4 – Make a list of people you can reach out to when you need help

The simplest task so far. I have a great network here in Korea and back home. Every time I fall down, I realize, more and more, that I have surrounded myself with amazing people that truly care about me and love me. I took the extra step to reflect on why I am able to feel so confident in being able to reach out to these people. And here’s what I came up with.

Mom & Dad – I’m really, really lucky to have two parents that always just want the best for me. They aren’t perfect, and they haven’t always been as present as they have been for me during the last few years. But my parents have worked so hard to accept what I need. They’ve given me space and they’ve held me up when I couldn’t anymore. The good, the “bad,” the quirks, and what my peace looks like are all things that my parents probably never imagined for me. I will admit, the moment shit hits the fan, I run to my dad. He always believes in me, even if I can’t really understand why.

Sam – My sister, Sam is another very important pillar in my family that I lean on. She is pragmatic and very practical. She helps me out a lot when I am panicked with cognitive distortions, as she’s able to pick out where my thinking patterns have gone astray. She’s my youngest sister, but I find her brilliantly insightful, strong and independent. Everything that I strive to be. It’s weird, as the eldest, to look up to the baby in the family, but I do.

Sophia – I don’t know who else in this world has seen as much snot, tears, and bullshit spew out of my mouth. Throughout the years of my growth from young adult to… just plain ole adult… she has been there for everything. Every phase, every ex, every rough time. And in the roughest of times, she dropped her plans in a heartbeat and came to help me. Becoming friends with this wonderful person has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. As we’ve grown as individuals, I am so proud to call her my friend, and although we are very far, I want to be as accessible and supportive as she has always been to me.

My HSPs – We’ve grown up together, and although we are not always in contact with each other, whenever our lives bring us all together, it’s always fun. I can count on them for laughs, for embarrassing anecdotes about our childhoods, and adventures that we’ve gone on. During this terribly tough time, I want to tell them how much the random check-ins and messages mean to me, and I hope that we can always feel comfortable enough to just check in whenever.

My colleagues at work – The Korean staff, my Faculty Manager, all of the support they’ve given me as I have very openly navigated my mental health is absolutely astounding. They have done their best to accommodate my ups and downs and allowed me to still feel like I am a valued member of the staff.

My Therapist – While this is a professional connection between therapist and client. I know that I can rely on her to be heard and to feel safe about sharing information. She has worked so hard to build a relationship with me where I do feel comfortable in honestly saying when I have suicidal ideations or other very deep negative thoughts.

Irene – Irene is a friend I met during my 2nd contract. She started just as I started, and we became friends after she adopted the cat that a friend and I had found in an abandoned building. I am notoriously bad at making and keeping female friends due to past experiences, but I really enjoy her company. I have deep respect and trust in her, and she is always so constant in the advice and support that she gives. She’s another one of those friends that has seen a lot of tears and snot come out of me, but never once made me feel like a basket case of crazy. She’s currently living in outbreak central Daegu, and I miss visiting and traveling to meet up with her, but she’s always a phone call away.

The Dog Gang – Recently, the group of friends I have become close to has been centered around the fact that we have dogs and live in the same building and work in the same office. We enjoy spending therapeutic time together with our dogs, and I can always count on them to help me out when I need some company on a walk, or just when I need some assistance walking my two. Everyone is rather open about talking about mental health, but also knows that sometimes space and a distraction is necessary for healing.

Posted on

Mental Health Challenge – Day 3

Day 3 – Write down everything that you are worried about at the moment.

I know, I know, it’s technically April 4th here in Korea as I write this out. I did, however, complete the actual part of this challenge in my journal, which I keep for this very purpose… to worry in.

When I first started my journey in improving my mental health, I remember beginning with having a “worry time.” My anxiety spiraled out of control constantly due to my uncontrollable thoughts that would grip me in terror and panic. I was not functional in any way. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could not even work. It became an issue that needed, not only, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but the help of antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and sleep aids. I learned which of my basic needs were a “must meet” in order to function semi-normally, and I, on more than one occasion, have had to readjust my life schedule in order to accommodate for taking these medications and deal with the side effects. Throughout that whole process “worry time” was a habit I had that I shared with a friend of mine. Every day, same time, we’d sit down with our worries and share them with each other. The simple act of sharing them, or putting them somewhere at a scheduled time every day was helpful.

Every day, as thoughts, uncontrollably, popped into my head, I would write them down in my journal. and close it once it was on paper. It took discipline not to think about them. But I knew I could rely on worry time later to talk out some of the worries. What I found was that by the time I got to the worries later that day, they were resolved. Or it felt better to process them at that point in time. This habit continued for a few months before I eventually just had a time every day where I processed/journaled through the worries.

Today, I deliberately waited until before I start to unwind for bed to process some of the worries I wrote down.

What if my “bad slump” never ends? Do I want to constantly struggle with this for the rest of my life? – This worry has been on my mind endlessly for a few months now. What if I never “feel better?” What is better? Is that a realistic expectation? Does it get easier? People always tells me it gets easier, but why is it getting harder? Do I have to be on medication forever? Why do I keep getting more? I’m here in Korea, receiving the best care I can, affordably. What if I never get to a point where I can comfortably leave? I could never afford constant care in the United States. Not with the healthcare system the way it is.

The truth of the matter is, I will always be fighting this fight. Every day, a battle to get up. Every morning will probably have some weight to it. But there will be easier days, and there will be harder days. Eventually the harder days aren’t as hard.

Honestly, I had many more worries that, I simply just… ended up deciding that it was pointless to think about these worries because they’re uncontrollable. I can only control my reaction. After realizing that, it was easier to… at least for now… step away from the worries.

Posted on

Mental Health Challenge – Day 2

Day 2 – Fill in your calendar and set aside time for self-care

So far, so good, April. Day 2. I went to bed at around 2AM last night. This is a time that I like to call, “early.” It wasn’t. But I had a lot on my mind. Despite listing out positive things about myself and trying to get into a good headspace for everything, I ended up breaking my own promise of no contact with my former partner. They say week 2 is a hard week because it’s the week you realize that this is your new normal. I barely made it through week 2, and I felt like a failure. Banging my head on the wall, telling myself I was stupid. Stupid for not letting time do its time thing. Stupid for believing that maybe they still want me in their life. Stupid. It was a sick April Fools Day joke I played on myself. After a day like that, I told myself, “Yo girl, forget the rest of everything, go to bed. Sleep and nourish your body.” I popped my prescribed sleepy time anxiety and sedatives, apparently ordered myself a McDonald’s breakfast combo, and passed out. SELF CARE. I’m kidding. I should really eat healthier.

Which brings me to the challenging task for Day 2. Filling in my calendar and setting aside time for self-care. Due to the COVID-19 outbreak here, school has been cancelled for over a week, and our academy shut down for 2. It was a really difficult time, for the country, and we’re kind of scrambling to make schedules for make-up lessons and to keep our term schedules on track. I somehow managed to pop up at 7:30AM this morning fraught with anxiety… and created my calendar. Still not perfect. Still “penciled” in a lot of work things, but I managed to set goals for myself/challenges of self-care. I want this month, not to be too much of a challenge, but to be a bit of a step in the right direction. My physical health has deteriorated from mid-March until now, and I have not been the healthiest in terms of eating or exercise due to weakness from being sick. But I’m feeling stronger and stronger, and less and less fatigued every day. I’m ready to put myself back on the #1 spot on my list.


As you can see, my calendar is FILLED with obligations. Work obligations…. financial obligations… self-obligations. Fitting in self-care focused activities were hard. While I don’t put in every self-care activity that I do on my calendar, I did put in some goals and blocked out days to just let myself sleep, rest, and feel things. I want to cuddle with the dogs and just be with them. Days that used to be date days, I marked them as me days. Days for me to be me with no obligations whatsoever. I guess, it’s a day for me to go on a date with me.

As the month progresses, I’d like to start building strength in exercise and incorporating my older habits of meal prep and cooking. I want to alternate yoga with just spending extra time with the dogs every night. As the weather warms, my dogs deserve to be outside for longer as well.

Here are some other activities that I do regularly that are considered my self-care that I want to get back into doing more regularly. Having depression hit me like a truck and then being sick for two full weeks afterwards was not what I needed for the month of March, but it has definitely left me with a sense of needing to focus on my own things.

  • Doing my nails – I’m a lazy person, but I also have a nasty habit of picking at and chewing my actual nails. At least once a week I use a gel manicure set and do press-on gel nail tips. They cost under $10, a pack can last up to 2-3 weeks, and the shape of the nail tips fit onto my nails really well 🙂
  • Showers – I’m one of those people that love luxurious, long, hot showers. I have way too many shower products and hair products to use, and I also take probably 2 or 3 a day. I use this time to really pamper my skin, my face, my hair, and also to cry. Why cry? Because it’s healthy to cry and let it out. And I want to keep it hygienic and not constantly be crying on my pillow, you know?
  • Cleaning my apartment – I love a clean and organized apartment. It rejuvenates me to be in a space where I organized and rearranged everything by myself. I’ve really been letting this go to hell, recently, but, I want to make that my Saturday night activity. To just maintain cleanliness of my apartment.
  • Walking the dogs – as much as it is the responsible dog mom thing to do, it is also an act of self care. I walk with friends for socialization, but I also love walking alone. I like listening to the sounds of the night, and feeling the breeze as I listen to the pitter patter of the dog’s little feet. I’ve always loved walking the dogs, and I can’t wait for my strength to come back, so I can go outdoors more often.
  • Phone calls with friends – I never really realized how hard it is to fit in just casual communication with people. I also have made a big realization that I really would like to make friends that also will help me here, in Korea. I have friends, far and wide, but I stick close to my circle here.

Self-care is super important, and I want to build in more time and make more moments to communicate with my friends that all live in different places. I know that self-quarantine in the States are hitting my friends hard. My current break-up and emotional situation isn’t great, and I’ve been trying hard not to shut out other people. When I’m ready, after healing, I want to get out there, experience the world and meet people with similar hobbies and interests.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started