Turbulent Mind

November 14, 2019

My Relationship with Depression

Comorbidity between Depressive Disorders and Anxiety Disorders is such a common thing. One would think they’re similar and work together to make a person feel like crap. But in all honesty, I think that these two are opposing forces that end up pushing people back and forth between not caring at all anymore to caring way too much.

I’ve known when my depression flares up because I won’t want to do anything. Like… anything. I don’t eat, don’t sleep, don’t check my phone, and I do the bare minimum for the dogs to be happy. I have had a much less turbulent relationship with this part of my mental health, because it’s like she’s always there. Depression is there to remind me that when I reach too far or stretch my resources too thin, I will feel like shit.

It certainly does sound like I’m saying my depression is a good thing, but that is anything but the truth. Depression has taken a lot out of my life, and many other people’s lives. Depressive episodes has caused me to miss weddings of my closest friends, good-bye parties of people I won’t see again, and after work drinks where coworkers bond together. Depression likes it when I isolate myself from everyone other than her, and depression loves it when I continue to pass up on behavior activating activities.

Luckily for me, depression rarely takes the driver’s seat of my life. She usually reserves that for Anxiety. I think it’s because my depression knows, that if she lets Anxiety run my life for long enough, I will get exhausted enough to run back to her. Anxiety is a state in which I overanalyze, care about, and worry about a lot of different things. The most triggering thought for my anxiety is the uncertainty of life. Depression knows that something is bound to pop up that will remind me that life is uncertain, and she knows that once Anxiety’s had enough of driving my life, she’ll park and have a full on panic attack break down. In swoops depression to tell me that I don’t need to do anything and I don’t need to care. I just need to lay in bed and let depression do her work. Like I mentioned in my last post, anxiety has her purpose and is a friend that has “helped me out” before. After a period of letting depression halt everything, anxiety always gets restless. Anxiety fuels my desire for perfection and starts to set impossibly high standards for me to reach. Of course, anxiety is setting me up for failure, but at least she’s got my back when depression’s being that destructive friend that doesn’t want you to do anything but commiserate with her.

November 13, 2019November 13, 2019

My Relationship with Anxiety

This post has been inspired by many people’s descriptions of what their relationship with their mental illness and their mind is like. Most notably, I am in love with this spoken word piece by Jae Nichelle.

This powerful description has inspired me to go on my own journey to try to define what my mental illness is to me. The best way to describe my anxiety is to describe it as my toxic bff that I can’t seem to get rid of.

For one thing, my anxiety is something that has never left me. From not being able to order a hamburger from a waitress at a restaurant, to spending entire summers not seeing my friends because I simultaneously had FOMO and felt that I would be too anxious to participate meaningfully with anything. My anxiety is a constant presence and fills in the spot that loneliness should be. If asked, “Aren’t you lonely living there by yourself?” I don’t think I can really define the feeling as loneliness. I’m anxious living on my own in a foreign country where I am not proficient in the language. Sure. But I made my own choice to do that, right? Right!

See, even when I was living in an area where the environment was familiar and the language was my native tongue, this nagging feeling of what felt to be “loneliness” was always there. As I have grown and moved through stages in my life carrying this “loneliness” with me despite being surrounded by human beings, I realize this was not loneliness that I carry. I am lugging around my dear old friend, anxiety. Anxiety is a friend that jealously protects me from everything that might hurt me. Every single “new” friend must go through the tests that Anxiety makes me put them through. A small slip-up and Anxiety tells me none of it is worth it. I start from scratch, and I keep whittling down the list of possible companions until there are none left.

Then, at the end of the day, Anxiety comforts me into sleep by telling me, “It’s ok, you’ve got me to keep you safe. As long as I’m around, nothing will get close enough to hurt you. I’ve thought of all the possible negative outcomes, and as long as you trust me, you won’t end up with any of them.”

This, theoretically seems great! Wow, I’ve got a built in friend that has my best interest at heart. It’s keeping me “safe” from all of the people and things that could hurt me. It’s making sure that I won’t end up with these horrible negative outcomes. But here’s the catch. Anxiety is also going to keep you from taking a chance where there is a slight chance you’ll meet a companion that will make you feel whole. Anxiety will try to stop you from connecting with this companion because they’re here to make sure you don’t take risks. With folks, like me, who have GAD, we overthink every single interaction, and even if our gut says, “go for it!” Our GAD will spend the next forever overthinking the interaction until you give in and say, “You’re right, I shouldn’t.”

And even after all this, Anxiety is still my friend. It’s what I count on to keep me from making stupid decisions, and it’s what I rely on to plan out how to get work done. Anxiety, you’ve done some awful shit to me. You’ve made me feel like I’m not deserving of certain people, things, and life events. You’ve fought with me to gain control of my decisions. You’ve even tried to get your buddy Panic Disorder in on it too to make me feel like my decisions will cause me to experience a heart attack of sorts. You’ve done so much shit to me, and you’re still my friend, because I know your intentions aren’t bad. I know, that you deeply just want to protect me. I just want you, Anxiety, to know, that I am going to protect you too. I have lived and learned skills that I can use to keep our heart safe, and I intend to use those skills. So you can relax and enjoy the finer things in life alongside me, because protecting me doesn’t always have to be your job.

November 12, 2019November 13, 2019

Welcome to Turbulent Mind

My name is Yvonne, currently 29, and living with my two fur children in South Korea. Originally from Minneapolis, I’ve made the leap to live abroad for the third time. I hope to tell my story about my experiences with living with mental illness, and to also help me continue to practice shifting my focus away from fighting the disorders like demons, and learning to live in harmony with them.

I’m hoping that this story won’t be a new one. I’m hoping that while reading this blog, you will find similarities in your own story, because one of the toughest things about struggling with mental illness is the feeling that you are utterly alone, and that no one could possibly understand.

I have realized that, through years of attempting to blog about my life, and focusing on certain aspects of it has never been successful. Years ago, I decided I’d try to start a blog on my life as a teacher in South Korea. Although I traveled, and saw so many things, something kept me from posting. There was an aching feeling that although I was doing all these things, I wasn’t being genuine to myself. Am I really as overjoyed and excited as I am on my social media posts? Am I really having as peaceful of a time “learning about myself” as I’m trying to portray in this blog? And the answer was always, “No.” Eventually the charm wore off, and I kept to myself again. Every time I started a blog, it all felt artificial.

My goal is not to lament about how crappy life is. Nor is it to really focus on how being diagnosed with Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder hinder my life. My goal is to try to share my journey to gaining control and independence from the detrimental effects of these disorders. I want to show how physically, as well as mentally, taxing these disorders can be, and to spread understanding towards those that are struggling, alone, and scared.