This post was spurred by a recent realization that I had while chatting with my mother on the phone. I do not remember details from the years of 2017-2020.
This sounds severe, but hear me out. I know what happened during those years, and I know, generally, how I came to be in the position that I am in now. I understand how I got to this point in life, but I do not have many memories of how I got here. Perhaps this is a normal part of life. Perhaps this is not as weird as I am describing it to be.
What I can say is, during these years I do not have many memories in which I am experiencing the things I experienced first hand. It feels as if I was told about these experiences and was told that these happened to me. I feel a sense of disconnect when I think about 2019 and the place I was in.
I also remember that I was extremely forgetful. I say was but there are still times when I am forgetful now. The more dissociated I felt, the more forgetful I would be. It started out small. I would forget if I applied shampoo while in the shower and I’d shampoo my hair just in case I did. One time, I realized that I had forgotten to rinse out the shampoo and had started to dry off before realizing that my head was covered in suds. It escalated to forgetting if I had eaten, what day of the week it was, and important appointments.
I sit here, now, and I am trying to recount what I was thinking or feeling during that time. All I can come up with is an image of gray. Perhaps it is from the trauma of dealing with interpersonal relationships that were either abusive or turbulent, but I really do not remember too many happy moments even though I know that they existed.
I guess my point in writing this is: Does anyone else relate to this sense of disconnectedness?
Turbulent Mind 