How Much is Too Much?

I have been mulling this over and thinking about it a lot. How much do I have to push myself professionally or academically until it is too much? Looking back on a lot of the situations I put myself in, I probably pushed myself past my limits habitually and current me is paying the price. I am paying the price for all of the times I thought “It’s just my mental health… at least I’m not physically sick.”

When Simone Biles pulled out of the all-around gymnastic finals in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, a lot of people started having this conversation. People rallied behind her in support for her brave decision to take care of her mental health. This conversation, though painful for me partake in, was necessary. How many champions have sacrificed every bit of their mental wellbeing and their physical wellbeing in order to bring glory to their country, their family, and their fans? Much of the time, we forget that these decorated athletes and celebrities are people. They have struggles and emotions. They have ups and downs. Yet they are expected to be perfect in the eyes of the world. Every move of theirs is measured and judged. No respect or understanding given.

It got me thinking about some of the decisions I have made that have been unhealthy (to say the least). It’s stuff that I didn’t realize until over half a year and lots of personal distance. My previous job was toxic beyond belief.

I have been reserving myself from writing much about it. I have deleted and re-written dozens of versions of this post, because I still feel a bit of emotional attachment to the time I spent there. I mean… after all, I spent over 4 years emotionally invested in the success of my old workplace.

TW: Mentions of suicide and suicidal ideations

For context, I worked at a private English academy that focused on test prep. It is a competitive environment and teachers are expected to deliver results. I can proudly say that, over the years, I delivered decent results and have tried my hand in curriculum development, staff management, and immersion camp organization. I will always cherish the skills I gained there. I learned to be a competent instructor despite how… non-educational much of the environment at this academy was.

My academy was understanding of the the difficulties I experienced during 2019-2020. I was struggling with severe depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I was given a week of paid sick leave and lots of encouragement to be better by upper management. When I returned from sick leave, I was met by coworkers that felt I was being irresponsible. No one ever said it to my face, but I learned later that it was said behind my back. I guess, perhaps, I should have explained that I was driven to the brink of suicide. I, perhaps, should have mentioned that I was hospitalized at one point so that I could get proper rest since my anxiety would wake me up hourly with panic attacks. But I know that, in reality, I really shouldn’t have to explain all of that to people to get them to take mental health seriously.

I was so well supported by the management staff at my academy that I felt I owed it to them to “stick it out.” The environment was toxic. Despite having a great group of friends, the toxic ones were enough. My expectations at this job were as follows:

I teach unless I’m ready to drop dead. Some of my colleagues would proudly proclaim never having taken a sick day. They work through their physical ailments and definitely power through the mental ones. Taking my mental breakdown sick leave showed everyone that I “couldn’t even handle a bit of emotional hardship.” I realized that it wasn’t just emotional hardship I was experiencing. I, quite literally, experienced kidney failure due to my body’s inability to properly process antibiotics that were being used to treat a kidney infection. On top of that, this expectation of powering through physical illness meant that I did not rest more than a regular night’s sleep before teaching full 3 hour courses 2-3 times a day. Eventually, my kidneys experienced infection so many times in 2019-2020, that it was just a regular occurrence for me to have flank pain and lingering fatigue.

Shouting at each other was how things got done. This is definitely something that was limited to a few colleagues. As a person with anxiety and a deep dislike for confrontation, I could not handle the shouting and verbal abuse. It was my first sign that something was horribly wrong with the dynamic at this workplace. I would shut down, get defensive, and snarky. It wasn’t pretty and I learned really toxic communication habits that I painfully unlearned through thousands spent on therapy.

5 days of paid vacation was more than enough at this company. For years, we were not granted national holidays unless it was Chuseok or Lunar New Year. We then maybe got to go on our 5 days of paid vacation that are randomly placed during times that every other colleague or academy teacher would be working. On top of that, summer and winter holidays were a no-go because we would be doubling down on work during those seasons. Last week, I experienced my first summer vacation while working in Korea. It was 5 full days, no weekend make-up lessons, no conditions of coming back to make up your classes on the weekends preceding and following the vacation week. It was blissful. It was restful. It was much needed. I apparently get two of these a year plus all national holidays. So we’re already more than double the number of days off.

Any misbehavior from students is automatically the instructor’s fault. Kid acting out in class? Why didn’t you control them better? Kid do poorly on standardized test? Why didn’t you prepare them for the test better? Cheating? Broken tablets? Kids speaking Korean in class? Why aren’t you being the child’s mother while also being their teacher? The expectations were ridiculous.

How many of us are suffering and struggling with their mental health while going into a workplace that plunges us deeper into that hole? Probably more than society cares to count. I did myself a favor by getting out of the situation, but I know many of us are not nearly as fortunate during these times.

As I reflect on how I have been doing since removing myself from this soul crushing environment, I realized that I have made heaps of progress by simply not allowing myself to be in a situation where the system preys on my general desire to meet and exceed external expectations. I am still so tired and in recovery from the time I spent there, but it has gotten a little bit easier as time has passed.