“Survival Mode” is probably something a lot of people currently being impacted by the current COVID-19 situation can relate to. Every day, I mindlessly scroll through the news, social media, and get through my work. As things have begun to normalize here in Korea, I am beginning to feel more weary and beaten down by everything I have experienced and lived through int he past month.
It started with some sadness and heartbreak but as I’ve begun to climb out to the sadness of the ending of a very special chapter of my life, I can’t help but look around and see everything else moving forward at a pace that I can’t keep up with. While I know that I can move about my recovery and my journey to regaining the me that I lost and, possibly, bettering that part of me, I can’t help but feel like everything’s been put at a complete stop.
Unfortunately, my mental health is not the only thing that has suffered. I went through a period of 3 weeks of home quarantine due to physical health issues. While I tested negative for COVID-19, I was still put under self-quarantine for my own safety. As my immune system battled out secondary infections of the upper respiratory system that were a result of influenza, I lost a lot of my ability to withstand stress and mental distress both personal and in the workplace. The saying, “it never rains but it pours” has never applied more perfectly in my life.
I’m slowly regaining my health, and work has been busier than ever. I feel really lucky to be employed by a company that is still seeing steady enrollment and timely paychecks. However, the minor things at work are beginning to get to me. Office politics are pointless, and I have noticed myself fighting for myself less and less. I’ve become complacent with the conditions here, not because they make me happy, but because it seems pointless to even fight. I count down the days to nothing. I keep trudging along. Day after day. Night after night.
Today, as I walked to work, I felt absolute dread while crossing the street to get to the building where our academy is located. The dread seeped into my bones as I dragged my legs up the stairs. Dread. How can something I loved so much become so tiring? How did something I used to do easily become so hard? It all became so because I’m living at the edge of it all. The end of my patience and wits.
Even in life, where there was once a pretty picture of a future with someone I love. I realize, in this mode, all that really was, was something that I got to have a taste of, but ultimately will not get to have. Why? Because the reality is I will likely struggle with this forever. The toll that mental illness has taken on my perception of self and my perception of worth has, actually, made me, at times, believe that I will probably be better off just alone. Because anything I’ve touched with an ounce of sincerity in how I feel or what I deal with has become the worst for the person that I connect with. It’s no one’s job to pick my sorry ass up from the ground when I’m having a moment. It’s mine. Yet, when I turn off the ability to feel and deal with these negative and difficult thoughts and emotions, I come off as cold, disconnected, and insincere.
As I have continued to work with my feelings and process the events in my life, I’ve realized just one absolute certainty: This process will never end. While I do know that I can curb my panic and impulsive behavior much, much more effectively, I will always have panic and impulsive behaviors. I will always have days where getting up out of bed feels pointless. I will always live with these feelings that I cannot actually control. I can hear the chiming in of bullshit already, “But you can control your reaction to these feelings! You have control.” Sure. That doesn’t make anything better. In fact, it makes it worse. Because I don’t have the control over the part that is actually distressing. I just have control over the mess I have to clean after I have started to feel the distress. And all of this bullshit about, “It won’t get better unless you do something about it” is unfair to those that really… can’t do anything about their situation.
The doom and gloom aside. If you are struggling with this thought that it’s never going to end. It’s ok. I truly believe that life is cyclical, and the natural way of things is that… well, we are constantly going to be bettering ourselves and struggling with things that are difficult to handle. It is a fact of life, and we can choose to learn how to adapt, or we can sink in the mess of it all.
Turbulent Mind 