Boundaries

I think one of the things I like the most about Korea is how distinctly different each of the four seasons are. I always feel a distinct mark that signifies the end of the winter and the transitions into spring. There’s never any confusion. The cherry blossoms will bloom in April, the leaves will start to come back on the trees and by the end of May, you will begin to hear the cicadas buzzing and feel the temperature rising. Every season has boundaries and there’s very little overlapping or confusion.

In contrast, in Minnesota, where I’m originally from, our seasons blend together into a sort of either cold or not cold. Even if you’re in the clear for a few weeks from the snow storms. Maybe even when you’re about to walk across the stage to graduate from college, a snowstorm could decide to show up and it would still be pretty “normal.” The boundaries of the seasons are blurred and it can often feel rather chaotic.

Much like the seasons the way I’m able to implement and follow through with personal boundaries has been vastly different. In Korea, I live independently and manage everything on my own with little to no help. Despite not speaking much of the language, I get by and have been able to live a happy and mostly healthy life. I draw boundaries between myself and my friends, family, and significant others. They do the same for me. I have learned here, that boundaries are important and necessary in any human relationship.

Back home in Minnesota, the boundaries get blurred. Growing up, boundaries were difficult for me. As the oldest child, I was always asked and expected to do things for my little sisters, even if it meant that I didn’t want to. In fact, I was taught that self-sacrifice or yielding to the younger siblings was my job. I was taught that I should be helpful and happy for my parents’ sake because they struggled so much day-to-day that the “least I can do” is to help them with certain tasks and projects I found to be unpleasant or not enjoyable. As I grew older, I became a confidant for both of my parents, and I didn’t mind, until, at some point, it became a matter of taking on their worries and burdens as my own and treating them as my responsibility. Cracking under pressure, I remember having several blow outs with my parents regarding my boundaries. I remember being upset about something that was, in hindsight, probably something I didn’t need to be upset about, but I was. I remember being told that I was “ridiculous” or “overreacting.” I remember feeling bad for expressing that what was said to me was not ok.

During this journey of healing and growth, I have found that many of my childhood experiences that have shaped me are products of a situation where my parents, as human beings, were learning as they were going. They were taught, through tradition, that hierarchy are important, and that the higher you are up on the scale, the more rights you have to blow through boundaries. This has made it rather difficult for me to understand that every human being needs to have boundaries. It’s made it difficult for me to ask for boundaries and it’s made it difficult for me to follow requests to give space and boundaries as well.

Recently, I realized that I have people in my life that do not need to continue to have a space in my life for. After many years of patterns and repeated behavior, I finally realize that not only need to place temporary boundaries on family members but I can also put up permanent boundaries around people that I do not wish to share my time with any longer. I felt cornered into making a decision to remove a long-time friend from my life. While I did it quietly and cautiously, I felt horrible. Horrible because I know that by not providing my explanation, I am supporting myself in putting up my permanent boundary away from them, but I am going to let this person continue living wondering or blaming me for putting her through an upsetting time. Losing and cutting out friends is never easy. And at my age, it’s even harder because I can only count the friends that I truly love and depend on my two hands.

I am grateful for the skills I have learned over the last year, and I’m thankful for all of the progress I’ve made. I’m proud of myself because I am able to respect boundaries that are placed between me and my significant over much more easily than before. I hope that readers that are struggling with feeling like they are always “taken advantage of” or that they’re the friend people only call when they’re “in trouble” can understand that putting up boundaries will save you from a lot of disappointment and heartache.