The last few weeks have been a major setback for my mental health. The thoughts have been harder to fight off. The panic is almost daily. I read back on some of the more coherent blog posts that I have drafted up and even posted. In a good headspace, I am eloquent, hopeful, and cheerful.
In a bad headspace, as I am now, I feel despair, hopelessness, and eventually… the panic and anxiety subsides and I feel complacent. I did it. I got through the panic. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a woman that is exhausted. That woman doesn’t look like me, but she is. She fights every day so that I can feel whole. She can continue to do amazing things with a smile on her face, even though her thoughts are telling her awful things. Things that are designed to keep her scared. The fear, is what my anxiety thinks, will protect me. The constant questioning is what my anxiety thinks will keep me prepared.
Deep down inside, I know why the thoughts and these fears keep coming back. Because for a long time, my actual purpose in life was just to get by with distractions. Do what a good daughter does. Play the game of life correctly and go through the steps in the right order. Live out this life that I was expected to live. At some point, something inside me woke up and I told myself, “Fuck this. I’m unhappy and I’m changing shit.” It’s been a constant process of changing and evolving to become that happier and whole person I wish to see. And there have been distractions, bumps, and great discoveries on the way.
Every time I admit to a friend that my original plan in life was just to repay any debts I have, save money, and give it to my parents so that I can symbolically feel better about leaving this life, I know that strikes fear in their hearts. In some people, it angers them. “How can you be so selfish?” I really don’t know how or if I can ever go through with this silly plan of mine without the guilt of what it means crushing me. But I know that everything good that I have encountered on this journey has taken me and led me on a path that has options.
Today I look at the mirror and I don’t see a girl I know. I see a tired, very physically ill, and scared girl. I see a girl that is panicking with everyone around her about the outbreak of disease in the area and the chaos it is causing in the hospitals around her. I see a girl that is hoping to be self-sufficient and ride out these unpleasant symptoms, but she doesn’t have the strength to stand on her own.
I have such a beautiful network of support that as I look at the face of this girl that I do not recognize I see bits and pieces of the person that my support system loves and holds up. I’m not all the way here, and it’s been a rough patch, but I see you, my girl. I’ll come and get you soon.
Turbulent Mind 