“I’m going through some shit.”

I find myself saying that a lot to explain why I look tired or disheveled. I find myself telling myself that when I can’t get out of bed in the morning. I find myself saying it to myself when every single joint aches the moment I gain consciousness in the morning. I just tell myself and people “I’m going through some shit.” But what the heck am I actually going through? Why can’t I articulate it, and why must I minimize it when people ask what’s wrong? The simple answer: I’m a people pleaser.

I hate to admit the fact that I am a pathological people pleaser, and it has costed me so much in terms of my mental health. I always want people to be happy with me. And, yeah, that seems normal enough. How is it pathological? Well, I want to please people, or at least minimize people’s worry/fretting over me by telling them, “Yeah, I’m totally fine. It’s just some stupid shit. I’ll be fine.” I’ve pushed myself aside so many times that it finally boiled over in April. I had to face the “shit” I was “going through” and address it by name. “Hey there, GAD and Major Depressive Disorder, I see you, and you’re there. And I know I need to learn better habits so that I can live harmoniously with you.”

This week, I’ve found myself pushing myself aside and numbing away what seems to be a bad case of what I call “a shot of depresso.” It’s seasonal, maybe? Or maybe it comes with the season of stress with the end of the year and the busy season coming up at work. Or maybe it’s the isolation that I feel toward the people back home. Whatever it is, I took a double shot of depresso and it’s still running its course through me. I’m writing this down to acknowledge that it’s ok to not be ok. And that it’s ok to look like absolute shit most of the week.

I’m going to do the absolute best I can, and I’m trying my best not to feel apologetic for not being perfect. I need to remind myself not to apologize when I can’t address other people’s needs or problems. Anyone else that’s “going through some shit” and has to plaster on that smile everyday, know, that you can get through this rough patch, and with each passing day it will be less of a fight to get out of bed. Every hour that you make it through this rough patch is a small battle that you’ve won. Every deep breath that you take is positive step toward “better.”